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to be upset about friend having a baby?

(46 Posts)
welshsoph Fri 01-Dec-17 18:51:59

I feel like a horrible person. In September I had a miscarriage and I thought I had dealt with it quite well but my lovely friend had a baby girl today and I don't feel even slightly happy for her. I feel jealous, angry and generally really depressed. I knew this day would come; she was already 6 months pregnant when I had my miscarriage so I knew it would be a bit difficult when the baby was born
I'm annoyed with my DH because I found out through him - my friend's DH told him and he called me sounding really happy, blurting out all the details and then sent me a photo of the baby. He was completely oblivious to the fact I might not be overjoyed by the news.
When will I feel like I can be a proper friend and congratulate her like I should be? I hope it's just a temporary thing. I've had a bit of a rubbish day at work as well so feeling drained

retirednow Fri 01-Dec-17 18:55:30

I expect deep down you are feeling very happy for her, she is your friend after all. You are still grieving for the loss of your own baby and in time you will want to see her and her family. Your DH may have been rather insensitive but some people are. Hugs.

Easyonthetonic Fri 01-Dec-17 19:10:12

Of course you will feel like this, give yourself a break, you are not a bad friend.

I doubt your DH has connected the birth and your miscarriage in the same way as you.

MollyHuaCha Fri 01-Dec-17 19:16:14

So sorry about the child you miscarried. How sad you must feel. It's normal for you to feel really upset at your friend's birth.

I would suggest you do a little acting - could you maybe pretend that you are happy for your friend?

Hopefully you will have another child of your own, and then you will be pleased you have kept this friendship going.

So perhaps send her a card and small gift for the baby (or just flowers for her if that's easier). It would mean a lot to her and you will feel good for doing the right thing.

SilverBirchTree Fri 01-Dec-17 19:18:54

Oh you poor thing flowers

Give yourself a break, don't worry about congratulating her right away. Take care of yourself first of all.

Your friend will understand.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha Fri 01-Dec-17 19:21:56

Totally normal to feel like this, in fact it would be odd if you could feel happy for her without feeling sad for yourself.

You will manage to plaster a smile on and fake some joy when you congratulate her, but don't beat yourself up for feeling shit and having a cry afterwards.

Bombardier25966 Fri 01-Dec-17 19:23:03

You're grieving. It's perfectly natural (and reasonable) to be upset in this situation. Be kind to yourself.

Yogagirl123 Fri 01-Dec-17 19:28:14

So sorry for your loss, OP, still very early days. Of course, you won’t feel like jumping for joy. Take care of yourself.

MikeUniformMike Fri 01-Dec-17 19:29:23

Oh you poor thing. Miscarriage is awful and YANBU.

Caroelle Fri 01-Dec-17 19:30:13

I’m so sorry Welshsoph, I’ve been in your shoes three times and in the week when my baby was due my sister and a close friend announced their pregnancies. The whole world was full of pregnant women. I just had a bloody long cry, slapped on the fake smile and congratulated them. It’s really tough, but it will be your turn next. I will never forget the three that I lost, but have two wonderful if annoying teenagers now.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy Fri 01-Dec-17 19:31:28

Take tonight and allow yourself to feel upset, angry, jealous, bitter, sad. All the feelings that we're expected to keep inside and put a smile on top of. Let them out, do whatever you want to relax or distract yourself.

People worry about how they should feel, when feelings are illogical. So take it from me, you're allowed to feel the way that you do. It's ok to feel this way, it's ok to be angry at DH because he didn't realise.

Process it. It's your grief for what you've lost, and you're literally going to look at it when you see her.
I'll bet you're a nice person so you'll manage a smile and a congratulations in a day of 2. Just not today and that's ok thanks

Friendofsadgirl Fri 01-Dec-17 19:36:21

You poor thing flowers
My SIL and I were both pregnant and had the same due date. She miscarried early on.
I had our DD 3 weeks before she was due and poor SIL must have been so upset. She didn't phone but sent a card and a beautiful personalised gift for DD. I didn't expect to hear from her as I knew she would be in bits.
She didn't meet DD until she was 6 months old that was totally fine with me. She's a really great auntie now. She just had to come to it in her own time. So do you.

echt Fri 01-Dec-17 19:45:23

You're not a bad friend and are entitled to feel how you will. It's what you do, how you behave that matters. This is where you get your big girl pants on and congratulate your friend.

peanut2017 Fri 01-Dec-17 19:49:06

This is perfectly natural. I lost two babies and found it hard for a while to see my niece. Wasn't anything personal against my brother and wife but just found it really hard.

Also three girls I work were pregnant around the same time as my pregnancies and I couldn't be around them especially in the canteen and everyone would be talking about the babies.

Be kind to yourself. You have been through a horrible time and it's normal how you are feeling. Give yourself some time

GuntyMcGee Fri 01-Dec-17 19:50:06

OP I'm so sorry for your loss and totally understand where you're coming from.

A very very close relative of mine gave birth just a week after my miscarriage. I put a brave face on and even managed to get to the hospital for baby cuddles and to show my relative my support.

Then sobbed all the way home, sobbed all night and couldn't look at the baby's photo for weeks afterward. It was all part of the grief process.

