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I've really pissed off DP, so why don't I feel bad?

(282 Posts)
Getonthearkunicorn Sat 02-Dec-17 09:34:40

Two nights ago I asked to quickly borrow DP's phone for a quick google search, and he was being weird about it (unlike him) he said it was because he didn't want me to see his tabs for Christmas gifts.

Anyhoo, my google search begun with a 'p' and brought up a list of about 5-6 previous visits to Pornhub, watching videos titled things like 'British slag getting fucked by massive cocks'

I was a bit hmm as I am fully aware he watches porn, and it's never been an issue, but we've had extensive conversations about the porn industry and how people are treated, exploited, rape, misogyny, I could go on. He always agrees with me, and when we have watched porn together it has not been this derogatory orgy stuff.

Moving on, my two good friends were round last night and we got onto the conversation of partners watching porn. DP had just come back from being out himself, and went straight up to bed. Anyway, I said to them that I wasn't impressed that DP had been watching this stuff, and it's made me feel quite odd towards him. Unbeknown to me, he's heard this. Confronts me when I come to bed, I've embarrassed him, it's private, etc. I completely understand that it's private and I feel really bad that I broke that privacy. But actually I don't feel very sorry that I told them what kind of porn he was watching - especially the titling. He's absolutely fuming still and I've got the silent treatment, but I'm not really bothered because I think watching 8 men on one girl is pretty fucking grim.
So, do you think IBU? Should I be apologising profusely? He is utterly shocked that I'm not being very apologetic.

AlternativeTentacle Sat 02-Dec-17 09:36:17

Interesting that his privacy is more important than the women he watches being fucked by massive cocks.

If he is ashamed of it, then it is something to be ashamed of.

JollyGiraffe Sat 02-Dec-17 09:39:51

You told your friends what he was watching?

YABU. That's not your information to tell, it is indeed private and between the 2 of you if it's an issue.

He is also unreasonable to watch it as that does sound grim, but YABU to tell other people! Not nice.

MayFayner Sat 02-Dec-17 09:41:15

I wouldn't really give a shit that he was annoyed either tbh.

MorrisZapp Sat 02-Dec-17 09:42:47

I tell my friends everything. Life would be utter shit if there was nobody I could talk to about personal stuff apart from DP.

Fattymcfaterson Sat 02-Dec-17 09:43:34

Why did you not just bring this up with him in the first place? Instead of telling your friends whilst he was in earshot? Very passive aggressive.
And yes I think you should apologise. Unless you'd like him telling all his mates about your private business.

letsdolunch321 Sat 02-Dec-17 09:44:18

He is obviously ashamed that iswhy he didn’t want ypu telling your friends.

If he didn’t watch shit like that he wouldn’t have anything to be ashamed of the wanker.

No way would I apologise his problem not yours

stitchglitched Sat 02-Dec-17 09:44:39

If he feels embarrassed then it's because he knows what he is watching is grim. YANBU.

JackietheBackie Sat 02-Dec-17 09:44:46

I can see his side tbh. I am not a fan of oversharing about my husband's private stuff. And now it is out there, beyond your control. You don't know who these women will tell or how that information might be used. If I heard something like that about someone I didn't really know it would influence what I thought about them. Everyone knows that sort of porn is out there, what was gained by identifying and shaming your husband?

user1493413286 Sat 02-Dec-17 09:47:00

I’d be upset if my OH told his friends what got me going. He was embarrassed/not keen about you knowing so of course he doesn’t want your friends knowing.
Would you be ok about his friends knowing what turned you on?

NoSquirrels Sat 02-Dec-17 09:47:06

Well, if he’s embarrassed & ashamed, that’s because it’s embarrassing & shameful.

I would think badly of my DP watching that. I’d probably not tell my friends, but we don’t discuss porn. If it was in the context of a conversation already happening, and you’ve acknowledged perhaps you shouldn’t have invaded his privacy but you were upset by it, I wouldn’t be apologising further.

Frank talk between two of you if this sort of porn habit is acceptable in your relationship?

Getonthearkunicorn Sat 02-Dec-17 09:47:44

I didn't realise he was able to hear, he was in the top floor of the house and we were in the bottom.

