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To let this word gives me the rage?

(22 Posts)
everywhichwaybut Sun 03-Dec-17 09:57:50

Daft thread really but I feel like I'm being a bit of a cow now and would like others perspective.

I co parent with a good friend, we were never a couple just decided to do this. He is a really good dad and has ds a lot, he's also good in that if I ask him to have ds extra time he will. So all good and no room for complain really
But this sets my teeth on edge every time.

He likes his holidays, anything from two weeks away to a long weekend? He's currently on number 9 this year.
Fine, I'm happy to have the extra time with ds but, every time he books a holiday he books first then messages me:

"Just to let you know that I have booked a holiday from 2nd to 10th of April so I won't be available to have Freddie then"

It's that one word really, available, it makes me want to scream because it makes him sound like a voluntary babysitter who's doing me a favour rather than a father who very much chose to be a father.

So go on, hit me with it, am I being a cow?

(Btw I never say anything to him, just seethe quietly!!)

CandleLit Sun 03-Dec-17 10:04:44

What word would better suit the situation? That's the one he's meaning to use and is probably using one that he more habitually uses for work. But he means the other word. See it as a weird language habit he has.

I have a friend who says "pacifically" instead of "specifically". She knows she does it but can't seem to make the right word come out of her mouth.

everywhichwaybut Sun 03-Dec-17 10:11:13

My issue is that if he needs me to have ds on his days then surely he should be contacting me before he books and saying "are you ok to sort ds out from 2nd to 10th April?"

I am not available on ........ Assumes that I have no plans and don't need to be consulted.

GetYourRosariesOffMyOvaries Sun 03-Dec-17 10:13:30

Yeah that would bug me too, I'd rather even a faux "thinking about booking....does that suit?"

Interested in your set up though OP!

CandleLit Sun 03-Dec-17 10:17:02

Ahhh I see! So it isn't the word pacifically grin that bugs you.

Have a convo with him to let him know that childcare arrangements need to be a consultation rather than a dictation. He sounds lovely so might not be aware and be open to talking about it.

flumpybear Sun 03-Dec-17 10:21:23

Speak to him! Tell him with regard to holidays and time you want alone without our son can we agree beforehand as I’m worried you’ll book at a time when I’ve arranged something too then there’ll be a conflict

I assume it’s all agreed that you’re both fully engaged with this child parent situation?

AlternativeTentacle Sun 03-Dec-17 10:23:03

Just to let you know that I have booked a holiday from 2nd to 10th of April so I won't be available to have Freddie then

What happens if you text back 'Oh sorry, you will have to find childcare for your days that week as I am away'?

CheapSausagesAndSpam Sun 03-Dec-17 10:24:41

YANBU. I would say "You're not available on your days? Oh...that might be a problem. I'll look into it and get back to you."

It might be enough to make him see what he's doing.

Pengggwn Sun 03-Dec-17 10:25:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ameliablue Sun 03-Dec-17 10:26:45

I think it is a conversation you need to have, it may have just been annoying up until now but a time will inevitably come when it won't suit, so best find a better way now.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand Sun 03-Dec-17 10:27:36

A lot of NRP pull this shit. My ex has said that he's too ill hungover to have the kids the day he's supposed to pick them up. It's not like if I'm ill, I can delegate parenting to him or I might have plans that I've spent money on even a holiday for myself if I had the cash.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand Sun 03-Dec-17 10:28:22

I shouldn't have said s lot of NRP. I mean it's a common thing to happen judging by the people I know and this forum.

everywhichwaybut Sun 03-Dec-17 10:32:15

Pengwn. We decided jointly to have a child, we both have responsibility, he desperately wanted to be a dad..... Why should I have expected this? It makes little sense?

Others, you are right of course I need to talk rather than seethe quietly.... One of my failings generally.

category12 Sun 03-Dec-17 10:33:31

Tell him that it bugs you. Make it lighthearted, but just say how it makes you feel. No point letting it fester.

Pengggwn Sun 03-Dec-17 10:35:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StealthPolarBear Sun 03-Dec-17 10:38:46

Yes you are the default parent op. He parents when it suits him. I don't think it's uncommon even when parents are together

blueskyinmarch Sun 03-Dec-17 10:54:39

Just ask him if, in future, he could contact you prior to booking holidays just to make sure you can have your DS during that time and haven't made arrangements of your own?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Sun 03-Dec-17 10:55:28

If you have a set "rota" for when Ds is with each of you, if your coparent books a holiday which means he is away for his "shift", your reply should be "what arrangements have you made for DS while you are away?!

CandleLit Sun 03-Dec-17 11:22:15

Make sure you cover as many bases when you have the chat. It's no suprise you both haven't ironed all this out yet but you are going to have to get comfortable having these discussions as other stuff you haven't yet thought about are going to crop up over the next couple of decades. For example, if he consults you and you agree to cover his childcare but then can't, does finding alternative childcare fallback back to him or you? Remember this works both ways so if he says you, make sure he's clear that if he covers you and his plans change, he has to sort out alternatives.

PurpleStarInCashmereSky Sun 03-Dec-17 11:32:37

Why can't he take DS on holiday? He is a father and should book holidays with this in mind.

LannieDuck Sun 03-Dec-17 11:45:56

What's the normal arrangement?

Do you have primary care and he sees DS as and when he can? Or do you have shared custody and separate days that you look after DS?

If the latter, he should be asking whether you're available to look after DS on 'his' days. And if not, he should be making alternative arrangements.

LannieDuck Sun 03-Dec-17 11:46:50

Also, what would his response be if you told him you were going away for a week and wouldn't be available during that time?

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