Son accused of being a bully

[Ragnarhairybretches]

Will try not to drip feed but also be brief!. DS2 was badly bullied in reception year. After trying with the school we eventually moved him. Been at new school 5 years now. He is very happy, top 3 in every subject (except games), reports say he is popular and lovely kid in class.
A mum phoned me out of the blue. My son has been bullying hers culminating in DS2 punching her boy ( BulliedBoy) in the groin and what was I going to do about it? I tried not to be the parent who believes her child is an angel regardless (although it was unbelievable to me) and mentioned it to my son. His reaction was shock, tears and asking me why BB would say that. Why didn't BB like him? Etc.
So after a bad night I take in a very worried boy to school. Get his form tutor in a room to tell her what's going on.
She is also shocked as no signs in class but will bring both boys in and talk about it.
Turns out BB lied. 2 weeks earlier they had been playing and DS2 caught BB eye in an accident but the punching groin incident was a lie. As witnessed by another child who came forward.
Teacher mentioned not first time BB and his mother had had issues with classmates. And mum of witness child said it has happened a lot and that BB mum a CF!
Obviously the school have been great but I am so angry at BB mother. She demanded my son apologize properly for the eye accident but to be frank my son deserves an apology too for the lie and upset caused.
I have not done anything yet except listen to everything but WIBU to let BB mum know what has gone off as apparently she has not contacted the school at all so may not even know her son has lied. OR am I just stirring the barrel of shit and should just let my son get over it?

[DullAndOld]

Honestly just try to move on.
ignore BB mum totally.

[KurriKurri]

I don't think I would be able to stop myself contacting BB's Mum and telling her exactly what her son is like and asking her what she proposes to do about it, starting with an apology.

But that may not be the most sensible course, I feel your anger though - wrongful accusations are really upsetting.
But I guess the school feel they have dealt with it, and it might look as if you are stirring it if you contact the Mum. Maybe you could tell the school that she phoned you and was very accusatory, so you would like them to contact her and tell her what is what. Otherwise if she doesn;t know, chances are she will go about telling others untrue things about your son.


What does your son want to do ? Does he want to take it further or would he rather just move on ?

[PerditaSinjorino]

As tempting as it us to contact BBs DM and request an apology for the lie, it would be best to lead by example and simply ignore the behaviour. Getting a rise out of both you and your DS will be what she wants.

Ignore her, and tell your DS to keep a reasonable distance from BB and suggest any contact is only ever polite. Be squeaky clean

[Bluntness100]

Oh I’d contact her. Give her an update. Don’t demand an apology, just say look not sure if you’ve heard but this is what’s occurred thought you should know and leave it there.

[Ragnarhairybretches]

I will most likely do the proper thing and shut up and suck up. School have agreed with me and told both boys not to play together but DS1 is a gentle soul and worries that BB will be sad as he now has no friends!
I'm just cross as I feel BB was egged on by his mum a bit, parents divorced and mummy and daddy came together and gave him attention and I think it got out of hand. I just think BB mum should show more sense and talk to the school before ringing someone at home.

[Earslaps]

I think you behaved exactly as you should. Don't contact her at all but if she contacts you explain you spoke to the teacher and it turned out to be a false accusation, as verified by a witness. Say you would like any further issues like this dealt with via the school.

She sounds like the sort who loves a drama so I'd give her a very wide berth!

[Ragnarhairybretches]

Thanks everyone. I will not kick the wasps nest then and hope she doesn't decide to chat to me at pick up (she's always been friendly before). If she does I plan to just say Talk to the school. And leg it, say anything more and it may all come spilling out!

[Sensimilla]

Hmm...'punching in the groin' is a weird thing to fabricate...it would normally be arm/leg/face, I think

It's really really common for children who have been bullied to act out on others, what happened to them (the bullied become bullies).... I would keep an eye on things and not kick off at the other boys mum, just in case

[Popfan]

I'd ask the school if they told the mum that her son lied. I should think they would have done but it will put your mind at rest.

[Ragnarhairybretches]

He said a punch in the balls. I changed it to groin for MN. And I don't think the idea of ball punching is an unusual one to a group of 10 year old boys! Also there are other class mates it's been done to so I am going with my gut which is my son did not bully BB.

[PerfumeIsAMessage]

Your child is in a class, almost the last year of primary where they punch each other in the balls? As a matter of routine?
Avoid the other mother, teach your child that punching anyone anywhere is not acceptable (which I'm sure you do) and count the days till he finishes.
It does sound a bit as though there is backstory to the pair of them. Did you know about the eye incident before?
Just make sure the teacher keeps them apart.

[Girliefriendlikesflowers]

How did the other mum have your phone number?

She sounds like she has an axe to grind unfortunately.

[Charolais]

Bloody hell! Growing up in the 50’s and 60’s we would often duke it out and no one cared.

[Ragnarhairybretches]

The school goes to 13 so a few years yet! DS2 has never punched anyone that I'm aware of, even his younger siblings run rings around him.
I'm not saying anyone punched anyone in the balls at all, I'm just saying 10 year old boys talk about Willie's and balls a lot so I wouldn't think imagining a hit to that area as being 'weird to fabricate'. They wear boxes for sports and the incident happened (or didn't) in the sports changing room.
Knew about the eye. Happened at a party where BB mum was supervising and was told to me by everyone as an accident. (Incl her).
She has my number like many mums do with kids in same class. Parties etc.

[Eltonjohnssyrup]

Given this boy has no friends and sounds isolated and has reported bullying from other class members before I am very shocked that the school would dismiss this simply because another child claimed to be able to corroborate your son's account. When serious bullying and ostracism is happening on a class level it would be unsurprising for other children to back up the bullies against the victim. Strange policy.

I think your instinct to leave well alone is probably the best one.

[CharisMama]

Poor you and yr son. Once years ago, a not very nice kid made a comment about a confident rich kid (whose mother was on pta and a queen bee type)being a bit plump and drew my daughter in to it saying 'isnt he, isnt he?" and my daughter just awkardly laughed and walked away from both boys. The plump kid told his mother that my daughter was mean to him, went home in tears because he was upset about being fat, implied my dd had called him fat. Queen bee told everybody and I mean everybody that my child was a mean bully because her child too scared to tell her what really happened!
The head came to talk to the class about bullying and everybody "knew" that it was because my dd had been bullying her son.
Often the child being bullied is upset that some other child in the vicinity hasnt shown them loyalty. That's what happened to my dd. A boy 8 moths older and taller and bigger was basically angry that my smaller dd didnt stand up to a bully on his behalf.

[CheeseyToast]

I had a similar thing happen some years back, mother unknown to me phoned to tell me my son had kicked her son at lunchtime and I was to tell my son not to be a bully.
I went to the teacher who said she had no issues with my son's behaviour but that there was a parent causing problems between the children, apparently this parent lurked in the school grounds (not UK) and took it upon themselves to report every perceived injustice to parents and teachers. Utterly bizarre. Anyway, the school was great. I never called the woman back because she's just a dick. Not worth engaging with.