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That this is the only job that you have to accept abuse?

(92 Posts)
Emabrmsca Sun 03-Dec-17 16:48:00


I have a 3 year old dd and she is awful at the minute.

She hits me, kicks me, spits, pulls my hair, pushes me. She tried to push me down a flight of stairs this morning. She ignores me. She talks to me like rubbish. She prefers every one except me.

My dp doesn't understand how bad it is. I cry every day. I'm crying whilst writing this. I love her so much it hurts but I dont know what to do. I barely leave the house because she plays up so badly. Every time we try to play or do something nice together it gets ruined.

I'm sorry for posting here but I dont know what to do anymore. I have tried everything.
So aibu to think parenting is the only job/time you just have to accept abuse and love them still unconditionally?

SylviaTietjens Sun 03-Dec-17 16:50:16

There are a hell of a lot of jobs where you have to accept abuse. Most of them you can bitch about them later though. With kids you can’t and you love them which makes it even tougher. flowers it’s shot at tiles but it’s (hopefully) just a phase. You also get lovely cuddles which you don’t get in lots of jobs!

Lizzie48 Sun 03-Dec-17 16:55:50

I have heard three year olds referred to as 'threenagers'. It certainly was apt where my DDs were concerned (they're 8 and 5 now). It's a very tough age; they are desperate to do things for themselves but they're not able to yet. And wow, they're so stubborn! But you do get lovely cuddles as well. smile

ZigZagIntoTheBlue Sun 03-Dec-17 16:58:07

Yes! I've said to dh so many times it's like I'm in an abusive relationship that I'm not allowed to leave. I wouldn't accept being kicked or slapped by anyone else, apparently I accept it from the 2 year old confused

Pengggwn Sun 03-Dec-17 17:05:01

Abuse? I don't think a 3 year old has sufficient awareness to be accused of abuse. It sounds hard for you and I think you should reach out for support. Have you seen your GP?

Skarossinkplunger Sun 03-Dec-17 17:07:02

I feel wholeheartedly sorry for you. But YABU about the job. I was called a
“Fat cunt” at work on Friday. Twice.

BrutusMcDogface Sun 03-Dec-17 17:08:20

That does sound like very extreme behaviour even for a threenager, op. Have you chatted to the health visitor at all? flowers

Council Sun 03-Dec-17 17:09:09

Try working in a pupil referral unit grin

I hesitate to say it but I don't think you do have to accept it? There are ways to teach a 3yo what is and isn't acceptable and IME they are very effective when applied consistently.

We get to see them as teenagers when that hasn't happened. Although of course most of the kids who come to us have many other problems too, a lot of it does stem from parents who haven't set boundaries (usually because the parents have very many issues of their own). It's really hard being a parent.

Ellendegeneres Sun 03-Dec-17 17:12:36

zigzag I can relate- I had family support involved when ds was 3- she described me as a woman who sounded very much in an abusive relationship- but the relationship was with my ds ☹️
I would be punched, bitten, kicked, punched, pushed on the stairs, jumped on violently when pregnant, it was horrendous. I had bruises all the time and I cried every day.
It definitely improved as I changed my parenting style and took control. Each session I was set tasks to complete- I did each one, even if it sounded stupid. Now, ds is no longer violent. He's high need, and it's being looked into, but it got so much better.
Op can you seek out family support or speak to your child's key worker if in nursery? This can turn around, I promise. At one point, ds acted like he hated me. Now we're very close again and while we have the odd day where i want to run and hide, he's overall unrecognisable to what he was even 6months ago.

Ellendegeneres Sun 03-Dec-17 17:13:42

It says punched twice- should say pinched!

ludothedog Sun 03-Dec-17 17:17:19

You are wrong about the job. I get abuse thrown at me all the time. Lots of other professions that also get abuse on a regular basis.

However, it does sound like you are struggling. Is your DD at nursery? Have you spoken to staff to see if they can help? Also, I understand why you don't feel like going out if she is behaving badly but I think that staying at home will just make it worse for the both of you.

3 is a very difficult age though. I promise it does get better. flowers

dangermouse7 Sun 03-Dec-17 17:19:34

Wow awful, I am so sorry OP.

Have you talked to the doc about her?

This doesn't sound like normal behaviour. She sounds like hard work.. Angry and aggressive. Maybe some kind of behavioural disorder???

