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AIBU?

MIL angry my DH is spending Christmas with my family.

66 replies

Tiredeypops · 03/12/2017 17:08

Last year me and DH went to his family's for Christmas. I had felt welcome at the time. We have been married for 2 years. This year is the first time we are spending Christmas at my family's. We will see his MIL in early Jan (all we can do work permitting as she is a 7 hour trip away). She got very angry when she was told (6 weeks before Christmas) and said that he 'doesn't have another family'. I make a real effort and thought we got on fine but now I am not sure. AIBU to be really pissed off by this? Can someone please explain her thought process?

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Namechangetempissue · 03/12/2017 17:12

Is she on her own?

CosmicCanary · 03/12/2017 17:12

She is put out and not hiding it.
If she is on her own a lonely Christmas is not something to look forward to.

Your DH needs to speak to her about this or she will hold you responsible....she may do that anyway tbh.

Lots of couple do alternate Christmases with parents. He needs to tell her this is fair.

CbeebiesAddict · 03/12/2017 17:16

Completely normal to alternate as you are. Is she worried about being alone (not that that excuses her behaviour)?

Movablefeast · 03/12/2017 17:16

Often we all work on assumptions and don't realise it. She may have assumed you both would be spending Christmas with her, while you assumed she would expect that you would alternate with your family.

Maybe noone is in the wrong but DH needs to step up and explain everything and talk with his mum.

Gazelda · 03/12/2017 17:18

I wouldn't take it to mean she doesn't like you.
Does she live alone? Who will she be spending Christmas with? Could she come to stay with you and come to your family's with you?

Bratsandtwats · 03/12/2017 17:19

She got very angry when she was told (6 weeks before Christmas) and said that he 'doesn't have another family'.

He does now. You!

QuiteLikely5 · 03/12/2017 17:20

Can’t she come too? If she is going to be alone?

Anatidae · 03/12/2017 17:21

Let her strop. A look of polite bafflement and ‘we spent a lovely Xmas with you last year MIL, this year we are going to my parents.’
Repeat ad nauseum.

Any ‘no other family’ nonsense to be met with polite bafflement and ‘me and any kids we have are DHs family.’

timeisnotaline · 03/12/2017 17:22

We might all work on assumptions but any assumption that the ops family won't count at Christmas anymore is a self centred one!

Belleoftheball8 · 03/12/2017 17:22

Does she have family of her own or will she be on her own?

OMGtwins · 03/12/2017 17:26

Context is key here. We alternate btw my folks and my DWs folks and Christmas at home now we have kids. Her parents are on their own when we're not with them because she's an only one. Sometimes mine are on their own if my brother isn't there either with his family. When kids live long distances from their parents that's just it isn't it. It does suck, but there's no way around it.

MrsExpo · 03/12/2017 17:26

Your DH needs to explain the principle of alternating Christmas with families. When I was married to my first DH we had a three year cycle to make it fair to everyone. One year with my family, next with his, third year do our own thing/go away/spend it how we like. That worked for us, even if my ex MiL hated it.

ZenNudist · 03/12/2017 17:27

She needs to realise you and your family are now also part of dh's and her family.

I think 6 weeks before Christmas is a bit late to tell her shes on her own. I think you should have told her months ago. Even laid the groundwork last Christmas.

Its difficult transitioning to new arrangements. Theres fault on all sides for bad communication.

Your arrangements to alternate is fair. Her reaction is out of hurt. Assuming that its out of character and shes always been nice to you id just kill her with kindness. Assuming shes been married or was with your FIL she knows a wife is important family.

Can you offer for her to come to your dps and stay in a hotel? She wont want to but offer is there.

Tiredeypops · 03/12/2017 17:27

She has 2 other children who will both be there so won't be alone. The other difficulty is that me and DH don't drive (live in a city) and only get the bank holidays off work so physically we couldn't get to her house (no trains on Christmas Day). She is welcome to visit us here (we have space) and she doesn't work but she just seems to not expect anything to change as her children grow up. It is her first Christmas where one child won't be present so I understand that it is upsetting. But he is Mid-twenties now....

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OMGtwins · 03/12/2017 17:28

She obviously hasn't got used to the fact that the nuclear family for your DH is now you, him and your kids. She still thinks it's him and her and others who lived in his childhood house. Its a hard adjustment for parents to make. Be polite, by sympathetic, but rise above it and don't back down.

ImogenTubbs · 03/12/2017 17:29

While I think SIBU to be put out about alternating Christmasses, I actually think telling her only six weeks before Christmas is quite short notice. In my family we start talking about Christmas plans in the summer, or September at least. Plenty of people start planning and shopping for Christmas several months in advance and maybe she was already gearing up for spending Christmas with you. She shouldn't have made that assumption, I agree, but I think you left it a bit late to discuss it.

OMGtwins · 03/12/2017 17:29

Sorry, invented kids there, but the point still stands 😃

CbeebiesAddict · 03/12/2017 17:29

Well if she won't be alone then she is being ridiculously unreasonable! You are not unreasonable to be pissed off and to put your foot down.

Tiredeypops · 03/12/2017 17:30

I am going to try the killing with kindness strategy. I agree 6 weeks was too short notice. I have been asking DH to tell her for months but he was putting it off.... not ideal

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Tiredeypops · 03/12/2017 17:31

I wasn't surprised she was upset. Was just upset by the mean comments a bit. Made me feel that she doesn't include me as part of her family either :(

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FreshStartToday · 03/12/2017 17:31

Best mention now that you might want Christmas on your own next year then. It's hard if you set up a pattern of being with one or the other every year. You might want to snuggle up under the Christmas tree together one year . . . .

happypoobum · 03/12/2017 17:32

TBH OP I wouldn't get sucked into that one Christmas here, one Christmas there stuff. You need to set it in a cycle of three so that you have a third Christmas where you get to do something just the two of you.

This will be invaluable if you have DC. Although there is no way I would travel 7 hours to visit anyone at Christmas anyway..............

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ny20005 · 03/12/2017 17:33

We did one Christmas with my parents & one with inlaws then said we would be staying at home. My parents live in another country so I knew with flights & work it would be expensive & didn't want to commit to this switch every year

Mil didn't take it well & think last year was the first time she didn't have a go at dh about it (10 years later 🙄)

Lizzie48 · 03/12/2017 17:34

My MIL alternates between us and my BIL, SIL and their 5 children. It works very well. We used to invite my mum to stay with us as well when MIL was here, or travel on Christmas Day to spend it with DSis and her family.

This is always a tricky issue, how to divide your time at Christmas once you have a partner. But your MIL IBVU to say that your DH doesn't have another family.

Tiredeypops · 03/12/2017 17:35

I think I'll hold off on the 'just us christmas' til there are some small people to keep us company but appreciate the advice. I think Christmas is a bit of an emotive subject for many :D thank you MNers for the advice and support :D

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