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WIBU? I feel so guilty!!

(140 Posts)
notsohippychick Thu 30-Nov-17 16:33:18

Ok so I think I need to be told to toughen up. But Im stewing, a lot.

To cut a long story short, the school have failed to provide adequate extra support for my son. He has ASD. He is overlooked and there is no support in place for him and falling behind.

I called a meeting with the school and as I was so angry. I prepared for the meeting really wanted to be calm, but firm.

Problem is I wasn’t calm. I was enraged. They had made a huge error about something I just couldn’t be calm about. I didn’t shout,but I feel like a horrible person. My voice was raised enough for the head teacher to intervene and come in the room.

Emotions were running high as I’m just so disappointed at the school. They did admit their failings but I can’t stop thinking about how I looked like a lunatic!!

I hate confrontation, and I know as SEN I have to get tough but I’m just not that person.

Has anyone else ever had a run in with a teacher? Did you feel bad? I can’t stop stressing! A good result, but I feel so embarrassed that I lost the plot!

BachAtTheMoon Thu 30-Nov-17 16:44:26

I have just got scarily cross on the phone to a lovely pastoral lady after yet another incident concerning my ASD Son and bullying. I know how you feel!

notsohippychick Thu 30-Nov-17 16:45:30

It’s a horrible feeling. It felt like an out of body experience. But he’s my son and he’s being let down.

I’m scared to show my face again!!

Dairymilkmuncher Thu 30-Nov-17 16:47:30

You're just human and can't be perfectly cool at all times, you feel guilty and will be more on guard next time to not lose your cool. You'll probably be even more civil to this particular teacher in the future because of this. Don't beat yourself up, congratulate yourself for a good result take the lessons learnt and move on.....

notsohippychick Thu 30-Nov-17 16:50:37

I’m normally very passive. Probably a bit of a pushover and very trusting! Lesson learnt. I’m just embarrassed the Head Teacher came into intervene because he heard raised voices.

Tuasunjoliecanard Thu 30-Nov-17 16:51:58

I wouldn't say you were but I know the guilty feeling. My mum has terminal cancer, is nearly 70, has just undergone a very invasive operation and is recovering from chemo... yet the school decided to call her to pick up my son who had D&V despite the head, his teacher and the pastoral care lady being fully aware or her condition and despite three contact numbers for me being first in his contacts list, then two numbers for DH.

Yes, my mum could have said no, but she's a stubborn old lady and won't be told she's too poorly and decided she was doing me a favour by letting me stay at work.

I may have yelled at the school just a little bit for that one. Especially when they insisted they had tried all other numbers first and had no knowledge of my mum being sick. angry

Andro Thu 30-Nov-17 16:52:46

Having managed a ds with a severe case of PTSD (with some very specific triggers that made school very challenging at times) I have been That Parent on more occasions than I care to think about. I've gone into more that 1 meeting almost shaking with rage and on one memorable occasion, I arrived with my solicitor - no raised voices but the fact that I had somewhat 'lost the plot' was clear.

I don't feel bad, I should never have been put in the position of having to advocate for my ds so robustly when the correct procedures were in place (just not used). Honestly, there are times when I think some people's ears are painted on - they certainly don't seem functional. We found the right schools after the solicitor incident and I didn't have to go in as much, plus ds has improved almost beyond recognition.

Bad language or abusive behaviours not withstanding, never feel bad for obtaining the correct result for your child.

LemonysSnicket Thu 30-Nov-17 16:53:08

I feel guilt about a lot of shit. Your intentions were good, you feel bad which means you recognise error, momma liom came out... all means youre a good person with the right motivations. Stop punishing yourself.

chickenowner Thu 30-Nov-17 16:56:27

You were very unreasonable.

No-one deserves to be shouted at.

But you already know that.

When a parent shouted at me I went home and cried. I couldn't sleep properly for a few nights, and the incident still upsets me from time to time.

