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To not want Dh "checking" my phone?

(108 Posts)
DontTouchTheCharredCrotch Sun 03-Dec-17 06:51:11

I don't really use it tbf as I mostly rely on my iPod for most things I do (Skype/FaceTime/mn) but i do use it most weeks for something or other...
It's just a basic phone that can just about access the internet after a 5 minute fight with it. It's left on my desk and I plug/unplug it periodically (don't leave it on constantly due to risk of fire). I check it at least once a day while doing this.

Dh started checking it when we were awaiting our foxtel broadband box being delivered, the tracking notification went to my phone. I was ok with that but found it odd that he did so without asking.
He's also accessed my iPod, once, to change the settings on an app. I didn't ask him to he just took it upon himself to do it. After doing so he kept asking questions about stuff like
"Who's John" "whys he messaged you on kik" (to ask me about something work related. Which Dh probably saw). Since then I've put a passcode on my iPod. It's an iPod
Touch, so similar to an iPhone but can't actually make SIM card/normal calls with it.
I have nothing to hide but detest people going through my things. Be it my underwear draw, phone, laptop or a random box of stuff, if it's mine then hands off it. Dh is similar.
Back onto the phone. He keeps checking it,
Almost daily I'll see him picking it up. He saw a text preview on it earlier and has since been asking me "who's Tyler" "whys he messaging you" that would be because I asked him to (he's a landscaper and the text was something like "hi Don't, it's Tyler from y company, do you still need x job doing?", nothing remotely personal!).
I don't like it, but Dh keeps insisting he does it in case I "miss something important". It makes me very uncomfortable and I'm feeling like it's a bit possessive.
Am I being weird or is he being out of order?
Thanks in advance

Ecclesiastes Sun 03-Dec-17 06:55:15

He is totally out of order. That's all there is to it.

EnterFunnyNameHere Sun 03-Dec-17 06:56:17

Well you're definitely not being weird, that is really odd behaviour and would annoy the crap out of me!

Have you specifically asked him not to do it anymore? As in, not asked him why he does it (and get the "so you don't miss anything" line), actually really directly say that you appreciate his concern, but he needs to stop? If you have, what did he say?

DressedCrab Sun 03-Dec-17 06:59:18

I'd ask to check his every single time he did it.

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck Sun 03-Dec-17 07:00:21

That's creepy. Put passwords on all your devices and don't tell him what they are. In lock screen and security, select hide notifications.

DontTouchTheCharredCrotch Sun 03-Dec-17 07:00:50

This is a rough guideline of how these conversations go (I've tried a few times)
Me: look I don't want you checking my phone anymore
Dh: but you might miss something important
Me: I won't, I don't miss important things.
Dh: oh but what about this time you forgot/didn't do important thing (the particular examples vary)
Me: yes we all make mistakes but it's my phone anyway. If I miss something important I'll deal with it.

But then nothing changes.
If I try to grab my phone off him/tell him no/get to it first while he's doing it he accuses me of being scared, paranoid or having something to hide.
His examples of me forgetting things are
The time I forgot to return the keys to a letting agent (5yrs ago) so had to make a mad dash there the next day to avoid being charged for a change of locks.
The time I forgot (9 years ago!) to book holiday insurance and we very nearly missed a connecting flight...
a few others too but they're all at least 4 years ago and not remotely relevant to anything to do with my mobile phone!

Anatidae Sun 03-Dec-17 07:03:56

You can hide notifications on the lock screen.

Stop trying to reason with him. Tell him outright ‘checking my phone is invasive and controlling. stop doing it.’
Oh but you’ll miss something
‘Don’t be ridiculous. Stop checking my phone. It’s invasive and controlling.’
Repeat ad neauseum

Is he controlling about other stuff?

gunsandbanjos Sun 03-Dec-17 07:05:18

Wow, he’s being dreadful!! Can you not put a passcode on your phone?

Mamia15 Sun 03-Dec-17 07:07:54

Do you think he has anything to hide?

DontTouchTheCharredCrotch Sun 03-Dec-17 07:08:04

He has been financially controlling in the past, but that was addressed and he's completely different now (in a good way).
I don't really want to have to hide my shit, like changing previews and stuff. For 2 reasons.
He should just listen to me without that and also he'll just tell me I'm being paranoid or hiding something away from him... but repetition will probably be the way to go. Reasoning isn't working with him, I get that...

EnterFunnyNameHere Sun 03-Dec-17 07:10:02

In that case, can you set up a lock screen and stop notifications from showing on it? Or stop leaving it where he can get to!

Although I sort of feel, why should you change to stop him doing something he shouldn't be doing anyway?

