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Feel like I'm not as "maternal" as I should be.

(23 Posts)
user1464892847 Thu 30-Nov-17 20:51:56

My second son was born almost 6 months ago now and I've been back at work since he was 3 months old. (I'm self employed so no maternity leave would have gone back sooner but had another cs so waited to heal)
I don't really have to work as DP can pay bills ect but I chose to as A break from the baby.
I never miss him while working and actually enjoy the time away. I hadn't even thought about it till a friend who has a baby of a similar age was upset thinking about the end of her Maternity leave and I started to think "god what's wrong with me" I never feel guilty dropping him with his grandma, or nursery ect. And have even been thinking of upping my hours recently. Am I a awful mother!?

Jixy8731 Thu 30-Nov-17 20:59:45

Nope. I am not a baby fan either.

FittonTower Thu 30-Nov-17 21:04:37

Nope. Everyone is different. I enjoy working, I enjoy the break from the children/home/being a mum. Doesn't mean I don't love my children and I adore the time I spend with them. I think I adore the time I have with them more precisely because I go to work and have time away from "family life".
Plenty of parents love staying at home with the kids and plenty love having that time at work away from them. Plenty love somewhere in between the two. All very valid parenting styles.
I'm also fairly certain most dad's don't question their choices when it comes to working or otherwise .....

user1464892847 Thu 30-Nov-17 21:10:43

Thank god!! smile I think it's a combination of the baby stage (I like them more 2+ When there little people not blobs ) and feeling strange pressure from family, friends my partners mum who all think I should be at home with the baby. People always seem horrified when they find out I only had 12 weeks off then he went to grandparents and nursery from then on.

MrsScareface2 Thu 30-Nov-17 21:15:19

Nope nothing wrong with you at all.

I had 10m mat leave then returned 3 days (27 hours) until just before dd turned 2. I then went full time (35hr)
I love my job and the company I work for. I'm looking for the next big promotion and working towards that. When I'm at work I'm 100% focused on my work and who I am as a person. I actually see being a mum as a small part of my identity kind of like a part of a larger mosaic.
I'm very financially motivated and feel the urge to make money and provide a financially stable home for my child is more a drive to me than "maternal" pulls.

When I'm with dd (2-3 hours a day all weekend) I'm 100% focused on my mum role. I don't get bored she gets undivided attention (thanks to a cleaner and ironing lady to take those tasks away) and I actually feel like a better mum because I have so much of my own life too
And dh has never felt any less paternal since returning to work full time since dd was 4 weeks old either.

ColonelJackONeil Thu 30-Nov-17 21:15:37

As long as you mostly enjoy your time with him, and he's happy at his nursery/grandma's what's the problem? Don't let people pressure you into doing something that is wrong for you.

Madonnasmum Thu 30-Nov-17 21:18:42

Totally normal. To me, the freaks are the ones that can't tear themselves away from the little feckers. (Joke!)

Shouldnotwouldnot Thu 30-Nov-17 21:21:17

When I went back to work i felt sad for about a day then I felt fine and enjoyed it - apart from I felt guilty about feeling fine!

As long as you provide,love and care for your children you are a good parent.

pinkhorse Thu 30-Nov-17 21:22:24

I was like that when ds was a baby. He's now nearly 8 and I'm the total opposite! Just don't like babies.

VileyRose Thu 30-Nov-17 21:22:27

Everyone is different. :-)

RemainOptimistic Thu 30-Nov-17 21:23:58

Other people's guilt trips aren't your problem. Let them console one another, carry on!

AssassinatedBeauty Thu 30-Nov-17 21:25:26

There is no "should". If you are meeting your child's needs then you are maternal (or paternal) enough. How you do that is up to you.

user1464892847 Thu 30-Nov-17 21:28:44

Your all making me feel a lot better! Just have to convince my DP now. Maybe I'll show him the mumsnet thread. Ha. I think it's the baby thing too as my other son is 10 and I'm slightly obsessed with him. And he also bored me as a baby. I obviously love my baby I just find it unsatifsying sat at home in a mound of breastpads and poo. Works just more appealing at the moment.

Mamabear4180 Thu 30-Nov-17 21:35:18

Everyone is different but I'd say your feelings are less common than your friend's. Especially under 6 months old, most people actually would find that difficult.

I had a manager at my old job who put her son in nursery from 2 months old. She never stopped talking about how she got straight back to work, it gave me the impression that she felt insecure about it in reality.

I'm the opposite, I literally felt physically sick at the idea of going back to work when my eldest toddler was a year old so I stayed at home, It's horses for courses.

Madonnasmum Thu 30-Nov-17 21:38:18

My DC is 8 and I miss him far more now than I did when he was a baby, if I go away with work etc. When he was a baby I felt a work trip was like a mini break.

Strokethefurrywall Thu 30-Nov-17 21:44:48

Meh, I went back to work when both DSs were around 4 months.

I love babies, I loved my time with my babies, had amazing mat leaves with them, spent hours looking at their little faces and lying on the couch with them.
But the second I went back to work I loved it, loved being a separate person who didn't have an infant on my breast, loved being able to think about things that didn't involve my kids.
I'm very maternal and good with babies (probably less maternal now my kids are 6 and 3), but you don't have to be "maternal" to be a great mum.

LostMyMojoSomewhere Thu 30-Nov-17 21:48:02

I am not maternal at all OP. I went back Fat at 4 months. I love DS but my DM is our granny nanny and she is much better at the baby stuff than me. I love DS but I love working too and I want to provide for the little sausage.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore Thu 30-Nov-17 21:48:50

A friend of mine pointed out that she loves her husband very much but doesn't pine for him all day while she is at work and no-one expects her to... same with her kids. I found that way of looking at it really helpful!

LostMyMojoSomewhere Thu 30-Nov-17 21:48:51

Oh dear, FT (full time) not fat! (Although I was fat as well...) grin

unimagmative13 Thu 30-Nov-17 21:50:03

Nope! I like working, I skip out the door for work. I enjoy what I do and couldnt think of anything worse than being a stay at home Mum. I don't feel bad at all. We benefit financially and mentally

unimagmative13 Thu 30-Nov-17 21:52:40

Just to add I had 14 months off- if that was standard all women would be running back to work. People just find it harder earlier on but once they become mobile people quickly change their minds

GummyGoddess Thu 30-Nov-17 21:53:14

I didn't start feeling maternal until dc was about 5 or 6 months, I'd have happily gone back to work at 3. As it is I extended my maternity leave as much as possible and returned at 13 months, I want to be with him all the time and dislike being apart from him.

It's just different types of parenting, you don't have to enjoy each age, it doesn't make you a bad parent. I am friends mainly with people who parent like me so I am unfamiliar with your situation, but there are loads of parents who feel like you, it isn't wrong, just different.

Don't beat yourself up about it, as long as you're doing your best when you're with your dc then you're doing fine.

Spangles1963 Fri 01-Dec-17 19:32:14

I think that the expectation that you must be maternal simply by virtue of being a woman,is ridiculous. I am not in the slightest bit maternal,and never have been. Having said that,I've got a DD (34) who I think the world of,and a DGD (11) who I adore. I probably stopped at the one child because my very small 'maternal instinct' had been fulfilled. I hate it when other people expect me to coo over and interact with their kids when I'm out and about. I have no interest whatsoever in doing so. I have been called odd in the past for feeling this way. Now give me an animal,especially a cat or a dog or a horse,or a donkey or a guinea pig.... and you won't be able to shut me up cooing over it!

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