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AIBU?

Or is he...

69 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 02/12/2017 23:50

So my DH has been with the same company for years, but he’s been a freelancer.. but this year he’s permanent so he’s ‘invited’ to their Christmas party with a partner when he never has been before.

He mentioned to me the date (very loosely..).... I’ve just become the (thankless) chair of the PTA and that date was our fair so I said I thought I should probably miss it so I could help clean up after our Christmas fair.

The date of the fair changed a good 2 months ago... and he didn’t say anything. I mentioned his Christmas party and he said it was nothing.

I pressed a little bit a week or so ago and he said that he was taking another person in the office as his plus one because they can’t go otherwise, and it was ‘nothing’.

So tonight.. (my birthday weekend also just to give some perspective) he gets ready in suit and I ask he wants dropping at the station... he says no, work have arranged for a car to collect him.

Some hours later I see Facebook pictures emerging and his work have hired out a huge London tourist attraction for their party. Like.. it’s a really huge thing.

I’m super pissed off. And more than that... just upset. Like he didn’t want me there.

AIBU

OP posts:

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AnneLovesGilbert · 02/12/2017 23:56

That’s exactly what it sounds like, how horrible.

Were they his photos on fb? As in he knew you’d see them and wasn’t trying to hide anything? And who on earth is the person he took as his date?

If you think he intentionally misled you about how big an event it was so he could go without you I’d want to find out why.

TheSnowFairy · 02/12/2017 23:58

YABU - you said you couldn't go and it's fair to assume (as he hadn't been before) he didn't realise what a big do his work party was.

Cavender · 02/12/2017 23:58

That’s just... awful.

I’d be so hurt.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2017 00:00

I’ve never been to a work event and not known where it would be or had an idea about what it would involve.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 03/12/2017 00:03

But if he had already promised someone after you said you couldn't go then it wouldn't be fair to let them down...unless this person was a woman then I'd be fuming.

Chrys2017 · 03/12/2017 00:05

You declined and so he asked someone else (probably another freelancer). It would have been nasty for him to then uninvite the other person.
Work parties are dull in any case, London attraction or no.

FitBitFanClub · 03/12/2017 00:05

he said that he was taking another person in the office as his plus one because they can’t go otherwise,

Why couldn't they go otherwise? Surely the office aren't discriminating against single people?

FitBitFanClub · 03/12/2017 00:06

it wouldn't be fair to let them down

But the OP is his wife. Surely she comes first?

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 03/12/2017 00:07

In fairness... I think this person is a man. (At least he told me it was and I bloody hope it’s true)

But it was a tiny window in between me not beingvsure if I could go, the fair changing date and me being enthusiastic about it.

We’re trying to ‘work hard on our marriage’ and I just don’t think this is it.

I feel really hurt.

He told me he had to work my birthday.... then this party...

I just think this might be it.

OP posts:

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 03/12/2017 00:08

It was apparently a freelancer.

But I don’t remember other employees taking him to the party for the past few years...

OP posts:

Eltonjohnssyrup · 03/12/2017 00:09

Sorry, I'm with him on this. As he's just been made permanent and it is the first party it was a pretty big deal and you turned it down to 'clean up' after the PTA. Could you not just have apologised and left at the end of the fair? You weren't interested in where it was or what was happening until that was cancelled. I think he would have been quite hurt. I'm not surprised he didn't want to take you after you'd been so uninterested.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 03/12/2017 00:10

And if you were happy to spend your birthday weekend clearing up, why is it a big deal now?

CandleLit · 03/12/2017 00:10

You told him you couldn't go and he invited someone else. It would have been awkward for him to uninvite the other person. If you really wanted to go, the moment to sort that out was months ago when your fair date got moved, not now you've seen the phoos of the swanky venue. Would you be so bothered if it had been at a local pub? In the kindest way possible, you post reads like sour grapes to me.