Maybe you should have that conversation again and just keep responding "if I miss something I miss something, I'd prefer that to you going through my stuff so please stop" to everything he says back?

gunsandbanjos Sun 03-Dec-17 07:10:43

You’re right, he should just listen to you and respect your wishes but unfortunately he’s not.
So you need to look at alternatives. Is it a relationship you want to continue? If so then you need to decide if you can put up with this or if you need to make changes.
Only you know the answer to that.

DontTouchTheCharredCrotch Sun 03-Dec-17 07:11:07

I never used to have pass codes but I do have them now. One on iPod one on phone. But it's making me feel awful that I have to do that.
My phone also has message previews which I didn't realise you could turn off. But you can read a lot if not all of the whole message just by clicking on it, the preview is a reasonably sized text on its own without having to unlock the phone iykwim.

I'm not sure if he's hiding something, but probably not. Logically it wouldn't really be possible for him to hide an affair or some such... maybe something else though.

RefuseTheLies Sun 03-Dec-17 07:11:26

Is he generally dismissive of your boundaries? I would lose my shit if my DH kept doing something I’d expressly and clearly told him I didn’t want or like.

From a practical point of view, and to spite him, get a new phone that you can lock.

HeteronormativeHaybales Sun 03-Dec-17 07:12:32

He's way, way out of line.

This would be OK in our marriage* unless and until the person whose phone/device it is said they didn't like it and to stop it. Then it would stop.
*e.g. I open dh's post if I know who it's from and it's something I usually manage. He is a mobile phone refusenik who uses an old Nokia only when he really really must, so I 'check' that phone too. I have his email login (I think) but I would never go in there deliberately just to snoop.

I too would be interested to know if he's controlling over other stuff.

RoganJosh Sun 03-Dec-17 07:12:51

If it was the other way round and someone has a passcode on their phone and was protective over it, people tend to say it looks like they have soneito hide. So I’d worry that by adding a passcode you’d make him more paranoid. He’d feel like he’s justified in snooping in a way.

I think you need to really push the ‘what exactly are you worried about missing?’. And suggest that holiday bookings etc you give his email address.

User561738489948 Sun 03-Dec-17 07:12:52

It sounds like he’s the one with something to hide

DontTouchTheCharredCrotch Sun 03-Dec-17 07:13:05

Leaving isn't something I'll entertain at the moment.... but if it doesn't improve. I don't know sad

Anatidae Sun 03-Dec-17 07:15:06

Settings, notifications, scroll to the app you want then adjust

Have you challenged him?

‘Dh. I want you to stop going through my phone. It’s invasive, controlling and it implies you don’t trust me. Why are you doing it?’
You might miss something
‘That’s a ridiculous excuse. If you think I’ve missed something ask me. Stop going through my phone.’

HeteronormativeHaybales Sun 03-Dec-17 07:15:30

Ah, x post.

If this is new behaviour, it would either indicate projecting because he has something to hide (as a PP hinted) or (more likely IMO) a resurgence of his controlling nature with a new focus. Sorry sad

Use Anatidae's strategy on him.

ZigZagandDustin Sun 03-Dec-17 07:17:34

It's just a theory but I also wonder if he's got something to hide. Especially if this checking has only started at some point in time for seemingly no reason.

DontTouchTheCharredCrotch Sun 03-Dec-17 07:17:45

It's not my iPod I have previews on it's my other phone, which is a cheap android. I'm not even sure what model it is tbh blush blush

Yes I have challenged him/spoken to him about it a few times but he doesn't listen to me. I have also said I find it uncomfortable and invasive, but he just says why what do you expect me to find? What are you hiding from me?
Well, boring stuff. But I still don't like it.

ZigZagandDustin Sun 03-Dec-17 07:17:58

Crosspost too!

EnterFunnyNameHere Sun 03-Dec-17 07:20:10

I think you need to really push the ‘what exactly are you worried about missing?’. And suggest that holiday bookings etc you give his email address.

This makes sense to me too, if you want to be kind about it without giving ground. I also think this a good, reasonable thing to say when he asks you about a message, rather than you telling him what he wants to know.

So rather than "who is X who text you?", "Oh he's from Y, why are you looking at my phone again?"

"who is X who text you?, "I've asked you before not to check my phone, what is it you're so worried about being missed?"

That way way each time he asks he's not getting the satisfaction of the answer he wants so no reward to keep asking?

DontTouchTheCharredCrotch Sun 03-Dec-17 07:24:07

I already do similar Enter,
I'll give a short explanation and then say, I can check my own phone/stop checking my phone/can you put my phone down or hand it to me please.

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