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Teenage DS, his mate and alcohol

(25 Posts)
Dammyjodgerer Wed 29-Nov-17 19:19:45

Long time lurker, I’m interested in opinions on the following...

My Y10 DS (just turned 15) recently had a mate stay over on a weekend night. My DS has since told me this lad was egging him on to ask me and his dad for a couple of bottles of beer. He didn’t and on the night we were none the wiser about this. However, it has got me thinking, if he had asked, what would I have done?

We’re only just beginning to navigate the teenager/alcohol debate and i do feel reasonably relaxed about it. My DS doesn’t go to many parties yet so until now it hasn’t been an issue. I’ve been happy to let him have the odd beer/glass of fizz if it’s a special occasion in a family environment but to be honest he’s not that bothered. I think the idea rather than the reality is more appealing to him at the moment.

I guess my feeling is that it’s MY decision to give MY DS a beer but it would be a bit out of order to make that decision for someone else’s child. I think if it was a year on from now i’d possibly be a bit more relaxed about it but right now they still seem quite young.

One other thing, it did worry me that my DS said his friend only wanted a beer so he could take a photo of it and put it on snapchat that he was ‘having a beer’.

Finally, I know this boy’s parents, although not very well, and know they do allow him to have a beer quite regularly (and have in fact given my son a small beer when he was staying there previously. I was a bit hmm about this especially as the boys were only just 14...for the record, i didn’t say anything.

Would love to know what other people think as I suspect this will come up at some point.

Shoxfordian Thu 30-Nov-17 08:25:33

If you're OK with your son having a beer and you know that boy's parents allow it then I think it's OK

I think you should be more cautious with other boys if you don't know how their parents would react.

An occasional drink at 15 or 16, in my opinion, stops teenagers going so crazy when they hit 18.

Caroelle Thu 30-Nov-17 10:20:37

At 15 it is legal to have a drink with a meal at a restaurant. However I would never give another teenager alcohol unless I had the agreement of their parents. My DC are 18 and 22 and were drinking at parties from about 16, I used to think that letting them have the occasional drink at home would stop them drinking elsewhere but it’s not true. The point of drinking elsewhere is that it is without parental knowledge/ consent and that is a huge part of the attraction.

knogBlinder Thu 30-Nov-17 12:16:44

I'd have sent a message to the parents and given them one.

A beer or two would do them no harm and I think that a gradual introduction from about that age is much better than saying no until they're 18.

Legally, you could give alcohol to anyone 5 and up at home or other private premises.

FlouncyDoves Thu 30-Nov-17 12:20:44

Just boys being boys. Nothing to worry about there. Your lad sound sensible, the other one sounds totally normal too. They’ve probably both forgotten about it now anyway.

Oblomov17 Thu 30-Nov-17 12:25:40

I agree and do think that at this age its exciting, and a large appeal is your parents not knowing.

Whatsoccuringlovely Thu 30-Nov-17 12:26:18

I like the taking the photo as that would go straight into snap chat bless them.

2 beers at 15 would have been ok with us.

Bambamber Thu 30-Nov-17 12:26:40

I would have a word with his parents and double check for future reference. They may be comfortable with their child having alcohol in their own home, but not so much elsewhere.

Uptheduffy Thu 30-Nov-17 12:28:58

Why on earth do they need beer at 15, round your house? What's wrong with a pizza? I would not get drawn into this alcohol-is-needed-to-have-fun nonsense, and I think you should be sending your ds a different message.

PrincessoftheSea Thu 30-Nov-17 12:31:25

I wouldn't and I would be unhappy with anyone giving my under 18 teens alcohol.

knogBlinder Thu 30-Nov-17 12:33:31

@PrincessoftheSea

Why?

uptheduffy Thu 30-Nov-17 13:00:11

It is strange how it is illegal to buy alcohol for under 18s yet legal to provide them with alcohol in your own home. I think it is incredibly risky for you to do this with someone else's children though - if anything happened to them I suspect the parents would "forget" they'd said it was ok and come after you. Most 15 year olds don't drink.

PrincessoftheSea Thu 30-Nov-17 14:31:54

Knog, because I don't want my under 18s to drink alcohol especially not at 15.

PyrexDishes Thu 30-Nov-17 14:37:46

Same as Princess here. They do not need to “introduced” to alcohol at 15. Any friend asking for alcohol would be told straightaway to go home and drink if they want to.

knogBlinder Thu 30-Nov-17 14:39:10

That isn't an arguement, that's stating the premise again.

Why don't you want your under 18s to drink alcohol?

PrincessoftheSea Thu 30-Nov-17 15:00:23

Knog, I personally think its really strange to ask why parents of 15 year olds why they don't want them to drink alcohol. Can you really not think of any good reasons why 15 year olds should not be enabled by their parents to drink?hmm

PyrexDishes Thu 30-Nov-17 15:09:03

You didn’t ask for an argument. You asked what did other people think about your particular situation. I said I don’t believe 15 yr olds need to be introduced to alcohol.

Drinking just isn’t a thing in the family and extended family on both sides. No one drinks except with a meal. I don’t mind dc having a drink when they are of age. We don’t make a big deal out of it, it’s just not something touted as a coming of age thing to look forward to.

knogBlinder Thu 30-Nov-17 16:25:14

@Princess

No, I can't think of any good reasons why 15 year olds should not be enabled to drink sensibly at home when their parents are there and learn to enjoy the effects and tastes in a controlled environment.