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 03/12/2017 00:11

It wasn’t really like that... our PTA don’t have a lot of volunteers and I’m trying really hard to turn that around. It wasn’t a brush off.. it was a pained ‘ugh, I should probably not let people down and leave for a party when I’m the chair’

But that was two months ago. And the date changed about a day later.

OP posts:

Eltonjohnssyrup · 03/12/2017 00:12

Plus, he's doing a favour for another freelancer who is in the same position he was. It would be shit to tell him he can't go because you've changed your mind when he's already extended the invitation.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 03/12/2017 00:13

Yeah, it was a brush off. Even if you'd asked him if he would mind being a little late it might not have been. But what you did was a brush off.

GladysKnight · 03/12/2017 00:15

I'm wirh you OP, I'd be really hurt. No way would me & dh do this kind of thing to each other.

ReanimatedSGB · 03/12/2017 00:16

Sorry but (unlike the other live thread on an office party) YABU. You said you couldn't go; he offered the plus one to another colleague, then you found you could go after all but the colleague doesn't deserve to be uninvited because your plans have changed. Colleagues get more out of work parties than trailing spouses anyway.

chestylarue52 · 03/12/2017 00:23

If you're 'trying to work on your marriage' does that not also involve you giving the benefit of the doubt, that he might not have been deliberately excluding you?

It's also worth examining - Would you have been less pissed off if it's been a low key do in a local pub, and why? Are you interested in being with him and meeting his colleagues or just having a posh night out? And if you are so interested in being with him and meeting his colleagues then why did a totally voluntary thing take precedence over that?

CandleLit · 03/12/2017 00:23

The situation you've described doesn't come across as bad enough to draw the conclusion that he's not working hard on your marriage. There must be other stuff going on or maybe you are at the end of your rope with the marriage? Sometimes relationships get to the point when even the way they are breathing feels like they are doing it deliberately to piss you off. Could that be the case?

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 03/12/2017 00:28

Okay, I guess I am being unreasonable.

I just feel so hurt. And it wasn’t about the venue. I would’ve been happier and more comfortable sitting in a local pub with him than in the huge venue the party was at.. it was more about the fact that he was clearly very relieved I wasn’t going.

OP posts:

keeponworking · 03/12/2017 00:40

Well, I would have thought that if you could suddenly go, and I was your husband, I'd be like "Wow, great, you can come woohoo!!".

So, MaryPoppins, I don't think it's unreasonable really.

I also cannot imagine that someone from his own office, freelance or otherwise, would be 'unable to go unless he had them as his +1'.

Plus, he deliberately was dishonest about and downplayed the size and content and venue of the party to make it seem like something really quite small and boring, when it wasn't, it was a proper big do.

Maybe he was pissed off at the original time you said 'oh god I can't go because I've got to to finish off this PTA thing' at which point there were two options. 1. He or you could have said you know what I could go but we might have to arrive 20 minutes late or 2. he could have just said sod this Mary, stuff the PTA, I really want us to go. Both of which indicate missed opportunities to communicate what you both felt in order to have possibly been able to find a compromise. If as you say you're working on your marriage, maybe lack of communication is one of the aspects that's not working well??

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Eltonjohnssyrup · 03/12/2017 00:47

He wasn't dishonest. When he first asked the OP she couldn't have cared less if it was a banquet with the Queen. She just said no. She didn't ask what it was or what they were doing. She just said no.

Why should he have to start telling her all about it and what it is when she's already said she's not interested? It's not dishonesty at all.

Can you imagine if a woman posted on here and said her husband had refused to come to an event which was a big deal because of a minor clash then started sulking when she took a females friend after they realised it was somewhere nice? They'd be told to LTB.

Apileofballyhoo · 03/12/2017 00:52

I'd be really hurt too.

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 03/12/2017 00:55

I didn’t ‘refuse’ and I did ‘care less’ EltonJohn

I was really sad I couldn’t go. But I didn’t want to let a whole other group of people down either.

One day later I could go. And I was enthusiastic about it.

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