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To think there's something wrong with me?

(12 Posts)
UnsuspectedItem Sat 02-Dec-17 12:34:43

Very sorry for posting such a self involved thread.

I've recently been dating someone (met online) who has become very distant and would appear to be close to disappearing on me completely. He is having a lot of personal issues with a new job and his parents being terminally ill, so I've tried my utmost to be patient and kind however I have noticed that whilst he hasn't been messaging me back straight away, he has been logging on to OD, so I guess that's that.

My ex before him just simply cut contact with no explanation, he completely disappeared.

And before that, my ex (who I financially supported) left me on the day I was made redundant, taking my laptop and currently owes me about £9k. He too has disappeared.

I have anxiety issues, which are medicated, and am pretty introverted. It's become impossible not to take all of this extremely personally.

I know I should be happy in my own company and "not need no man" but despite really really trying, I'm just not.

I'm 26, intelligent and witty, recently described as an 8/10 for attractiveness (by an overly honest acquaintance) and i run my own business. I try my absolute hardness to be as kind and helpful to others as possible.

Despite all this it would appear that the common denominator is me.

AIBU to think that this is it? That all the decent ones are either taken or simply don't exist?

I know this is long and self pitying, so I'm very sorry and congrats if you made it through!

UnsuspectedItem Sat 02-Dec-17 12:36:15

Jesus I just read that back and I sound so arrogant, I'm not I promise!

ScootieAllan Sat 02-Dec-17 12:43:42

It's not you. Some people are just dicks and nothing you do or say will change it. Of course decent men exist but it tends to take experience (well, age in my case) to firstly have confidence in yourself and secondly to recognise the signs of someone whos going to act like a knob and steer away from them.

ijustwannadance Sat 02-Dec-17 12:56:32

I think the only thing that is down to you is that you seem to be stuck in a pattern of accepting shitty behaviour.

Your ex was a cocklodger who disappeared as soon as the money did. Why wete you financially supporting him in the first place?

Perhaps your anxiety issues make you cling to people to try to create stability.
You need to have confidence in yourself. Being an introvert does not = walkover.

Peanutbuttercheese Sat 02-Dec-17 12:56:40

You may just be too trusting I suppose that's a nice quality but maybe it lowers your boundaries too quickly.

For instance the financially supporting your ex, how serious was the relationship and how long had you been dating. No man would ever get money out of me when dating.

Being intelligent in the academic sense has no bearing on emotional intelligence, maturity or common sense. I workedwith the brightest as in worked in higher education and some of them had the common sense of a gnat. Plus being attractive just attracts men, the good , the bad and the ugly.

UnsuspectedItem Sat 02-Dec-17 13:55:01

Thank you all for being so kind.

Im definitely too trusting (whilst also being highly suspicious and an over thinker, a fun combination) and i have an deep desire to help and please - I don't know how it got to that situation with ex. I'm certainly must more careful with my money now.

Im aware I need to be more confident in myself but have no idea how to do that.

Increasinglymiddleaged Sat 02-Dec-17 13:59:26

Nah the common denominator is that your last 3 boyfriends have been utter dicks. Tbh I'd dump anyone who started playing games, like the latest one. His parents being ill etc isn't an excuse to treat you badly imo.

ScootieAllan Sat 02-Dec-17 18:13:59

Also - any acquaintance who scored my attractiveness out of 10 would be given fairly short shrift...

KimmySchmidt1 Sat 02-Dec-17 19:04:15

It's not you, but there are a couple of things you can do to protect yourself.

1 take it offline as soon as you can - if you only contact each other via a dating site it's much easier for a man to ignore you.

2 it's a myth that the nicer you are,the better. Nice can seem needy. So be friendly, relaxed but have boundaries and standards. Men like those things, because they know where they are and how to behave.

3. Don't give anyone money. Ever.

Peanutbuttercheese Sun 03-Dec-17 03:06:43

But regardless of their dickish behaviour you don't suddenly just lend a BF thousands. People have shit behaviour sometimes it's a question of who puts up with it really.

Gaudeamus Sun 03-Dec-17 04:06:37

Well first of all I wouldn't take this latest experience as any sort of lesson about you. This guy is not available because of his problems and just isn't self-aware or brave enough to admit it. It's not you, it's him.

It sounds like your internal narrative has become extremely self-critical in a way that is completely unjustified given your generous nature and strong achievements. This may be leading you to overcompensate by offering too much in a relationship as a way of making up for your perceived faults, which does expose you to lousy behaviour.

Have you considered or tried CBT? It's supposed to be very successful for changing negative thought-patterns, which sounds like it could be a problem for you. You can get self-practice books if you can't work with a therapist. Maybe having a stronger self-image would help protect your optimism as you go about finding someone nicer.

Also, I think nearly everyone finds OLD a bit of a rough ride. It's not always great for self-esteem, so if you can, do bear in mind that the behaviour you encounter is a reflection of the person you meet, not of you or your ability to be loved. From what you say I believe you have every chance.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit Sun 03-Dec-17 05:56:04

It's not you. But I also think you could do with some counselling and boundaries.

Kimmy is right, being too nice can sometimes be bad


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