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To go round there and give him a piece of my mind

(26 Posts)
Templeofdoom1974 Sat 02-Dec-17 12:56:44

I’m really worried about a dear friend of mine. She’s 41, 3 dc’s under 7, married to a very successful but emotionally and physically unavailable man. She’s a sahm. About a year ago she told me that her 61 year old neighbour was making lewd comments at her, telling her he wanted to shag her etc, he’s married also, it was really stressing and creeping her out and she said she was doing her utmost to avoid him and ignore him if she did see him. She’s had a really tough year, she said she’s been feeling really down and lonely, stuck at home with the kids, never having a break or going out in the evening. Last week she phoned me in tears and told me that she has been meeting up with this neighbour once a week while the kids are at school and having sex. She told me that after sex he leaves straight away and then ghosts her for a week or two before coming back for more. I went round to see her and she doesn’t know how it started but she has started seeing him in a completely different way and despite how he treats her she can’t end it. I was speechless because I genuinely thought she saw him as a creepy old man and now they are having an affair (if you can call it that it sounds like he is just using her for sex). I think over the past year he has got inside her head where she has been feeling so low. I’m planning on going to his house and warning him to leave her alone but dh said I should leave it alone and instead support my friend in ending it. I don’t know how to help her.

KeepServingTheDrinks Sat 02-Dec-17 13:00:45

None of your business. I understand why you're shocked and upset, but stay out of it other than supporting your friend.

Lucisky Sat 02-Dec-17 13:01:19

I think your dh is right. Don't get involved, no good will come of it.

Templeofdoom1974 Sat 02-Dec-17 13:06:04

I thought as much. I want to punch his fucking lights out.

liviadrusilla Sat 02-Dec-17 13:14:32

Does she know you'd like to warn him off?

Mumof56 Sat 02-Dec-17 13:21:09

I was speechless because I genuinely thought she saw him as a creepy old man

She probably led you to believe this as she guessed how judgmental you would be.

I want to punch his fucking lights out hmm

Why are you so bothered about who your friend is sleeping with?

blueskyinmarch Sat 02-Dec-17 13:30:36

She must like him well enough if she is having an affair with him. I would be more cross with your friend for deceiving her DH tbh.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 02-Dec-17 13:35:02

I’m not reading that she likes him. She sounds manipulated and vulnerable. I also think you should be supporting your friend. If necessary, you could both go to see him and end it if she wants that support.

StaplesCorner Sat 02-Dec-17 13:38:48

Mummy I read it the same way as you; this is what women do when they are very low, they get sucked into it. But OP you can only support your friend. Even though I'd like to punch his lights out as well.

Vango Sat 02-Dec-17 13:41:30

She's had a really tough year. She said she's been feeling really down and lonely.

OP you are involved because she's your friend and she's confided in you. She phoned you in tears. I never understand the 'none of your business' comments. You don't sound judgemental either. She told you he was creepy.

You recognise that your friend is vulnerable. And it sounds like the neighbour is taking advantage of that vulnerability. So I totally understand why you'd want to protect her.

I haven't a clue what you can do to help her though. It's an awful situation. But I can see why you feel as you do.

Italiangreyhound Sat 02-Dec-17 13:42:22

Support your friend. Don't engage with neighbour. Don't punch anyone.

Good luck.

Mumof56 Sat 02-Dec-17 13:43:25

this is what women do when they are very low

hmm

FolderReformedScruncher Sat 02-Dec-17 13:44:49

Could you ask her if she wants you warn him off. If she is so down she may not feel able to do so. I would ask her for a yes no answer and then act accordingly. I think you are being a good friend.

greendale17 Sat 02-Dec-17 13:46:05

*I’m not reading that she likes him. She sounds manipulated and vulnerable.*

^This

OwdBets Sat 02-Dec-17 13:47:55

YABU for wanting to interfere and being ageist.

Vango Sat 02-Dec-17 13:48:55

Why are you so bothered about who your friend is sleeping with?

Maybe because it's a married neighbour who was previously "stressing and creeping her out". A person she'd been actively trying to avoid or ignore. Who'd been making "lewd comments".

How could anyone not be bothered?

Frederickvonhefferneffer Sat 02-Dec-17 13:50:34

Support your friend. If she needs your help in getting out of this situation and you can help them do it. He is married so it’s not the start of a new romance. Your friend needs help.

buckeejit Sat 02-Dec-17 13:56:45

This is awful. I think yo should spend some time with her & try to figure out what he wants. Doesn't sound like she's in a great place for making big decisions but if she's sure she wants it to end support her in making a plan-maybe going to talk to him together & encourage her to have some counselling

KurriKurri Sat 02-Dec-17 14:08:48

I think you are right to be concerned for your friend, it doesn;t sound as if she is happy with this 'relationship' and when you say she can;t end it, i take that to mean she would like to but for some reason is unable to ?

I would continue to support hera nd try to find any information that might help her - contacting Women;s Aid for example might be a starting point, afaik they help people who are being coerced into sex. Co ercion can happen for all sorts of reasons and in all sorts of ways. Your friend sounds very vulnerable, and the man she is involved with sound pretty unpleasant to me.

Obviously you can't force her to seek help, but you could provide her with the info and the phone numbers etc, should she decide she does want help getting out of this.

iBiscuit Sat 02-Dec-17 14:15:23

Your poor friend. If and when her husband finds out and wants to divorce her, she'll be presented as the bad guy regardless of how big an arse he (and creepy neighbour) are. Things will get even more horrible for her, whatever happens.

I wonder if he's threatening to tell if she tries to stop it?

I like the suggestion to contact someone like Women's Aid.

Templeofdoom1974 Sat 02-Dec-17 14:15:52

Mumof56 she is vulnerable which is why I’m so pissed off. He is taking advantage of her, using her for sex and then you gnoring her until the next time. I’m not being judgemental just really fucking concerned for her emotional well-being.

Templeofdoom1974 Sat 02-Dec-17 14:19:38

I’m going to talk to her and see if she wants me to intervene. I like the idea of contacting womensaid, although I’m not sure she’ll agree. She wants to end it but then she sees him and it all goes to shit.

Templeofdoom1974 Sat 02-Dec-17 14:24:50

I don’t think he’s threatening to tell if she ends it, apparently he’s terrified of his wife finding out.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed Sat 02-Dec-17 14:25:18

Help her type a text to him saying something along the lines of we have been foolish and this needs to stop from now as too many people will get her do not contact me

And be there for her she does sound vulnerable and she needs support to end this because he certainly won’t

He can certainly be blamed for manipulating her but she can now take some control back

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed Sat 02-Dec-17 14:25:42

Get hurt ....

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