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So fed up effect Dsis has on Dparents but probably IABU

(14 Posts)
beingabanana1 Fri 01-Dec-17 15:32:31

DSis is 46 and all her adult life has lurched from one crisis to another beginning with addiction to cocaine in her lates 20s, done for drink driving twice, a period where she came out as a lesbian (which all the family completely supported), then she wasn't a lesbian, massive debts plus many more disasters.

As a family, we have always been there to pick up the pieces, rescue her from drug dens, blah, blah. It's been going on for so long nothing surprises me. What bothers me is the effect it has on my Dparents who understandably spend the majority of there time deeply worried about her. She is still living with them. She currently works (but constantly complains about how she is treated there). Her current issue is massive weight loss so she is very underweight (BMI 16 - had blood tests so no underlying cause). My Dparents think it is caused by her being stressed at work, are convinced she is eating well and are besides themselves with worry about her. If I question that she is not eating breakfast and lunch when she is at work my Dmum becomes angry with me. Most of our conversations end up about her, Dmum gives me guilt trips that I should be making more of an effort with her. The problem is deep down I feel so with her angry that she is ruining my Dparents life and have run out of patience for her a long time ago. I think it affects my relationship with them and cannot forgive her for that. We have very little in common now so I do struggle to get on with her. I don't really know how to handle my underlying irritation about her but if I cannot talk about this with my parents.

tinysparklyshoes Fri 01-Dec-17 15:35:07

If I were you I wouldn't talk to my parents about her. They have chosen to be that involved with her, they don't have to be. You certainly don't have to be, so stop feeding the dynamic and disenage.

FlakeBook Fri 01-Dec-17 15:46:13

It must be very difficult but I think YABU. Your sister sounds mentally unwell and you are lucky that you are well.

pandarific Fri 01-Dec-17 15:57:14

YANBU, it's shit. I too have the rage at a sibling who causes no end of suffering and drama for my whole family. Have also had the guilt trips from parents about 'not getting on with her', i.e. not agreeing with everything she says, because otherwise she will go nuts. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting and knowing it's unlikely to magically change, I don't think YABU to withdraw. Your health and relationships come first.

Don't talk to your mum about her as much as possible, just say you don't want to talk about her and try to involve your parents in your own life, separate to her.

I'm sorry, it's shit, and equally shit at the holidays. Are you seeing her over the Xmas period?

LoudBatPerson Fri 01-Dec-17 15:59:34

I can understand that you feel angry, as you don't want to see your parents upset and stressed, however, I don't think your sister is doing this intentionally. It really sounds like she needs help, most likely professional help beyond what your parents can provide. She sounds quite unwell.

I would personally be angry about the situation, but not angry directly at the sister.

ReturnOfTheMackYesItIs Fri 01-Dec-17 16:04:41

Their relationship with their daughter is their relationship. You can be pissed off but it shouldn't affect your relationship with them just because you think they shouldn't do what they're doing.

They're adults too. They're making choices to support her and worry about her and it's not as easy as a parent as it is for a sibling to 'run out of patience'.

beingabanana1 Fri 01-Dec-17 18:23:42

Dsis is coming for Christmas I as I've asked my mum and dad and so she comes too as she lives with them.

I totally get why they do what they do and can see it from a parents' point of view having dc of my own. Just feel sad that they should be enjoying their lives now but really they spend a massive amount of time worrying. There are sleepless nights and arguments between themselves about it. Don't really know what they could do differently but the thought that my dc could end up like dsis fills me with fear.

I know I am lucky to have my life but feel very sad about the situation too and it's hard not to resent dsis.

pandarific Fri 01-Dec-17 18:55:35

the thought that my dc could end up like dsis fills me with fear

Snap - I’m also terrified of this, though I don’t have children yet though am TTC. My sister also lives with my mum (and is abusive to her). Your children will NOT turn out like your sis. flowers

Will Christmas be okay, will her behaviour be ok around the dc?

Do you know what might cause her issues? I suspect my sister has Borderline Personality Disorder, caused by somewhat chaotic / dysfunctional upbringing.

It is really shit and I do hear you - you’re sad for the person but also it’s so hard to witness them essentially making your parents lives a misery. Worse, you’re painted as the bad guy by your parents for saying no - my mum does the same guilt tripping about ‘getting along’ with her. She recently told me ‘we’re family, we don’t dump each other’, which is a very loaded statement considering how abusive and unpredictable my sister can be - it’s like you’re being blamed or cast as selfish for not wanting to be around someone who is so chaotic.

Don’t let t get to you - just try to get through xmas and then try and build a separate relationship with your parents. flowers

beingabanana1 Fri 01-Dec-17 19:40:00

Thanks pandarific. Sounds like you know exactly what it's like and I do wonder if my dsis has borderline personality disorder too although our upbringing was not at all dysfunctional.

I do not really like my dsis around my dc. She tries to be 'cool' around them by undermining me but luckily my dc are not impressed. The weight think is not a good example either but tbh she looks so awful I think it probably makes them want to eat well.

Lizzie48 Fri 01-Dec-17 20:46:24

I understand, OP, it's similar with my DB. He has serious MH issues and hasn't held down a job in over 20 years. Our childhood was abusive, but DSis and I have made lives for ourselves and have families, which he actually resents us for. He's very difficult to be around, surly, shouts at our DDs, breaks things, and he stinks. He also drinks too much, but that's connected to his MH issues.

My DM has looked out for him all through his adult life, and he's unable to function independently at all. She's now 78 and no longer able to cope with it. She's finally agreed that that's true and has set things up for him so that his needs are taken care of.

It's understandable that you feel resentment about your DSis. You need to develop a relationship with your DM separately from her, and maybe agree not to talk about your DSis. Or just listen to her without commenting, which is what I try to do where my DB is concerned. And try and talk to her about other things, and see her separately.

thanks for you

beingabanana1 Thu 07-Dec-17 18:42:30

Just fallen out with my Dmum because she feels I should be phoning my ds to be kind to her and she feels I should be supporting them more through this current crisis. I tried to explain how I felt about the situation and ended up with Dmum putting the phone down. I just feel so furious.

Boulshired Thu 07-Dec-17 19:03:09

It is hard to know when your parents are supporting or enabling. My brother took far too much from my parents financially and emotionally. But they would never have let him suffered but now they are dead he has had to stand on his own two feet and has improved dramatically. They would be horrified if after all the heartache they were not really helping him.

pandarific Thu 07-Dec-17 19:27:18

I’m sorry op, you must feel so shit. flowers How did the conversation play out?

beingabanana1 Thu 07-Dec-17 19:58:09

She said I should be kind to dsis, I said I've been kind for 20 years but am tired of it now and she putvthe phone down on me.

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