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AIBU?

Things to consider before becoming a SAHP

270 replies

carringtonm · 01/12/2017 22:34

DC1 is due in June 2018, and I am planning to give up work once maternity leave finishes. DP and I have been together for five years and living together for 3.5. We have a joint mortgage but are not married, nor have any immediate plans to get married.

DP is very supportive and very much has the opinion that his earnings will become our money, and I do not have any concerns that he would become in any way financially abusive. However, I think it is sensible to consider having some back up for if things were to change in the future.

I currently have a fair chunk of money in savings and will be saving heavily once Christmas is out the way. DP has about half the savings I have and we have briefly discussed pooling our savings as family savings.

At the moment we both put a set amount of money into a joint account each month which our mortgage and bills go from, then have our own current accounts and savings accounts where the rest of our money is kept. Occasionally we'll each top up the joint account if it's a more expensive month.

Can anyone give advice about what I should be putting in place before leaving work that would secure mine and my child/children's future if things did pan out differently to how we hope. And is this sensible or unnecessary?

WIBU to keep my own savings to myself (for security, not spending) when DP is happily using his own money for the good of the family?

OP posts:

Report

InspMorse · 01/12/2017 22:41

Make a will. If you haven't already.
Very important if unmarried with DC.

carringtonm · 01/12/2017 22:42

Sorry, should have added that we already have a will in place, and plan to update this as soon as the baby is born.

OP posts:

kaytee87 · 01/12/2017 22:43

Get married

MrsDustyBusty · 01/12/2017 22:44

Don't do it without consulting and excellent solicitor.

That's the job for Monday.

Orangeplastic · 01/12/2017 22:45

Get married.

mamamalt · 01/12/2017 22:46

I think you sound totally sensible. That’s exactly what I did and I’m totally happy with it. You will however find on here that people will tell you that you will end up on the streets with nothing if you’re not married.

SonicBoomBoom · 01/12/2017 22:47

Eeek. How much in savings are you talking? As in, a year or two's earnings, or a few months?

Absolutely keep your savings in your own name, you are making yourself extremely financially vulnerable, your savings will mitigate that a little bit.

Ttbb · 01/12/2017 22:50

I wouldn't do it without getting married. Once you give up work it's very hard to get back into it. The last thing you want is to be left high and dry so to speak if he decides that he has had enough. It's not hard to get married, just go sign off at the registry.

millsbynight · 01/12/2017 22:50

Get married.

Oysterbabe · 01/12/2017 22:51

I think you'd be mad to give up your career when you're not married.

carringtonm · 01/12/2017 22:51

@SonicBoomBoom Currently have about six months worth, but hoping to increase this over the next few months.

@mamamalt Thank you. I appreciate that being married is the ideal, but it's not something we're interested in at the moment. Definitely a plan for the future.

OP posts:

Dozer · 01/12/2017 22:51

Bad plan to SAH unless you’re married, and even then it’s a big personal financial risk.

Dozer · 01/12/2017 22:53

The sensible thing if not married is to keep working FT.

NotEnoughCushions · 01/12/2017 22:53

You've been together for five years, you are having a child together and you have a joint bank account and a will.

Please consider getting married, I'm struggling to understand why you wouldn't make that final commitment.

carringtonm · 01/12/2017 22:53

@MrsDustyBusty What do I need to consult a solicitor on? What to do with savings, or becoming a SAHP?

OP posts:

oncewasawarrior · 01/12/2017 22:53

Don't give up a career if you're not married. You will find it hard to get back into work after a break, and your career might not ever be what it was. If you're married then should you split then you may get spousal maintenance for a while to help you retrain and get back into work. If unmarried you get nothing.
He'll also be building up a pension to which you'll have no claim.
Just get married.

Timeforanamochango · 01/12/2017 22:55

I would put the same amount of savings into a family pot. E.g £10k each and you both keep the remainder for yourselves.

I know certain people think if you’re not married you’re going to get screwed over but if you love him enough to have a baby with him I’m sure you’ve got some idea of what kind of man he is and can judge for yourself.

I would also say, in my opinion, I don’t think it’s fair for you to be happy to live off his earnings while you are a SAHP as it’s ‘family money’ but not willing to pool some of your savings in for the same purpose... but again woman can rarely do wrong on MN so I’m sure people will not agree with me there.

Hellothereitsme · 01/12/2017 22:55

Keep your savings separate. If you were to separate are you ok with House being split 50:50 ? Could you afford a mortgage to buy him out? These are issues you should consider. Personally best thing I ever did was not to give up work - means my salary has kept pace although at part time hours and also my marriage ended.

Cantspell2 · 01/12/2017 22:55

A will and decent life insurance for both you and your partner.

NataliaOsipova · 01/12/2017 22:56

SAHP here. Had a serious chunk of own assets as well. Absolutely brilliant decision for me and for my family. But I can only echo the advice of others here - I wouldn't have considered it without being married.

SonicBoomBoom · 01/12/2017 22:56

I appreciate that being married is the ideal, but it's not something we're interested in at the moment. Definitely a plan for the future.

That makes no sense. If you're going to do it in future, just do it now. If you're not sure you want to stay together, then (well, I'd say don't have a baby, but since you're pregnant) don't give up your job.

And please, for the love of God, don't give your DC his surname.

NataliaOsipova · 01/12/2017 22:58

DP is very supportive and very much has the opinion that his earnings will become our money

He may not if you split up. And, if you're not married, neither will a court.

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Kpo58 · 01/12/2017 23:00

Get married.

The worse case scenario is that he changes his will (without telling you) to someone else, takes all the money from the joint account and hides it elsewhere and then dies in an accident.

You will then loose half the house, all money and not be entitled to anything.

BarbarianMum · 01/12/2017 23:01

Get married. Being a SAHM is the preserve of married women precisely because marriage protects you in ways that can't otherwise be replicated. The world is full of sad, shafted womens, who wake up one morning to realise the relationship is over and they are left with the shreds of a career, no money and a couple of kids to care for.

And if you won't marry, go back to work or make him pay you a wage for 50% of the childcare you provide.

PissedOffNeighbour · 01/12/2017 23:02

Definitely get married.

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