You need to apologise to the teacher for raising your voice.

notsohippychick Thu 30-Nov-17 16:57:16

Read the threads. I didn’t shout.

stitchglitched Thu 30-Nov-17 16:57:38

My DS has ASD and experienced awful treatment in school (now home ed due to it). I feel guilty about lots of things, but never about defending my child and losing my rag about the shocking things he went through at school.

notsohippychick Thu 30-Nov-17 16:57:43

I raised my voice. But didn’t shout as I said in the OP

chickenowner Thu 30-Nov-17 16:58:25

I may have yelled at the school just a little bit for that one. Especially when they insisted they had tried all other numbers first

Maybe they had tried all the other numbers!

You should NEVER shout at anyone at work. How incredibly nasty of you.

chickenowner Thu 30-Nov-17 16:59:02

I raised my voice. But didn’t shout

What's the difference?

chickenowner Thu 30-Nov-17 16:59:51

and thank you but I did read the thread.

I'm getting a really interesting impression of you OP.

notsohippychick Thu 30-Nov-17 17:01:13

A big difference. You know that. You are letting your experience cloud what I am saying. I was firm and raised my voice.

I wouldn’t dream of yelling at the teacher.

notsohippychick Thu 30-Nov-17 17:01:28

How so?

Finola1step Thu 30-Nov-17 17:07:06

I was a teacher for many, many years. And yes, there is absolutely no place for abusive language, shouting etc.

But, in all honestly, I completely see why you did what you did. You are incredibly frustrated and just want the best for your son. Sometimes it takes for someone to get emotional for other people to get the jolt they need to realise that something needs to be done.

I have seen far too many children with SEN fail to receive the support they need because other children in the school are seen as more in need. It is not right and it is bloody unfair.

Look after yourself tonight and over the next few days flowers

Finola1step Thu 30-Nov-17 17:08:46

Oh and chicken if you are a teacher, you know the difference between a raised voice and shouting. Surely.

honeyroar Thu 30-Nov-17 17:11:17

If you raise your voice enough for someone outside the room to come in and intervene, surely you must be shouting?

Booboobooboo84 Thu 30-Nov-17 17:12:33

When people eat passionate they either get louder or clam up completely. There is a massive difference between shouting and getting louder due to frustration. Maybe if the teacher hadn’t cocked up the frustration wouldn’t have been there

TractorTedTed Thu 30-Nov-17 17:13:25

If you feel bad, why not send an email apologising for raising your voice? You'll be able to explain yourself better then and the teacher will probably appreciate it.

notsohippychick Thu 30-Nov-17 17:13:56

Thank you Fin

I appreciate that and you are spot on.

But I would like to stress that I didn’t use, and never would use abusive language. That isn’t acceptable. Nor did I shout, I just raised it because emotions were running high. I have never gone into the school in all of the years he’s been there and complained about anything. I’m very trusting that they are putting support in place. Unfortunately things came to light over the last few days which I couldn’t ignore.

I suppose thhat is why I feel odd. I’m out of my comfort zone. I never wanted to be that parent who complained and moaned about things. It really isn’t a good feeling.

Notreallyarsed Thu 30-Nov-17 17:15:35

I have lost my shit at School before, when my son was repeatedly attacked by the same child resulting in hospital trips and stitches, and on one occasion glue. Both DS1 and the other boy are autistic, and the School tried to pin the blame on the boy attacking him when I know fine (having spoken to his distraught mother) that he is supposed to have 2 support staff beside him at all times as sometimes he lashes out and is unpredictably quick. They were prepared to blame this wee boy who had no understanding of his actions and no way of understanding the consequences of his actions rather than look at the support staff who were having a coffee in the playground rather than doing their jobs.
At that point, after DS1 had had a week off School, they’d blamed the other boy and his poor mother was in bits (I told her I knew it wasn’t his fault and that he had been failed as much as DS1) and I lost it. Shouting, the works.
Funnily enough the support staff have been on the ball since.

Notreallyarsed Thu 30-Nov-17 17:16:17

No abusive language or swearing I have to say.

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