I did bring it up with him at the time, and told him exactly what I thought. I guess I didn't really think about him telling his friends about my personal things, but like a PP I tell my friends everything. I sort of expect him to tell his friends things, if he doesn't that's his choice. I don't watch scenes of men being pretend gang raped by multiple women though, so not that bothered about what he would say!

Queenofthedrivensnow Sat 02-Dec-17 09:47:58

There's something here about his opinion of you - as in you can just suck it up and he will do what he wants but the opinion of your friends matters to him and he's embarrassed - which makes his opinion of you and your feelings is pretty low.

I'm not saying it's the correct reaction but op reacted the way I would have and it would have caused a horrific row with my exh. Who is my dh for a reason not limited to grim misogyny.

EnidColeslaw771 Sat 02-Dec-17 09:50:11

I think if I realised what "got my partner going" was watching women being abused by multiple men my main concern wouldn't be him being annoyed about my pals knowing. I'd be reassessing whether I wanted to be in a relationship with someone who got turned on by vile misogynist shit.

reetgood Sat 02-Dec-17 09:50:50

Yabu.

I wouldn’t share with friends about my partner’s sexual preferences, I’d hope he wouldn’t share mine. It’s a betrayal. You might disagree with what he watches but it’s legal and fairly common, if a bit unpalatable. Policing sexual desires just seems a bit futile. I like some stuff that isn’t great from a gender politic point of view, it doesn’t mean I can’t distinguish the difference between porn and life.

Getonthearkunicorn Sat 02-Dec-17 09:53:24

queen your point is spot on, also.

EnidColeslaw771 Sat 02-Dec-17 09:53:32

Those are real women, and that stuff is really happening to them. Rank.

Lizzie48 Sat 02-Dec-17 09:55:56

It does demonstrate a very grim attitude to women IMO, and I'd be absolutely horrified if my DH watched porn of that sort. (Thankfully, he himself would be disgusted by it, especially since we have DDs.)

Having said that, I do think it wasn't right for you to share private stuff like that with your friends. It should stay between the two of you.

stitchglitched Sat 02-Dec-17 09:57:32

I think if you watch women getting degraded and abused then you should expect others to be upset by it, especially your partner. It's awful that watching multiple men enacting a gang rape of a woman is merely seen as a sexual preference, deserving of privacy. Maybe if more men were made to feel like their viewing preferences might one day become public knowledge they'd think twice about watching women being abused for their pleasure.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno Sat 02-Dec-17 09:59:21

watching videos titled things like 'British slag getting fucked by massive cocks'

How has this become so normalised that he thinks this is ok?

OP compared to what he’s done your indiscretion is nothing to worry about.

RagingFemininist Sat 02-Dec-17 09:59:28

Well actually you didn’t tell your friends about his use of Porn but about something that is affecting YOU (aka how uncomfortable you are about people, and esp your DH, watching that sort of porn because it makes you feel xxxx)

You are totally entitled to share with friends how you are feeling about a particular aspect of your relationship.

Lizzie48 Sat 02-Dec-17 09:59:39

I actually should say that the porn itself that you've described would be a deal breaker, especially since I'm a SA survivor. I wouldn't just be moaning to my friends whilst staying in the relationship.

Doubletrouble42 Sat 02-Dec-17 10:01:27

agree with stitchglitched

SerendipityFelix Sat 02-Dec-17 10:01:39

So he's upset that your friends know he watches porn that degrades women, but hasn't mentioned any concern that it is affecting how you feel about it? He's missing the point somewhat isn't he.

Let him be shocked that you're not apologetic. It was a very normal conversation between friends discussing issues in their relationships. Emphasise that you're shocked that (a) he watches that stuff and (b) he is reacting to the fact you discuss concerns with your friends rather than the fact his proclivities are affecting your feelings about him.

This reminds me of something that I saw in an interview discussing calling out racism in US politics - about how people are offended being labelled as racist - the exchange went "how dare you call me racist!" - "how dare you be racist". Don't let people objecting to being called out on something make being called out the issue - the issue is what they're being called out on.

RagingFemininist Sat 02-Dec-17 10:01:55

As for apologising, no I wouldnt do that.
He might feels his privacy has been breached, but you feelings have also been hurt (as you have let him know) and you are allowed to share that with friends.

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