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To wish I had my kids later

(26 Posts)
Purplesky2 Sun 26-Nov-17 13:24:13

I had my first dc at 28 - they are 10 and I have an 8 and 6 year old. All I ever wanted was a family. Time has gone so quick - they aren’t little and don’t need me much anymore. I am low in mood about some problems in my marriage. My future seems empty to me. I have a career but I find it a bit boring. If I had waited to have kids I would not be in this situation. I can’t have anymore kids it is just not on the cards and I feel sad about that. I just find it upsetting that all I ever wanted was a family. I have enjoyed my children and put a lot of effort into making memories but now my future seems blah as I have achieved and done what I wanted. I suppose I can’t change what has been done and I need to learn to make the most of it.

ColinCreevy Sun 26-Nov-17 13:27:22

They're still little! Especially the six year old. There's so much more time to make memories and enjoy experiences.
You sound really low, are the problems in your marriage making you feel a bit negative about everything else?
You have a lot of time to turn things around, honest!

darkestevening Sun 26-Nov-17 13:29:45

I sort of know what you mean, OP.

I think that the baby days can define and identify you but the "making memories" nonsense is just that: it's nonsense. Memories don't end at some point during primary school.

BackBoiler Sun 26-Nov-17 13:30:24

I think you have just hit a blip. I have three kids and they do kind of take over and sometimes it isnt so fun. Maybe you need to refresh something in your life.

If you had waited your kids would be someone else

Fuckoffee Sun 26-Nov-17 13:32:12

Your family are still very young! This is the part of their childhood that they will actually remember.
If there is still room in your life for more children could you look at fostering?

claraschu Sun 26-Nov-17 13:32:23

I feel a bit this way, but my kids are 22, 19, and 17, and I am ancient myself (and without a career sad).

I think you will be surprised by how much your children need you in the next 10 years, and by how interesting, fulfilling, challenging, and exciting it will be. You will also have the privilege of getting to know all their friends.

I enjoyed the thread about how to be a good parent to teens- I will go look for it for you.

PinkHeart5914 Sun 26-Nov-17 13:32:52

Your children are 6 & 8 they don’t just stop making memories you know once they aren’t babies anymore

ineedamoreadultieradult Sun 26-Nov-17 13:32:55

You had you first at 28 that means you had your last in your thirties that isn't that young. They are all still little and a fantastic age for doing things with, I have some wonderful times with my 10 and 7 year old they are fantastic company and old enough to hold some really brilliant conversations and have interesting views in the world.

GreatStar Sun 26-Nov-17 13:33:37

Your kids are 10, 8 & 6? Thats a houseful of kids you have! So many more fun times and memories to come still believe me x
It sounds though as if the work and marriage issues are contributing to your low mood and poor future outlook.
Hoping you can gain strenght & find your light again brewcakeflowers

Lloyd45 Sun 26-Nov-17 13:34:07

Can you retrain to do something else, what about a p/t OU Degree, you can get a student loan to pay for it, arrange weekends away, places you always wanted to go but never had time, try a new hobby. I make a note of all the things I want to do but can't do at the moment for whatever reason and save it for when I retire, I have a long list 😊

Purplesky2 Sun 26-Nov-17 13:34:24

Colincreevy - yes I think they are overshadowing everything. I’m trying hard to overcome them but the sadness remains. I’ve fought this feeling since August but now think AD medication is the only answer so will try that.

Olicity17 Sun 26-Nov-17 13:40:21

I had my first at 20 and now I am 35. My career is flying (stagnanted while they were young) and i am getting more and more time to myself, as they require my presence less.

I wouldnt want to be starting having kids now. I know lots of people do and its right for them. Just not for me.

inlectorecumbit Sun 26-Nov-17 13:57:14

I had my first at 23, she is now a mum and l am a proud DGran. I am so glad l had my DC's quite young as they are now independent and l have my "freedom". However my DGD's take up a lot of my time, l have young DC's around me with the benefit of being able to hand them back !!!

I wouldn't change it for the world

Glumglowworm Sun 26-Nov-17 14:06:20

The memories your children actually remember will be ones from about now. They're still very young, they still need you. Your life as a mum is not over just because you don't have pre-schoolers anymore

tinysparklyshoes Sun 26-Nov-17 14:19:33

If you'd waited to have your children you'd have different children. Is that not enough to stop you thinking such a thing?

Allthewaves Sun 26-Nov-17 14:38:04

Your family is young and utterly fab ages. They want to play board games and go to the park and days out etc.

I don't think this is about your kids as.others have said. It's about your marriage and how u r feeling. If your careers boring then make some changes. Do somehing that's going to make u happy

Purplesky2 Sun 26-Nov-17 17:45:03

I think it’s the potentional break up of the family that is killing me. I think if I had younger children this would also feel easier but I don’t know why? I’m in an odd place emotionally.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sun 26-Nov-17 17:52:00

If you had the later. It wouldn't have been them. Different sperm different egg

Coastalcommand Sun 26-Nov-17 17:57:40

I wish I'd had mine sooner. One dc at 37, now almost one, probably too late for another. Too much focus on my career, left it too late.

DeadGood Sun 26-Nov-17 18:06:35

“If you had the later. It wouldn't have been them. Different sperm different egg”

Yes... but still the OPs children. She would have loved them just as much and would never have known the children she actually does have.

I find this argument so weird and literal. And unlikely to make the OP feel better

Ttbb Sun 26-Nov-17 18:16:15

This would have happened eventually anyway. At least this way you are young enough to have the time to change some of the things you don't like about your life e.g. Make a career change/retrain/start you own business, leave your husband and meet someone else, find some other meaning in your life volunteering/take up a up a hobby/make new friends. Surely it's a case of better now than later?

tinysparklyshoes Mon 27-Nov-17 15:47:22

I find this argument so weird and literal. And unlikely to make the OP feel better

It's not at all weird. If you could somehow go back in time and not have your children then but later, you wouldn't have the children you do have. You are literally wishing your children away by wishing you had them later in life. Once you put it like that it should really make you stop wishing such a thing.

(which is stupid and pointless anyway since you did have them and there is nothing you can do about it so why would you waste any more than a second wishing you could change the past ?)

DeadGood Thu 30-Nov-17 07:38:03

“If you could somehow go back in time and not have your children then but later, you wouldn't have the children you do have. You are literally wishing your children away by wishing you had them later in life.”

You would still have children of your own. You would still love them just as much as you love your current children. You wouldn’t even know the children you currently have!

This is one of those times, I suspect, when one group will never understand the mindset of the other.

tinysparklyshoes Thu 30-Nov-17 09:52:33

Indeed, I don't think you understood my point.

snorkmaiden68 Thu 30-Nov-17 10:11:20

I had my dc very young, 19 and 25. But the time it s a real advantage to be younger as a parent is the teens. I have had to rescue both several times from missed bus/don't want to stay over at a friends anymore etc in the middle of the night. As I was only in my 30s for most of this it was fine. I m nearly 50 now and more tired after work so would struggle. Plus your teens need you so much! All those problems only mum can solve. All the late night chats in the kitchen. The endless lifts. School /friendship stuff. You are still needed very much by your kids even after the baby stage.
Maybe AD tablets would help short term just to pick you up from the greyness you are feeling flowers

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