@Pyrex

I asked "why" (and I'm not the OP). The 6 and 7 year olds I taught last week know what the difference is between a statement of position and an answer to "why?".

Alcohol is something to enjoy or look forward to for many people. I think gentle introductions are important. Otherwise, you don't drink for 18 years and then have free-range to drink what you want (possibly because you don't understand delayed and cumulative effects of the drug) and risk your health.

I think you're making a big deal out of it with your arbitrary age restrictions.

BlackPeppercorn Thu 30-Nov-17 16:33:07

I recently held a 16th party for dd and provided some cider and some of those small bier blonde lagers (or whatever they're called). I must be surrounded by rather genteel teenagers, since only 4 little bottles of beer were taken and no cider.
Around midnight I ventured in and asked if anyone wanted a cup of tea. If only so many hands went up during their maths lessons....

pallisers Thu 30-Nov-17 16:35:19

I also wouldn't give my 15 year old alcohol and wouldn't give another 15 year old a beer either (and would not be impressed with another parent doing it).

I don't want my teens drinking under age. I don't want them seeing alcohol as something that makes an event better. I don't want their developing brains affected by alcohol.

Also, most of the statements about "gentle introductions" are not correct. They present it as if giving a child a drink in the home means they will never get pissed in a field on a naggin of vodka. Not true - both events are possible and the many posters who will tell me that their uni friends who didn't drink at all in their teens all ended up in the A&E with alcohol poisoning while the ones drinking babychams at 11 lived like nuns because they "understood the delayed and cumulative effects of the drug" don't convince me.

Research shows the earlier you begin to drink alcohol, the more likely you are to have a problem with it later.

Whatever people want to do with their own kids is fine by me. I find it very amusing though when people act like you are being a bad parent by NOT giving a 15 year old alcohol. bizarre.

PrincessoftheSea Thu 30-Nov-17 16:35:50

Knog, you know yourself you are not just asking why, you want a discussion and I think it is pointless. I don't subscribe to the idea that unless you are introduced to alcohol at 15 at home, you will be downing vodka and spiral out of control on your 18th birthday. I am really happy for your children to drink, but not for mine. I know many parents who feel the same as me and other parents should respect this and ask before serving under 18s alcohol. No need to know why really. Personally I know many adults who never drink and I am ok with this and don't ask why.

pallisers Thu 30-Nov-17 16:36:08

when I say wouldn't be impressed with another parent doing it I mean giving it to my kid - what they do with their own is their own business.

Beerwench Thu 30-Nov-17 17:02:22

*Caroellex

At 15 it is legal to have a drink with a meal at a restaurant.

Actually that's not correct, the law regarding children and alcohol is that it's illegal to sell to, or to someone on behalf of, anyone under 18. Unless the person is 16 or 17 (and can prove it) and eating a meal with an over 18 - the over 18 must buy the alcohol and it's limited to certain drinks and for the duration of the meal (so you can't have a 17 yo bought booze by an18 yo and buy a bowl of chips and then sit all night and get drunk IYSWIM) the amount is not set out but it's down to the discretion of the person in charge.

I am incredibly lucky that my 14 yo isn't interested. She's had a bucks fizz or a shandy at special occasions and didn't like them. If she does ask in the future I would probably offer a shandy, or a drop of wine watered down with lemonade at a special occasion. Just to remove curiosity hopefully and the temptation of bottles of cider in parks.

PyrexDishes Thu 30-Nov-17 17:02:39

The 6 and 7 year olds I taught last week know what the difference is between a statement of position and an answer to "why?".

@Knog - Did you mean to be so rude and condescending? Hardly a good position to take if you’re asking for a debate.

The long and short of it is, you believe one thing, I believe another and no amount of ‘whying’, is going to change either position. We are both committed in our opinions. What we do works perfectly well for us. smile

NaughtyRed82 Fri 01-Dec-17 08:11:43

My mom was relaxed about letting me have some booze a couple times when teenagers when going to a slumber party (them were the days grin) and she buy me some beer or bottles of hooch 😂 To take and the other girls would all bring something plus crisps and snacks and horror movies 😆 Bit we were all in the house with friends mom there so guessing the thinking was we're indoors and safe and someone keeping watch rather than all lying about staying at diff oils houses and out all night in a field/park drinking and putting ourselves at risk etc

There's was times I drank and she didn't know though! If best mates dad went out she use to raid his drinks cupboard and we'd be trying shots of diff spirits 😯 and things like that.

My daughters 15 and I've allowed her to have some drinks when she's at a friends house but she's asked for permission beforehand and the one friends dad wanted to personally speak to me first to check that my daughter had permission and then said that once they've had a drink they wouldn't be leaving the house and wouldn't if let her drink if didn't have my permission etc
I'd rather know when she was drinking and where than her sneaking and lying and it's only been on couple of occasions.
She's got some ready mixed cans of drinks in my kitchen like the Malibu and coke, archers and lemonade etc as was due to go to party awhile back and she asked me if could take some drinks so I got her them and thought they'd be better cuz ready mixed and in a can rather than messing with bottle of spirits etc she didn't end up drinking them but she's having sleep over with a friend tomorrow night and has asked if she can take them, so told her she can. Everyone's different, some people will say no not till 18 and other people are more relaxed about it, I chose to be more relaxed about it. Each to their own!

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