to want my mum to make the effort for DSIS2 at christmas(52 Posts)
A bit of background first so I don't drip feed later.
Me and my mum have always had a strained relationship. My dad worked away most of the year so it was mostly me, my mum my brother and my sister when I was a kid.
My sister (DSIS1) has autism and when we were kids I was very resentful of how much extra time my mum gave to my sister. Dsis1 could be very violent when we were kids. We shared a bedroom and she would break all our things and scream all night. My mum wouldn't let us go to any afterschool activities because she didn't want to take my DSIS1 there and we couldn't have friends over to play. Me and my mum used to argue a lot about it because I felt it was unfair.
This was particularly bad on christmas day as my sister used to try and open my presents and take all my new toys and my mum used to make me give them to DSIS1 to stop her having a meltdown.
As I became a teenager I realised that this wasn't my sisters fault and I tried harder to be understanding with her. I also got a couple of small jobs with neighbors to pay for me and my brother to go to after school clubs to keep us out the house which also helped.
Then my mum got pregnant with my youngest sister (DSIS2) and my mum and dad split up. So my brother and I looked after DSIS2 a lot while my mum mostly looked after DSIS1. We also tried to make sure DSIS2 had some special time away from DSIS1 and my mum and we made sure she had her own space.
I stayed at home while attending university mostly to look after DSIS2. In my last year I became pregnant and had my DD. So I moved out the family home with DD's dad and got a job. My mum was upset at first because she didn't want to manage the activities my brother and I enrolled my DSIS2 in and look after DSIS1. However I still spent a lot of time with DSIS2 and she slept over at ours most weekends. My mum eventually accepted that I had my own family now as well and forgave me for moving out.
Then I found out I am am pregnant again and DDs dad left me. My brother finished university himself and moved in with me and DD. We also started taking my DSIS2 more and more and she pretty much lives with us now (she stays with us every night and only visits my mums during the day for a few hours at weekends).
In the summer holidays DSIS2 admitted to me that she really wants to spend some more time with my mum. But DSIS2 hates staying there because my mum won't spend time with her and DSIS1 breaks hers stuff. So I have been trying to encourage my mum to spend more time with DSIS2. But my mum just isn't interested. I offered to pay for respite care but my mum won't take it.
So to now DSIS2 (10) really wants to spend some of christmas day with my mum. But my mum keeps saying that she will be too busy with DSIS1 to spend time with her. I said me and my brother will take DSIS1 out for a bit but she said she doesn't want to be apart from DSIS1 at christmas and it was DSIS1's christmas too and she deserved to spend it with her mum.
I pointed out that DSIS2 is also her daughter and just wants sometime with her. My mum said that I had always been jealous of DSIS1 and thats why I was pushing this and she was fed up of my selfish behavior. So I lost it a bit and pulled up everything from my childhood where my mum had disregarded my feelings and how it had spoilt my relationship with her and I didn't want the same for DSIS2.
My mum told me how awful and disgusting and said she was glad she hadn't made time for me because I am obviously a shitty person. She then started pushing me out the house saying she had raised a horrible daughter and she hated me.
My brother then sent me some pictures of things my mum had posted on facebook. Slagging me off saying I was a disablist bitch and then going on to announce my depression and mental health issues and for someone who had so many issues she can't believe how hypocritical i'm am.
So I text her telling her how sorry I am but that DSIS2 really wants to spend time with her at christmas and please could we find a way to make it happen for her. So far she hasn't replied but I just know I have completely blown it for DSIS2 now and my mum wont see her. But I really just want her to spend time with DSIS2 as it would mean the world to her.
So AIBU to want my mum to spend time with DSIS2 , or should I just accept that she is too busy with DSIS1 and stop pushing it because DSIS1 is always going to need more care and attention and maybe I am not considering that enough.
As the mother of two autistic kids myself, I have to say: your mum is a prize bitch.
Yes it's hard to balance the needs of all your kids, but that doesn't excuse you from trying.
Ever thought of getting custody of your sister?
Bet your mum is happy with the child benefit...
It's not your fault, it's your mother's horrible attitude.
I don’t know how old DS2 is but you should be reviving child benefit if she’s a dependent under your care.
Your mother’s role as a career for DS1 has blinded her to her other children’s needs. That’s very sad.
You can’t change her, you can only continue being a great big sister and surrogate mum - and take some time for yourself.
Don’t make your mum’s mistake of focusing on another person to the exclusion of yourself.
You sound like such a lovely sister, very caring and selfless, very mature, considering all that you have put up with.
Your mum doesn’t deserve you or DSIS2. Thank god your sister has you xx
Sounds like DSIS2 is better off without your mum in her life.
Well done for being such a great sister.
YANBU in wanting time for DSIS2, but in reality it may be EASIER if you accept it won't happen.
