AIBU to override DDs dad on this?

[Iamclearlyamug]

Little bit of background first. DD is almost 6, me and EXH split up just over 2 years ago. He has her regularly, pays maintenance and most of the time we co-parent effectively and get on like a house on fire (arguably far better than when we were married).

DD suffers from alopecia and has lost around 60% of her hair. For those who don't know there is very little medical intervention for alopecia - it may or may not grow back, it may or may not get worse, and if it does grow back it may or may not fall out again.

So, DD is now at an age where other kids at school are starting to stare at her, as far as we know there's no bullying or nastiness, but she is finding it a big strain and is losing confidence fast. Of course we work on this constantly telling her she's beautiful whatever and that her hair doesn't define her, but at age 5 all she understands is that her hair looks difference to everyone else's. School are supportive and wouldn't tolerate her being bullied however there's not much they can do about staring!

We are under the paediatric dermatologist at our local hospital and the hope is that eventually she will be referred for a wig, but this takes a LONG time and they like to box-tick first - we've gone through the hell of steroids etc already without any success.

A national charity has offered to help her in the meantime by providing a wig. DD is thrilled, as am I and all the family - we love her no matter what of course, but we want her to be happy and comfortable.

Now my AIBU...EXH is on board with the charity thing, however he doesn't feel that her hair is bad enough to warrant the changeover, and wants me to arrange the consultation, making and fitting of the wig - but then tell DD she can't have it! My opinion is that we should make changes BEFORE any bullying starts, he thinks she needs to toughen up and just learn to deal with it until it gets really dreadful, and then she can have the wig.

AIBU to override him on this? Sorry this is really long and I've probably still left things out, so if you need me to answer more questions then just ask!

[HotPotatoePies]

what is his objection to the wig?

[Hesburger]

That sounds really cruel.

[Toffeelatteplease]

Yes definitely do what makes you DD most happy.

[KinkyAfro]

He sounds like a dick, I can't understand why he'd let her go through the process of getting a wig and then refusing to let her have it

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Oh my dear god what is wrong with him??

[TalkinBoutWhat]

YANBU!!! Your ex is being a complete and utter arsehole.

She's a girl, and she is losing her hair. Being surrounded by girls at school with long hair (because that's pretty much what it seems to be at my DS's school, long hair is THE THING), of course she finds this hard.

A friend's DS lost his hair as he started secondary school. He had a wig the whole way through, and that's a boy. It was the only way he coped.

[Butterymuffin]

The idea of telling a 5 year old to 'toughen up' and ignore their peers' reactions is simply ridiculous. They don't have the capacity. Get her the wig.

[bibliomania]

I don't think his intentions are necessarily bad, but I also don't think he gets the deciding vote. Even though your dd is only 5, I think she should get the deciding vote in this case, because it's about how she feels most comfortable - it's fine if she tries out the wig and can't be bothered with it, and it's equally fine if she decides it makes life better. I wouldn't say that about something that requires an adult casting vote (eg. dental treatment), but this, yes.

[lurkingnotlurking]

Override

[CheapSausagesAndSpam]

Wtf?? WHY would he do that!?? Is he a right bastard in other ways OP?

[VladmirsPoutine]

I think she should get the deciding vote in this case, because it's about how she feels most comfortable - it's fine if she tries out the wig and can't be bothered with it, and it's equally fine if she decides it makes life better.

This is the long and short of it. A neat summation.

Tell him to bugger off. It's not him that's 5yo attending school and beginning to feel different and insecure.

[trevthecat]

I had alopecia as a teen. 80% hair loss on my head. Now I know I was older than your dd but it changed my life. I was me again. I became more confident and my school grades improved dramatically. I understand that your ex may feel she isn't bad enough to need it but what is going on in your daughter is head? I personally feel it would be great for her. And these charities are incredible and they work so hard. Your dd has been through so much with the steroids etc which are awful. This might be just what she needs for her bravery. Good luck and I hope you find something that works for her and you, wether that us cure or coping x

[Glumglowworm]

Yadnbu

It would be bloody cruel to let her go through all the consultations and then turn round and say actually no you’re not having a wig.

Yes, it shouldn’t matter. But it does to her and tbh most adults I know would feel the same. And she’s five! Why wouldn’t you do what you can to make her feel better about it?

[Schroedingerscatagain]

I think ultimately it needs to be led by what your dd wants not her dad and he needs to accept this

[imokit]

She's 5, life will ensure there are plenty of things you can't shield her from and will toughen her up on her own. But if getting her a wig will help her with this, then you absolutely should.
Also - how many adults with alopecia decide not to get a wig because it will toughen them up. If an adult with alopecia wants a wig, they get themselves a wig. Why should a 5 year old be any different?

[fuzzywuzzy]

Also why does he want you to take her to the fitting and consultation then you tell her she can’t have the wig?

How about you tell him he tells her she can’t have the wig and then you take her and get one anyway.


He sounds plain old nasty. What does he mean by a five year old ‘toughening up’?

[Ttbb]

Jist go and get the wig then let your DD decide whether she wants to wear it or not.

[sashh]

Your ex sounds like a prize dick.

Those wigs are not cheap to make. If it's the charity I'm thinking of I donate my hair when it is long enough, I feel quite offended that 3-4 years of hair growth would end up in a wig that was never worn.

I had some bald patches caused by psoriasis and then lost some hair when taking a med that thinned it. I was an adult and it was horrible.

[Notreallyarsed]

he thinks she needs to toughen up and just learn to deal with it until it gets really dreadful

What kind of parent takes that attitude when their child is going through something difficult and traumatic? OP, absolutely override him on this, your instincts to protect your DD and respect her wishes are completely spot on.

[Iamclearlyamug]

Thank you everyone, seems pretty unanimous so far!

He's not generally a dick with anything to do with DD, his objection to the wig purely seems to be that he doesn't warrant her hair to be bad enough.

Totally agree with the PP who said long hair is THE thing - it really is. Can't begin to explain the number of times she's asked for a different hairstyle, and then burst into tears when she's realised it shows the patches or there physically isn't enough hair left to do it.

All I'm trying to do is help her, but he makes it sound like i don't think she's beautiful as she is! Of course she is, but SHE doesn't feel beautiful and that's why I'm trying to help. Going round in circles here

[specialsubject]

it's a wig. A treatment with no side effects and possibly a very positive result.

why on earth not???

[CheapSausagesAndSpam]

Also OP, wig glues these days are excellent and she should manage to keep it on with no bother. Lace front wigs are also very natural looking...no harsh line on your forehead or anything. A fringe style will look great too.

[Braceface]

Oh poor little girl. What a thing for her to go through. I had thinning hair last year and I was very self conscious.

[Iamclearlyamug]

Sausages thanks for that - haven't yet had the consultation so the info about wig glues is so useful. I was wondering how an energetic 5 year old would manage to keep it on!

[SeaToSki]

Do you think your ex would read up a little about anxiety in kids? It can develop over years of a child worrying about being different and always comparing themselves ro others and seeeing themselves as falling short in that comparison. Once a child has developed anxiety it can be almost impossible to reverse, they just develop coping skills. It sounds like your DD would be at a greater risk to develop it than most kids, and I would suggest that it would be wise to give her options to manage her sense of self as soon as possible, that way she feels like she has control over her situation.