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AIBU about this.

(33 Posts)
Shootfirstaskquestionslater Fri 24-Nov-17 18:10:02

Me and my DP have talked about getting engaged I kind of proposed to him but we have decided to put the idea on hold because we haven't been together very long and I got in to a bit of a panic I'm not in work because of depression and anxiety and I changed my mind about getting engaged because I can't work and he does he would be supporting the both of us which doesn't seem very fair to me and I worry that he will end up resenting me if he's tied to someone who can't work. I admit that my self confidence is very low and I do always think that he can do so much better than me. We have decided to get each other promise rings instead. AIBU for thinking the way I do. He thinks am being daft.

JollyGiraffe Fri 24-Nov-17 18:13:22

How long have you been together?

Has he said he wants to get married soon?

You do sound quite stressed. Have you spoken to anyone (eg. GP) about your anxiety and depression? That should be your priority for now. There is really no rush to get married. Your mental health comes first and it sounds like at the moment you are struggling.

Shootfirstaskquestionslater Fri 24-Nov-17 18:17:54

JollyGiraffe we've been together for 3 months we had no plans to get married any time soon it was just to get engaged and my family thought we could do it at Christmas and I just panicked and changed my mind about it all. I am quite stressed and I get very anxious my anxiety rules everything. I speak to my GP and I am receiving treatment but I am really struggling with everything my DP does really help me and he's very understanding about everything.

BestZebbie Fri 24-Nov-17 18:21:06

The rest of your lives is aaaaages (all being well etc).
Do it next Christmas if you want to then.

JollyGiraffe Fri 24-Nov-17 18:21:11

3 months is not long at all. He is still practically a stranger. That's great that he's understanding, it's really good to have a good support when you are feeling like you're struggling.

Why is there pressure from your parents to get engaged? I feel like there must be some sort of backstory? 3 months is much too soon to be getting engaged, especially if you are not happy and comfortable in the relationship. What's the rush?

CocoLoco87 Fri 24-Nov-17 18:23:02

Marriage is for better for worse, I'm sickness and in health etc. If he is showing he wants to stick with you now then go for it! He knows what he's getting himself into presumably? Life's too short to deny yourselves happiness together!

Maybe get engaged at Christmas (or now) but wait a bit to get married so he has longer to see the reality of him supporting you. Doesn't sound like he will change his mind though smile

CocoLoco87 Fri 24-Nov-17 18:23:22

in sickness*

WorraLiberty Fri 24-Nov-17 18:25:05

Why would he end up supporting you?

You're getting engaged, not moving in together.

InappropriateGavels Fri 24-Nov-17 18:27:31

Gotta add to the whole "what's the rush?" part. You're only three months in, there's no hurry. Get to know each other better, then consider an engagement.

Plus, doing it at Christmas might sound cute, but I got engaged shortly before Christmas to my first husband, then married a couple of days after Christmas, and it turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life. Even when he proposed I had doubts, and when he got down one one knee my first thought was "say no", but the word "yes" came out of my mouth. If you're not prepared, for whatever reason at all, then don't jump into it now, it's not worth it. You're already struggling with things that existed before you met him, so there's no need to put any extra pressure on yourself at a time of the year that's already stressful.

Best of luck with whatever you choose.

Shootfirstaskquestionslater Fri 24-Nov-17 18:27:49

bestzebbie thank you we are going to get engaged when we are ready to.

Jollygiaffe he is a great support to me so are his family but my family swing between saying I shouldn't go back to work and then trying to push me back in to the job that made me ill in the first place. I only really talk to him about things instead of my family and my parents and sister thought Christmas was a good time because that was when my parents got engaged and my sister was hoping that it would push her partner into proposing to her and my sister got carried away with wedding planning which is also frightened me off the idea. I'm happy and comfortable in my relationship even though I feel like I rely on my partner too much.

