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Mum's immigrating and leaving me with the bills!! Help!

(189 Posts)
Roundtumble Tue 28-Nov-17 21:48:22

So basically my mum's remarried & plans to move to her husband's country late next year. She says she will spend half a year in each country and so will be home for 6 months of the year BUT she wants to hand over all finances to me & put them in my name too.
This includes the rent (we live in a council house) utility bills & council tax. My teenage brother still lives at home & so I will be taking care of him also. He is a legal adult age working on his future and only recently started part time work that doesn't pay a huge amount.

I already help my mum out a lot at home (once we hit 18 we had to pay our way) paying just under half the rent & help with the utility bills and food shop. I don't begrudge it, except not having any say on how much I can afford to give every month and feeling like I had to sacrfice uni to help out at home.
She has been a great single mother to 5 children and did her utmost best to provide for us all and so now believes it's her turn to live her life and follow her dreams.
I understand all of that & want her to live the rest of her life being happy but it seems like since she has set her mind to it she has put everything else to the side including her role as a mother.
I've asked her how she expects me to pay for everything & look after my brother too. Her response was 'well I have to which she doesn't because I help out a huge deal. She says the house will be mine and so I have to foot the bills though she'll be here for 6 months of the year. When I said she'd have to help when she was here she said it'd no longer be her house, she'd just be here on holiday.

I don't know what do to or think or feel anymore. I'm pretty stressed at the moment and currently searching frantically to find a better paid job because as it is now ALL of my wage would go on bills alone.
I'm still young, 24 and trying to save towards my future business. I've always been far maturer than my age- I've been cleaning and cooking since 8, I was trusted with large amounts of money to bring to the bank, paid bills and did the food shop for then 6 people and came back by cab from age 11 & up.
If my mum goes and leaves me in this predicament I may as well forget about living my life.

I've tried to talk to her about it as have my siblings but she won't have any of it and says we are ganging up on her and don't want her to be happy.

Apologies for the long message and information all over the place but do you think I'm being unreasonable? Am I being selfish? I'm really happy my mum is following her dream but what about mine? What do I do?
Thanks for your time and any advice is appreciated.

Sweetpea55 Tue 28-Nov-17 21:50:33

Has she changed the tenancy over to you with the councils consent?

SymphonyofShadows Tue 28-Nov-17 21:51:33

Honestly, in your position I'd move out now. Then she would have to rethink her 6 months rent-free stay here.

CheapSausagesAndSpam Tue 28-Nov-17 21:51:53

Yes...that's the question! Has she given you the tenancy?

Anasnake Tue 28-Nov-17 21:52:14

Go and talk to Citizens Advice

EdmundCleverClogs Tue 28-Nov-17 21:54:14

Don’t do it. Find a flat share that’s within your budget. Your brother is not your problem, at all. If you get into this, you won’t be free for years. She’s entitled to her dreams, but not at your literal and mental expense. She has no right to emotional blackmail you or expect you to cater to her 6 months of the year. Walk away without apology or regret it for the rest of your life.

TrojansAreSmegheads Tue 28-Nov-17 21:54:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenTulips Tue 28-Nov-17 21:54:36

Well I'd suggest moving out prior to her going!!

She can't possibly expect you to look after her house and pay the bills and then subsidies her for 6 months of the year! What income will she be living on exactly?

We have weekend guests and it costs a fortune

brummiesue Tue 28-Nov-17 21:54:53

You are 24, your brother is not your responsibility he is your mother's. Move out into a private rental - or a house share and leave her to sort out her finances.

RitaConnors Tue 28-Nov-17 21:55:57

You need to make sure you don’t get stuck paying for the upkeep of her home so she’s got somewhere to stay when she wants to spend some time in the uk.

Liara Tue 28-Nov-17 21:56:15

Start by taking a deep breath.

Then work out how you would make things work if you were on your own. Where would you live? How much could you afford to spend on food/rent/bills?

Then investigate options for finding a place that meets those criteria. Possibly you could trade your council house for a smaller one that you could live in on your own and cover the costs for?

Your brother and your mother are not your problem. You do not have to house them or cover their bills. If your brother is an adult, he will have to fend for himself, if not he remains your mother's responsibility.

It is clear that boundaries are not very firm in your family, and if you want to have a chance of a reasonable life, you need to take control of your own boundaries and enforce them. Otherwise you will spend the rest of your life catering to others.

Trust me, this is the only way to preserve these relationships in the long term, even if in the short term it will lead to some conflict.

gamerchick Tue 28-Nov-17 21:56:16

Time to move out now. It doesn’t look like you have any other option.

Noeuf Tue 28-Nov-17 21:56:39

If you live in a council house isn't the rent already a lot cheaper than private? So you might be better off staying?

GreenPurpleRed Tue 28-Nov-17 21:56:55

I would tell her same rules apply. You had to pay rent and so will she.

She is the parent, not you. And I wouldn't be giving medals or for her being a sp to 5 dc, so what? She doesn't get to hand over total responsibility and expect you to act like the parent and her the dc!

Would her dh being staying also for 6 months rent free??

FriendshipBraclet Tue 28-Nov-17 21:57:34

My first thought was move out. A flat share so she doesn't see it just as coming home. If your brother is over 18 then that is between him and her what he does.

bastardkitty Tue 28-Nov-17 21:57:44

I agree. She's basically trying to hand over her parental role and all responsibilities to you and also require you to accommodate her for free 6 months of the year. I would move out now.

Ttbb Tue 28-Nov-17 21:58:06

She sounds like a terrible mother! Could you just say no? Apply to uni. Get a student grant and move out of there.

notapizzaeater Tue 28-Nov-17 21:58:07

Totally agree, you need to charge her rent when she’s home. Could you downgrade the council house to a cheaper version ?

museumum Tue 28-Nov-17 21:58:20

Is this a house that six of you have lived in? And now there’s just you and your brother?
Surely the house is far too big? You need a 1bed if it’s just you or 2ned if sharing with your brother.
How big is the house?

gamerchick Tue 28-Nov-17 21:58:24

If you live in a council house isn't the rent already a lot cheaper than private?

What makes you think that? Depends on what part of the country you live in.

uglyflowers Tue 28-Nov-17 21:58:26

Move out. Get a house share with people your own age. Your mum is a selfish bitch and she is trying to use you as her substitute so she can run off. Fuck that.

Roundtumble Tue 28-Nov-17 21:59:09

@Sweetpea55 She hasn't done so yet but says she plans to before she leaves.

@Edmundcleverclogs. I've thought about doing that but feel guilty that I'd leave her with no home to come back to. As for my brother, I know he's my my responsibility per se but he is my younger brother and needs to know that some one is here for him.

PonderLand Tue 28-Nov-17 21:59:27

I would also move out into shared renting. She can figure out what to do about her remaining child who's still in education. It's an incredibly selfish thing to do but there isn't much you can do about it but start being selfish yourself.

Can you younger brother stay with other siblings until he has his feet on the ground?

CheapSausagesAndSpam Tue 28-Nov-17 22:00:37

Noeuf she won't be better off if she's running a house and caring for her sibling only for her Mum to come back if things go wrong and take over again.

Lackingimagination6 Tue 28-Nov-17 22:01:05

Don't give up the council tenancy!!!!!

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