Lizzie48 Sun 03-Dec-17 17:21:14

I did find that at 3 years old both my DDs responded well to time outs, or 'thinking time'. It's 1 minute for each year so for a 3 year old that would be 3 minutes. It takes perseverance, but it is something 3 year olds understand. Implementing whatever strategy you employ consistently is important too.

Ragwort Sun 03-Dec-17 17:23:28

I genuinely think you wouldn't stay in a relationship if your partner treated you like some children treat their parents sad - my DS is going through the teenage years and if my DH spoke to me the way my DS does I think our marriage would be over. <disclaimer, DS is, of course, a typical teenager in that he is charming one minute and then rude and off hand - but I still wouldn't accept that in a partner>.

Parenting is very, very challenging.

charlestonchaplin Sun 03-Dec-17 17:24:13

You've clearly never done care work. Verbal abuse, racial abuse, physical abuse, not to mention the inappropriate and sexually explicit comments.

mirime Sun 03-Dec-17 17:24:19

DS who's four went through a phase like this over the summer after our cat died. It was awful, even knowing that it was because he was scared because he'd just learnt what death was. At the same time he got very clingy with me and hated me even leaving the room in case I didn't come back.

We tried various things, in the end what worked was me cuddling him in a way that meant he couldn't hit or kick me and saying over and over that I know he was worried but that it wasn't ok to hit, that he had to have kind hands and so on.

This was after reading that if your child is lashing out because they're scared and they manage to hurt you that scares them even more so they lash out more.

Pengggwn Sun 03-Dec-17 17:25:43

I don't think it's helpful to start listing jobs where abuse is common. Not really adding anything, is it? hmm

charlestonchaplin Sun 03-Dec-17 17:29:24

I hope things get better with your three year old. Assuming no special needs, I suppose she needs to understand that it will be easier for her to be behave better from the start rather than drag things out. And some children take longer than others to grasp that.

XmasInTintagel Sun 03-Dec-17 17:29:59

Abuse? I don't think a 3 year old has sufficient awareness to be accused of abuse.
It's not really about accusing or blaming though is it? Its about how it feels.
The definition of abuse is "cruel and violent treatment of a person", and in that sense the OP is indeed having to put up with abuse.
OP, while 3 year olds can be a handful, yours does sound particularly challenging. Maybe read up on techniques for calmy and consistently setting her boundaries on what she can and cannot do? Or see if there are any parenting classes your GP could refer you for?
She shouldn't be trying to push you downstairs, that sort of behaviour should mean that everything stops while you tell her very clearly that its not acceptable, and she has some form of time out or punishment.

BubblesBuddy Sun 03-Dec-17 17:30:30

Where has she learnt her disrespectful language from? My children did not hear that at 3 years old so they did not know that type of language. What influences are there that are not acceptable in her life?

Do go and get help. She clearly needs intervention and what about nursery for you to have some time away from her? We all need a bit of time off. There are also family support classes and you should ask the nursery about joining one. They should have information. Your GP would also be a starting point for help.

3 year olds can be very hard work but your DD seems extra hard work. You need to correct her language, reward her for good behaviour and not give in to her tantrums. Do seek external help though. Immediately.

Pengggwn Sun 03-Dec-17 17:31:36


A 3 year old cannot be cruel. She is being naughty. She needs to learn empathy and boundaries. She is not cruel, and it is irresponsible to suggest otherwise.

Angelicinnocent Sun 03-Dec-17 17:32:20

Agree that parenting is tough but as pp said, no, you don't have to accept it.

If you are struggling to get DD to behave, seek help.

donquixotedelamancha Sun 03-Dec-17 17:33:39

"That this is the only job that you have to accept abuse?"

Police officer
Traffic warden
A and E Doctor/Nurse
Shadow home secretary
Flight attendant on a plane to Magaluf

Back to the point: your post has cheered me up, OP. My 3yo is also intermittently evil. As she's almost 4 it's getting a lot better, so hopefully these things pass.

Emabrmsca Sun 03-Dec-17 17:35:52

Thank you for your responses. I feel guilty saying all of this because she is my daughter but I just feel exhausted.

I know it's not actual abuse. I am just really upset at the minute, I feel like a failure because I can't control my child's behaviour.

I am trying the best I can but nothing seems enough.

I have seen the doctor but it's just usual suggestions about trying different parenting techniques, things I have already tried.

Pengggwn Sun 03-Dec-17 17:36:52

What things have you tried?

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