All I can say is that things will feel easier to manage in time but for now, you're allowed to feel what you feel.

Have a chat with your DH about how you feel and that while you appreciated him telling you the news, for you it was bittersweet and that some tact may have made you feel less of an outsider.

user1482573375 Fri 01-Dec-17 19:52:13

You are not being unreasonable at all. I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. I had an ectopic in 2013, much longer for second child. I was absolutely devastated. My partner wasn't much help at all. I don't think some men connect with the pregnancy like the woman does. It was me that went through it physically, to him it was a medical problem that was sorted out. End of. There is a woman at my son's school who got pregnant the same time I did and now has a lovely daughter. I still feel a pang when I see her daughter. It will get easier, but the pain may always be there. But your feelings are perfectly valid, I'm sure your friend will understand.

welshsoph Fri 01-Dec-17 19:53:53

Thank you everyone for your messages. Your kindness has made me cry. I thought I would give it a couple of days before contacting my friend as I'm sure there will be lots going on around her with family etc.

Thank you Friendofsadgirl, hearing it from the other side is good and I hope my friend is as understanding.

At least not being pregnant means I can have a glass or two of wine to drown my sorrows tonight... desperately trying to find some positives here!

FuzzyOwl Fri 01-Dec-17 19:58:56

flowers Going through a miscarriage is an awful experience especially if you then have to act happy and normal about another person’s baby.

Could you send your friend a quick congratulatory text and then send a card and gift in a few days? Most people want to be left alone for the first few weeks of having a baby, so it should buy you plenty of time before you have to see her and meet the baby. If you still feel jealous, angry, or depressed then I would just tell her things are a bit sensitive at the moment following your miscarriage but you’d like to see her soon.

How you feel is totally normal and I am not surprised you are feeling drained. Do you think talking to someone might help?

superking Fri 01-Dec-17 20:04:41

I'm sorry OP, I think your feelings are completely natural and no reflection on your friendship.

If you can, I would send a congratulatory text as soon as you can. Then it's done and you can give yourself some breathing space and time to grieve.

I would worry that the longer you put it off, the more difficult it will become.

StepAwayFromGoogle Fri 01-Dec-17 20:10:05

OP, that is a perfectly normal way to feel, don't beat yourself up about it, please. Allow yourself to be sad, allow yourself to grieve. Your friend will understand. It a really horrid, horrid thing you've had to go through.

I've had three miscarriages since Sept last year and now 17 weeks with what I hope is a sticky bun. I have two very close friends who have struggled with secondary infertility for two and four years respectively. We were all hoping to be pregnant at the same time but that's not how it's worked out. I know they are struggling with me being pregnant. If they didn't want to see me and couldn't be happy for me, that would be fine. I love them to bits and I completely understand. Your friend, I'm sure, will feel the same x

Katiekiara Fri 01-Dec-17 20:21:53

I too had a miscarriage in September and in the past 6 weeks I’ve had 5 women close to me ( close friends and family) announce their pregnancies, all due around my due date. To make things worse, the night I lost my baby I was was in hospital, only to find out the next day that a co worker of mine gave birth in the same hospital that night to a baby she didn’t even know she was pregnant with. So in some Ways I can empathise with your situation. It is so hard to cope with, and sometimes you can’t help but feel sad, it’s a bitter sweet feeling. I think it’s important to remember that you’re grieving your baby, you wanted your baby, not theirs. Once you distinguish the two, it’s easier to see and be around other babies. As much as it is a painful reminder, remember your friend has the baby she wanted, not the one you wanted. You’ve been through a lot, be kind to yourself and don’t torture yourself for feeling this way. It’s natural flowers give yourself the time you need, your friend will understand that this is a bitter sweet time for you too. In time things will become easier, wish you all the best xxx

missymousey Fri 01-Dec-17 20:33:15

DHs don't get it do they? It does take longer than you expect to get through your grief, and that's okay. The fact you're even worrying about this means you sound like a lovely friend.

Send a card and a present, then give her some space for a couple of weeks if you can. When you do meet the baby you'll grin and bear it and if you need to cry all the way home then at least you know we've all been there. It does get easier with time honestly. Fingers crossed it will be your turn soon.

Effemelle Fri 01-Dec-17 20:33:54

It’s grief. Don’t beat yourself up. You need to be kind to yourself.

I had a miscarriage and in that same month my dear, dear friend called me to tell me she was pregnant after having SEVEN rounds of IVF.

Of course I congratulated her and pretended I was delighted. But when I hung up I just felt jealous and devastated and bereft. With a massive dollop of self-loathing heaped on top.

I hated myself for a long time for feeling the way I did about my friend’s longed-for pregnancy but it was really damaging.

My friend went on to have two children. Anf I did too. I have since forgiven myself. I understand now that it was a reaction to my grief.

Your feelings are totally natural.

LipstickHandbagCoffee Fri 01-Dec-17 20:40:40

So sorry about your loss,of course it’s still v raw.take care and it’s natural to feel like this

therealnigeltufnel Fri 01-Dec-17 20:42:10

aw flowers op, my colleague came round with her scan picture 3 months after my mc. I feigned interest then went to cry in the loos for a bit. I was amazed it hit me that hard tbh but I totally understand how horrible it is.

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