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AIBU?

To use silent treatment

28 replies

BelleSauv · 01/12/2017 21:07

Is it ever acceptable to use silent treatment? If I have explained calmly why something DH has done or said has upset me and he's dismissed it, is ignoring him acceptable or AIBU?

Genuinely interested, it feels juvenile but if explaining calmly doesn't work, what else can I do?

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treaclesoda · 01/12/2017 21:09

I think giving someone the silent treatment is shitty behaviour. Sorry, I know that's not what you wanted to hear though.

treaclesoda · 01/12/2017 21:09

But I do understand your frustration at being dismissed.

BelleSauv · 01/12/2017 21:11

He just refuses to engage when I tell him he's upset me. I can be stood there in tears and he doesn't accept he's done wrong. So what else can I do? That's a genuine question.

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MrsDoyleFallingOutTheWindow · 01/12/2017 21:12

You mean sulking? No. It's childish.

ofudginghell · 01/12/2017 21:12

What's he done that's upset you op?
Silent treatment isn't ideal but then neither is his denial that his actions have upset you.

deepestdarkestperu · 01/12/2017 21:13

The silent treatment is awful. Please don't do it.

If you're upset and he won't apologise, then you need to take some time to compose yourself/calm down before talking to him properly.

What's the reason you've argued?

LineysRunner · 01/12/2017 21:13

What kind of stuff is upsetting you?

Sorry you feel so upset btw.

BelleSauv · 01/12/2017 21:14

He said some very hurtful and untrue things in a fairly aggressive manner. It isn't the first time it's happened. I've tried to engage in conversation but he won't talk. So what else can I do? I'm feeling very hurt but it seems he doesn't care about that.

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Chrys2017 · 01/12/2017 21:14

If explaining calmly doesn't get your point across then yell at him! The silent treatment is not the way to go.

BelleSauv · 01/12/2017 21:15

I don't want to escalate things by yelling @Chrys2017 the kids are asleep.

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WhoWants2Know · 01/12/2017 21:15

I wouldn’t expect you to be perfectly content and magnanimous if you mention that you are upset and he dismisses it.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling someone “I don’t agree with you, I’m pissed off and I need some space until I’m not mad anymore.

ButchyRestingFace · 01/12/2017 21:16

I don’t know about anyone else, but if I were upset with someone who totally dismissed or trivialised my feelings, not sure I’d want to make conversation with them either.

Obviously it couldn’t go on indefinitely though.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/12/2017 21:17

What good does it do? Does he suddenly start to listen? Apologise?

I'm guessing he does nothing; so it's non productive and it's not a tactic I'd be a fan of introducing to my relationship.

He said some very hurtful and untrue things in a fairly aggressive manner.

But if that happens often, I'm not sure I'd have a relationship to hurt.

WhoWants2Know · 01/12/2017 21:17

OP, can I just ask, what happens if you do withdraw and go quiet on him? Does he carry on as normal, or does he eventually reconsider his behaviour?

letsdolunch321 · 01/12/2017 21:17

Go to another room with a magazine, mumsnet and a glass of something alcoholic. That way you don't have to look at the twat

HemanOrSheRa · 01/12/2017 21:20

Hmmm. It's difficult. DP knows if I go quiet and do 'the silent treatment' I am very, very angry indeed. Though he knows after 17 years that I am so angry that I dare not speak. Rarely happens now. What happened tonight?

BelleSauv · 01/12/2017 21:20

Those of you saying it's not something you would do, please could you suggest what else might work? If someone won't discuss something, I can't force them to. And I don't want to sit in a room with them in silence, so I'm in another room now away from him.

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deepestdarkestperu · 01/12/2017 21:20

Hang on, if he's not engaging with you, isn't he just giving YOU the silent treatment?

Or is he talking to you, just not about the argument?

BelleSauv · 01/12/2017 21:22

@WhoWants2Know last time it took 3 days for him to very begrudgingly apologise. He's incredibly stubborn and generally unwilling to admit he may be wrong.

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FlowerPot1234 · 01/12/2017 21:23

BelleSauv I think this is a really tough question. When you have tried to talk, when you have tried again and again and still someone does not admit to the damage they have caused or how they have hurt you, I can see it is tremendously hard to want to speak to them. It's not giving them a (silent) treatment, it's more not feeling you can speak to them - and how could you when your words are rejected?

Difficult one. I don't know what else you can do.

BelleSauv · 01/12/2017 21:23

He was just snapping and complaining @deepestdarkestperu so not silent but not very productive either.

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WhoWants2Know · 01/12/2017 21:25

Like a previous poster, when I’m very angry, I move past yelling to silent rage. That’s usually a sign that the relationship is over.

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deepestdarkestperu · 01/12/2017 21:28

Ah, well if I was you I would just wait until he speaks and then try and be as civil as possible.

Is this a common occurrence? I don't think I'd want to stay married to someone who was aggressive and hurtful towards me on a regular basis.

HemanOrSheRa · 01/12/2017 21:29

I'm sorry Belle I thought you were giving him the silent treatment.

So he's one of those. Just leave him to sulk. Don't say anything to him at all. Leave him where he is. He said hurtful things to you? How do you think he will react if you do that?

BelleSauv · 01/12/2017 21:34

@HemanOrSheRa I am giving silent treatment I guess, but only because he won't talk without being hurtful and quite frankly I am worth more than that. Nobody should listen to upsetting untruths from someone who is supposed to be on their side. Such a ridiculous row as well. I laughed at first as I thought he was kidding. Sigh.

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