Shootfirstaskquestionslater Fri 24-Nov-17 18:36:10

CocoLoco87 thank you your right he knows exactly what he's getting in to. I will think about getting engaged I am very happy with him and we can wait as long as we want to get married he always says he will never change his mind so I think I'm safe there think I just worry too much.

inappropriateGavels I'm so sorry that happened. I think we are just going to enjoy things the way they are and see how things go and think about it when we've been together a bit longer we are in no rush. Thank you.

Shootfirstaskquestionslater Sat 25-Nov-17 05:23:39

Bump

user1471459936 Sat 25-Nov-17 06:23:47

Eh? Why are you bumping? Calm down, slow down. Wait until next Xmas if you want to get engaged at Xmas. Take the pressure off.

EverythingEverywhere1234 Sat 25-Nov-17 06:29:51

You barely know a person after just three months together, it would be incredibly ill-advised, in most cases, to get engaged after that short period of time. Besides that, for me, I think it's completely unnecessary. What's the rush? If you truly believe you'll be together forever, what's another year just to be sure and to give your relationship it's best chance?
Do you live with your family? You need to try and shut them out, or shut them down if you feel brave enough. They shouldn't be trying to control or influence you in any way at all let alone trying to make you feel like you or your boyfriend are doing a single thing wrong by not being engaged after just 3 months.

KimmySchmidt1 Sat 25-Nov-17 07:38:40

Your family sound a bit all up in your grill and anxiety inducing themselves. Can you get a bit more distance from them, tell them less of your thinking? Most anxiety is driven by family and childhood. It's good to recognise the triggers and step away from them. Your family seem to have hijacked the idea for their own purposes.

Shootfirstaskquestionslater Sat 25-Nov-17 08:02:08

We aren't sure when we are going to get engaged after all this. EverythingEverywhere1234 we do believe that we will be together for a long time and we both think it's best to wait we still need to get to know each other better. No I don't live with my family I live on my own I could write a whole new thread about my family. I will tell them to back off and leave us to it.

KimmySchmit1 your right this has taught me to just not tell them anything because it only ends in them trying to force their ideas on me my sister is the worst for it. I think they do cause some of my anxiety. Think I just need to step back and tell them as little as possible.

user1499333856 Sat 25-Nov-17 08:17:08

🙄 joke, surely ?

missiondecision Sat 25-Nov-17 08:23:28

Calm yourself down, you can’t get engaged because your family think it’s a good idea, because your sister thinks it would motivate her partner to propose to her, that is frankly ridiculous.. no wonder you are stressing. Sounds like they have talked you into it.

Shootfirstaskquestionslater Sat 25-Nov-17 08:39:14

They have talked me in to the idea and I've gone off it went my sister started trying to plan my wedding and went round telling everyone we where getting engaged at Christmas. I don't like the idea of my sister using me to force her partner into asking her to get married. missiondecision I think your right they have stressed me out with all this. I just want a quiet life.

user1499333856 no not a joke very very real unfortunately.

DancesWithOtters Sat 25-Nov-17 09:11:31

At 3 months I really don’t think this is the time to even think about getting engaged.

Shootfirstaskquestionslater Sat 25-Nov-17 09:15:58

Danceswithotters we where just talking about it and thinking about it and my family seem to of got a bit carried away with the idea.

FlouncyDoves Sat 25-Nov-17 09:16:41

So you’ll be a burden on the state instead? Get married.

glitterfarts Sat 25-Nov-17 09:23:20

Missing the point, but you're options are not never work again or go back to the job that caused the stress and anxiety.
There's a million different jobs in the world.

Crumbs1 Sat 25-Nov-17 09:25:10

The idea of getting engaged (or to be honest, calling them your partner) after 12 weeks sounds just plain silly.
You need to get your depression sorted a bit more ( and lots of people work who have depression- in fact it can be good for Depression). You should’nt be getting engaged to push your sisters boyfriend into asking. You should be getting engaged because you want to marry and be with this person forever.
You do sound very young, so no rush at all.

chocolateorangeowls Sat 25-Nov-17 09:32:33

In my opinion you’d be crazy to get engaged after 3 months! You hardly know each other and it sounds like you have other things you need to focus on/sort out first.

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