To have a cry about this?(21 Posts)
One of my dc has SN, we are still working towards a formal diagnosis however they think they know what it is... we have a family member who's DC is 8 months younger, and today she sent me a video of her dc walking. I want desperately to be excited, but I just feel so bitter and jealous right now, for those that have dealt with similar please tell me it gets better?
It's normal my son has autism and learning disabilities hes. Seven snd goes to a SN school etc its always bitter sweet seeing children much younger reach typical milestones my son' hasent achieved yet but try and focus on the positives ,I found disabillity groups on facebook helped because people are in the same position .
Hugs to you OP. It must be very difficult.
Don't have any advice. Just and be kind to yourself.
Don't worry - it's totally normal. It can take a long time to come to terms with. You are worried and grieving for the future you thought your child would have
We are 4 years on from diagnosis and I still get pangs. But you do learn that every small achievement is extraordinary and to celebrate each and every one. That sounds glib I know.
I had a cry yesterday when I was walking out of preschool and the child in front was chatting to his mother about what he had done that day. They were having a conversation and I felt a pang of jealousy that absolutely pierced me. My ds does not talk, he doesn't say Mummy even.
It is very hard, but as a pp said, mostly you find the joy in the child you have.
OP, I have two with autism who were diagnosed simultaneously at 5 and 3, who are now 8 and 6. I still sometimes burst into tears when I see a class of neuro-typical children walking down the street in a crocodile, mainly because I'm grieving for them, on their behalf, so to speak, for the life they will never have. I'd like to say it gets easier, but for me, it's mostly just been coming to terms with as best as possible.
Don't get me wrong, there are some clearly lovely things about our life as a family with disabled people in it - phrases the oldest has come up with that are hilarious that he might not otherwise have said, the fact that the younger DS is incredibly affectionate and happy all time. We've met some fantastic other families and made some real friends, who are lovely, kind, genuine, no-nonsense, hard-working people without any of the falsities that a lot of people seem to have now.
But it takes time to adjust that your life as a family will be different from the one you expected - harder in a lot of ways, but also not-so-hard in others. One of the unexpected reliefs is that because the two younger DSs go to special school - there's none of the competitive parenting bullshit that you get at mainstream. There's no stress if you're late, or if one of the DSs is ill, or if they can't write or read or use the loo at precisely the right time - so be it . They get the support so that they can achieve these things at the right time for THEM, not when it's right for everyone else. Youngest DS can't use the loo at nearly 7, and DMIL keeps asking about it, like it's a big deal. Some people will get it, and some people won't. Stick with those who do, as far as you can, and get advice from other SN parents as much as you can- they've helped me with school transfer problems, hospital issues, behavioural issues, the works.
This is a normal reaction and it does get better. One of my DC started walking at 2.5, way after his younger cousins and contemporaries. Didn’t talk until he was 4 and has several diagnoses relating to his disabilities. However, he goes to a mainstream school and in some ways I find it a relief that he just can’t be compared to his peers (or other neurotypical children). All the playground competition about whose DC is doing what / know x amount of times tables is irrelevant. Over time, I have learned to see him on a different trajectory than other DC.
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It definitely gets better! My asd son is 8 now. He didn't walk til two and a half and didn't talk til gone three. I remember this terrible feeling of sadness, anxiety, jealousy and guilt whenever I saw his cousins and my friends babies easily meeting their milestones. I was so worried about him and I was miserable he wasn't walking and talking. But then I felt horrible guilt, as if I felt he wasn't good enough somehow.
I barely think about it now. He is in mainstream school and has a dcd diagnosis too now. I get the odd pang when I see the other children's workbooks (ds can barely write legibly) or riding a bike (he can't manage without stabilisers). But there is so much he can do.
What you are going through is a type of bereavement for the child you imagined. Doesn't mean you don't adore the child you have, but it's a process that takes time. It gets much much better.
@noisykid I can assure you regardless of when we found out the outcome would be know different, we would still have a beautiful boy who we love very much, and who loves us as well. But that doesn't mean that it can't hurt, and I don't think finding out any earlier would make the hurt any less... interestingly enough I also haven't mentioned what "this" is, so as far as you know it may very well be a condition that can be diagnosed within pregnancy...
Thankyou everyone, I think I'll take today to be sad and pull myself up tomorrow!
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I've reported the above post by noisykid
That is the most dignified thing I can write
you utter twat
@OhHolyFuck thankyou was trying to formulate a somewhat dignified response but wasn't going to get far 😂
Have a good cry OP, I sometimes do, makes you feel so much better. But, after that you need to pick yourself up and get on with it. My DS is 15 now, and has CP. he never did walk, or crawl, (or talk really, or fed himself) each of these milestones hurt, but they passed. We now have different milestones, choosing schools - watching friends excited or sad because they didn't get their first choice, off to look at Uni's, dating. All these things I see 'normal' children do which my DS never will. It just makes me love him all the more and admire him more for what he has achieved.
Big unmumsnetty hugs to you and your son
There's a poem called Welcome to Holland, have a read
and my dd1 has some additional needs and can be challenging at times but she is also sweet and kind and my wonderful girl. I get so upset (mostly inside I hope) when I see some friends children doing things younger than her or that I know she can never do. Or yesterday my ddad gave us a lovely gift he had made and she was so impressed but later became so sad because she was “not very good at things like that and her friends could all do it and why can’t she?” I did cry at that when she went to bed.
It does get easier, it really does. I remember when we were at your stage every typical child around us 'overtaking' DS was like a knife through the heart and I spent most of my time in tears. It really only bothers me in a more broad sense and in a bittersweet way now.
It is a process of grieving, acceptance and finding your normal but all of a sudden you'll find you are out the other side.
DS is 6 now and although we now have a typical 1 year old I still can't watch 'secret life of a 4 year old etc'. But life is definitely good again and we feel incredibly blessed by the parenting experiences we have had.
It is hard though so go easy on yourself and know that the feelings you have are totally understandable.
Does your family member know about the dx?
@GoodChristmasGuest yup they're also an HCP so out of everyone expected them to have the most tact
Wow, I'm so sorry. I was hoping you'd say no. How thoughtless.
I would then directly just say. How lovely. Etc. But bearing in mind DC's DC, it's too hard to handle right now, and would they but send you any more such communications.
Are you normally on good terms with them? Or get another relative (mum?) To have a word and point out how hurtful it is, and maybe be a bit more sensitive?
I'm really sorry. I'm a bit clueless sometimes, but that's a pretty glaringly obvious bad thing to do .
I have had/ still have issues with mine, not as serious as yours. It does get better, in many ways (people's sensitivity/ your own thicker skin etc etc) but it does get better.
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