I don’t know what to suggest but I just have to say that you sound like a lovely, supportive big sister. I have experience from a mums point of view and do everything I can to ensure my other children get my time too, I accept it’s really hard but it’s so important to me. I know it doesn’t make it right but I’m glad she’s got you.
You sound fantastic. Your mum probably less so.
This sounds a dreadful situation all round. Other than the fact that you are an amazing sister, of course.
Nobody can force your mother to parent her child well unfortunately. Your little sister needs to feel wanted and loved and is getting that from you and your brother. She will undoubtedly suffer feelings of rejection- you don’t mention your/ father, where is he?
Cherish her and ensure she gets support if she needs it and frankly, I’d keep contact very low between all of you and dm. She’s not coping well. Maybe even ask SS disability team to assess the situation to ensure dsis1 is being cared for properly.
You need to apply for a child arrangement order if you don't already have one. Are SS involved?
My dad still works away most of the year however he also has a new girlfriend and live the other side of the country as well. We see him around 5 weekends a year. He pays my mum maintenance for DSIS1 and he pays her a little bit for DSIS2 but he also sends my money for DSIS2 as well.
My mum receives the child benefit for DSIS2, I imagine I would have to be DSIS2s legal guardian to be able to claim it instead of my mum.
to you and your brother. A lot of the time MN can seem full of horrible stories and, horrible as this is, I'm glad your DSIS2 has two people in her corner. It's clear you've both been more parents than DSIS2 has ever had.
Your mum is a right bitch, huh? Of course it's stressful, but she had more children. This goes way past "overwhelmed mum of disabled child" and into neglect (at best).
Is you getting custody of your sister an option? Partly because the thought of a woman who cares so little for her own daughter getting child benefit sickens me, and I think it's time to stop pretending. Your mother has shown you who she is. Listen to her.
SS aren't involved.
My mum does a great job looking after DSIS1 and she has told me its much easier now the rest of us don't live there because her and DSIS1 have a routine and she says they cope much better now.
I think you would be a much better legal guardian, OP. What would DSIS2 think of that?
This sounds like such a difficult situation and I think you and your brother have been amazing for your sister. Unfortunately I don’t think there is much else you can do to get your Mum to spend time with your sister; she’s had every chance and will have to live with the consequences of that as she gets older.
God that's hard OP but I am so impressed that you and your brother have stepped up for your little sister. She has had a childhood and that's down to you. You should be so proud.
I work with parent Carers and some of them find it v difficult to see above and beyond their disabled child. The child with disabilities often rule the roost. I'm not sure what you can do to change that, probably not much to be honest.
I think I would be v angry at your dad though as he seems to have walked away from all commitment and started a new life. In a way, he has let your sister down more IMO.
Have you thought about counselling for your little sister?
That sounds like an awful sad situation. Is it possible for your two sisters to spend time together with your Mum on Xmas day or would DS2 get no attention in that case? Just playing devil's advocate I wonder if your Mum sees it as you trying to 'get rid' of DS1 and shove her out of home on Xmas day. Also, if the routine was upset by you taking her out is your mother worried about what she would have to cope with for the rest of the day? Is that maybe why she turns down respite care?
If she's just completely pigheaded about this, it might be worth getting DS2 into some sort of counselling to help her accept the situation rather than chasing after approval she's never going to get.
I don't know what DSIS2 would think about us trying to be her legal guardian. She might be happy to have some security or she might be upset that it could mean that my mum doesn't want to be her mum anymore.
We have thought of counselling, we tried through the school but they were reluctant because she is doing really well in school and I don't think they saw a need for it. We have asked our GP but it seems to be a very long process.
Sounds like your sister has dodged a fuck off bullet by not seeing your mum. Hard to explain to her though.
OP, more than anything your sister needs to feel loved and wanted. All you can do is tell her that you love her and cherish her.
I think your dad should be paying you to maintenance and you should be the legal guardian of your sister but I appreciate you might not want to invite an almighty row - or hurt your sister.
Ultimately, you can’t change this. It is incredibly hurtful for both of you. Maybe just cry with your sister a bit about that, tell her you know it sucks, but you have each other - and your brother too. You are each other’s family.
I would push for counselling OP. There are some online charities that offer telephone counselling if the school won't step in.
Does you little sister have a caring role towards your other sister? If so, she may be able to access a young Carers group. It is helpful for her to hear that other young people have similar experiences. Carers Trust have a website for younger Carers but I don't think there is much traffic.
And I can't be as harsh as some of the posters about your mum because I deal with parent Carers all the time and it is immensely difficult. They often feel like they are the only ones who can deal with their child's needs and don't trust anyone else. On the other hand, I have also worked with young adult Carers and they also face a very difficult time too. I know some of them retreat into their bedrooms because of violence, or close down because they feel emotionally neglected.
I completely disagree with your mum airing things on Facebook though.
I hope you can get things resolved.
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