AIBU about being annoyed re giving/receiving xmas presents

[beardymcbeardy]

So bit of background, in our family there are several siblings so it was decided that we only do presents for the nephews and nieces. Oldest Dbro has double the amount of children of everyone else, but this has never been an issue, I've always spent the same on each of his children as I do for everyone else. Dbro sent a round robin saying that things were tight this year for his family and that he wouldnt be buying any presents for any one this year. No problem with this, have been poverty stricken in the past so can understand that sometimes you hit hard times. We have already bought gifts for their children and I still intend on giving these. However, dbro has just posted on his fb something him and his dwife have just bought that is quite expensive. Its not an essential item but something quite frivolous and now my dh is pissed off at the principle of them not buying for our single child (even if it was a £1 selection box, just something for dd to open from them) whilst we have spent £20 on each of their 5 children (Prices are for context, and its never been an issue before that we spent more so please dont think this) Im struggling to disagree with dh. On the other hand its not in the spirit of xmas, giving to receive. Help me, i'm conflicted.

[ijustwannadance]

It's not the children's fault their parents are stupid enough to post show off posts on FB whilst pleading poverty.

You can either leave it and give the gifts or return them and get them something cheaper.

[beardymcbeardy]

Id still give the children their gifts, we bought throughout the year so no refunds are likely! Im having to plead with dh not to put any remark on dbros fb page about claiming poverty whilst spending big as I dont want a big fallout so close to xmas. But deep down Im agreeing with dh.

[elQuintoConyo]

Get a refund on the gifts.

If he said no gifts, then no gifts.

The children will be getting gifts off their own parents/grandparents/FC i imagine, so hardly going without.

I don't think my son would notice if Aunty X or Uncle Y didn't get him a present (although he is only 6yo).

[Tinselistacky]

Can you not comment on their post?
Glad finances are at last looking up dbro, are you wanting any ideas for our dc for Christmas or have you already got them?

[elQuintoConyo]

Just read your update.

Throw a party tea or something for the dc and give them their presents then. Don't just hand them over to your brother to add to his own pile.

[Missjaysays]

I wouldn't comment anything on the fb post, there's no point and it'll just end up with your DH looking like the petty one. I'd be tempted to just 'like' it so they are aware that you have seen it.
I would return the gifts, if you don't have the receipts you can usually get the money put back on to a gift card, or they allow you to exchange the item for something of the same value. Depends on the shop, just say you bought it last week, got home and realised you bought the wrong thing.
I'd be tempted to just buy 5 selection boxes for his 5 children and leave it at that.

[Chunkymonkey123]

I think you are right to be annoyed. If I'm reading it right you are not annoyed about buying their children gifts (so I wouldn't return them) but are annoyed that they are not buying for your child as that's not fair.
Depending on how old your child is you could buy a gift 'from' DB if you thought a lack of gift would upset them.
I would just take note for the future and not bother with presents at Christmas.

[BirthdayBeast]

I may have misunderstood or not read the OP properly so may have missed out on some crucial information but I think depending on what he is expecting depends on who is being unfair. If he is saying "we're not buying any gifts and don't expect gifts in return" then you are being unfair to have the arse about him spending money on the expensive item. However, if he is saying "we're not buying gifts but we hope everyone will still buy for our children" then he is being very unfair.

I don't think you can be annoyed about the gift situation if he isn't actually expecting gifts from you.

[RagingFemininist]

I agree that they could have given to your dc a £1 box of chocolate biscuits or the like.
I also suspect thatbtheir priorities aren’t the same than yours.

I would be tempted to propose to stop all gifts to children too tbh. Or to keep them to a max of £5 or the like so you can still give a gift to the dcs wo feeling bad about it.

[Quartz2208]

I think you follow your dbro wishes and dont give gifts

[RagingFemininist]

Brithday I th k that WHEN you give the ‘no gift’ message is important.
By this time of the year, a lot of people have already bought stuff.
People will also buy throughout the year to get good prices (and help with the cost of christmas).
Telling people a month befire that you want to do no gift is too short. It’s likely that they will already have done so.

[Violletta]

you could keep their gifts for birthdays if required, and get them something smaller for xmas?

[Nikephorus]

You could give the gifts you'd bought to a charity-type thing - one of those giving kids in need present type thingys.

[expatinscotland]

I'd return the presents or give them to a foodbank or a charity looking for gifts. See this as a reason to cut your gift-buying even more, win win!

[Neverender]

I suggested 'no gift' to DH's family. She said she had already bought them, so we aren't doing that this year.

[Assburgers]

Maybe, with 5 kids, they actually just don’t want any more ‘stuff’? Maybe they feel bad about everyone shelling out for them every year so they’re asking people not to? In any case, I wouldn’t pass on the gifts. Save them for birthdays.

[Pibplob]

I would keep hold of the presents and give them to the kids on their birthdays instead. Maybe just get them a selection box this year?

[FluffyNinja]

Your DBro is entitled to spend his money on whatever he wants to, no matter how frivolous it appears to you.
He's already said 'we're not doing presents'
YABU to dictate what he should be spending his money on.
If you're still keen to give the presents that you've already bought, then ring him and speak to him rather than moaning about him on mumsnet.
It's really not that difficult.

[RebootYourEngine]

I would either keep them for birthdays or give them to a childrens charity.

[Appuskidu]

Your brother has asked that you don't give presents which is fine. You are still going to give presents anyway-that is not fine!

[honeylulu]

I would give the gifts this year since you already have them but tell your brother that you presume there will be no further gift exchanges going forward.

We used to buy gifts for the children in our extended family (reciprocated) until someone proposed we all just stop. I was disappointed at first but it actually makes life a whole lot easier at Christmas. We now just get a bit more for our own kids - at least we can be sure about stuff they want/like.

[TheDevilMadeMeDoIt]

Your brother has asked that you don't give presents which is fine. You are still going to give presents anyway-that is not fine

I read it as the DBro said that he and his family wouldn't be giving presents. From the OP I don't see that he said he didn't want to receive any for his kids.

Which is why he's being just a touch off claiming money is too tight even to buy a selection box for the OP's one DC then splurging on something for themselves. Yes, I know it's not about the money, it's about the thought - and the DBro is sending a very clear message what he thinks.

[Floralnomad]

I would not give the presents and if you want to just make a point give them a selection box each .

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

How much was the thing he bought himself?

Personally I would still give the presents. I understand why you’re put out though.

[fourandnomore]

From a slightly different perspective could he have bought the item he is parading on Facebook using vouchers, saved up to buy it with, as in he may not have ready cash to buy gifts with but may have been able and planning to make this purchase? We bought a fridge like that once.

Either way, whether people buy for our kids or not, I still buy if I want to and would give the gifts in this case. My kids would not notice or wonder where gifts from a particular person were and the eldest is 7 so it wouldn't bother me if they didn't reciprocate.

One of our siblings has very different priorities financially to us - house full of beautiful designer items but always saying they're skint - often forgets birthdays, sometimes doesn't bother with Christmas gifts but I still buy for their kids, it's not the kids' fault and I love my nieces and nephews and quite honestly we could do without anymore stuff in our house in the nicest possible way. That's just them, it's not vindictive, they just have different priorities. I know they love us and that is what matters.