So mad im even cross about this...(29 Posts)
My parents have given my sister a sum of money to help her and her partner out of a sticky situation. They want to move but have neg equity to the sum of around 20grand, deposit will covered by parents, legal fees and stamp duty on cc. I was fine with this, their money, totally happy for them to help out.
Parents have now decided it may aswell be inheritance, you need it now, it will be yours eventually anyway etc. However, my part has been given to my sister and she will pay me back when she is in a position to. This maybe a couple of years and likely to be in monthly instalments. So technically she is now in debt to me. Financially they are not in a great position so im not holding my breath.
Im abit cross as we were in a similar situation a few years ago and had no help. We worked so hard to save to allow us to move to a slightly bigger house. Im frustrated they have been given this opportunity to buy a substantial abode. This is not helped by the fact my brother was bought his house outright by his father (different dads). I sort of feel like im always left limping behind my siblings. My sis will keep her brand new car and her tennis club membership alongside her son going to nursery when not required.
I feel hard done to that my half has been lent out, and ill have to have it in installments if at all. I also feel like it is going to cause ww3. The worst part is i feel dirty inside for being cross and jealous about money- please somebody slap me and tell me to get a grip... or share encouraging stories how this is completely normal behaviour because i think its crazy! I hate myself for being mad about this as its their money- i wish they'd never bloody mentioned this crazy arrangement! AIBU...
YANBU that is a bit of a shit thing to happen.
And a bit rude of your folks to do that.
Sounds like you may never get your share.
I think your right. I so wish i wasnt bothered... so so wish i could be a bigger/better person. It really would make such a big difference to our lives, as the property market has been very unkind to us. Ahh well... thanks for the reply x
It's OK to feel cross and upset about this, even if you can't say so in RL to your family.
Have they all looked into the legal and tax implications of proceeding as planned? It might not be as simple as they think.
And are you certain that DSis "owes" you money? I had assumed reading your OP that your parents meant that when they died and the estate was passed down to the DC, it would be split as 1/3 to you,
1/3 to DB and 1/3 minus the £££s already received for the house (assuming an even split between you, DSis and DB)
I think this is one of those situations you have to, in the end, just accept and try not to let make you bitter. YANBU to be upset about it but, ultimately, you can't change it so probably the healthiest thing is to allow yourself a little time to feel however you feel about it and then make a conscious decision to move on.
FWIW I think your folks have been more than a little short sighted unless they're very comfortably off, it's becoming more and more common for money intended for inheritance to be swallowed by care costs and they may end up wishing they'd hung onto it
YANBU and I would tell your parents if they are serious then a legal document needs to be drawn up stipulating that she pays you back or a charge put on the property. Otherwise you may never see that money.
No its olennaswimple. The released equity on their family home so there will be no money from the estate. I think they had put a sum of money to one side intended for inheritance but decided to use it for my sister. After this money there is nothing else. I prefered it when i thought there was nothing (which is what we'd been led to beleive) i was content that they had enjoyed their hard earned cash cruising round the world and sipping cocktails on beaches. This fiasco just makes me feel sad and unimportant thank you for your gentle replies- i expected to be suitably flamed for being greedy.
*should read they released equity from the family home...
You're very lucky. She got money but you got life skills. Feels shitty but you're actually better off.
YANBU, it's really unfair. Can you get it all in writing, just in case?
I think you should defo get a legal document drawn up about this loan that you have been roped into.
yep, you need a legal agreement drawn up, and include interest on the money too, as it is currently invested in your sister's house.
Hopefully when the time comes for your sister to pay you your share, she will be able to increase the mortgage or take out a loan, in order to pay you in a lump sum.
It's a mucky situation...
It's unfair for parents to behave unequally towards their children unless there has been a serious estrangement over an important issue; it just breeds resentment down the line. The fact that your brother was helped by a different dad has nothing to do with it really though; that is a separate matter and he has been lucky.
I am thinking of helping one daughter with a bit of a deposit and previously have helped the other to buy a car but, as far as inheritance goes, anything given while I'm alive will have to be taken account of when splitting my assets equally after my death so they both end up having exactly the same. Even if one was a lot better off financially than the other I would still split everything equally and it would be up to them if they wanted to accept or refuse any of it.
YANBU in the unfairness you feel but on the other side of the coin, just in my opinion, nobody should ever rely on or look with expectations to an inheritance. I have sibling in more need of an inheritance, but in more need simply because they have not bothered, have been carried, fed money by other family members for years now and take no responsibility for their own life. Tough love isn't even an option from my parents point of view - however they made their will recently and to my shock, said it was equally split because we were all equally loved and their kids and that one sibling who can't make a go of working, does not deserve it all on a platter. Confusing I know but if it that money has already been given you are caught, between looking like you are only after the money and seeking fairness. I personally would say something, so I got it off my chest, but I wouldn't go heavily into it after that, it is their money after all; BUT you are not being unreasonable.
I wonder if it's because your sister would need the money declared as a gift from your parents, otherwise the mortgage company would take it into account as being a loan. I think, not 100% on that.
I'm not surprised it stings a bit in the circumstances as it will rely on your sister honouring what has been agreed. And yes no one has the right to expect an inheritance etc but your parents are effectively saying we've lent yours to your sister, don't worry she'll pay you back.
YANBU to feel this way. It seems a possibility your dsis might never be in a position to pay you back - with a new car and unnecessary nursery fees she's hardly budgeting, is she? I'd be annoyed if my parents (who supposedly love all dc equally) in effect gave all the inheritance to my dsis. Seconding getting the legal contract drawn up. Sooner she starts paying instalments the better, though I'd put money on you never seeing it all...
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I'd be furious. But it's so awkward to talk to parents about inheritance issues so I don't envy you.
I think you need to clarify whether your parents actually intend for this money to be paid back to you, and your sister has agreed to this, or whether this arrangement is a vague hypothetical designed to disguise the fact that they've given all their money to her. If it's a serious plan you need a solictor to draw up documents to that effect.
If it's just a made-up solution you might decide to tell your parents you feel excluded, depending on whether that would help you move on and how you think they'd take it. You will of course have to accept their choice, but if talking it through with them would help you do that it might be worth the discussion.
Thanks all for your replies. I dont feel quite as bad at being so miffed about it all now. I suppose im either going to find the courage to say something or suck it up and move on x
I’d get in writing before everyone has moved on.
Contact a solicitor for advice on a contract.
Seriously. Just get it in writing.
Seems like a terribly poor timing to tell you right before Christmas. You'd have to be a saint not to feel a bit short-changed.
I would have preferred not to know in your case.
If they give her this money, and need care within 7 years, this money will be classed as part of their estate. They need legal advice.
I really hope that this never happens, but have your parents considered what will happen if you find yourself in a bad financial situation, but your sister decided she can’t/won’t help? Your relationship with your sis could be destroyed.
Could this be considered "alienation of assets" if your parents ever need care? I thought local authorities were (rightly!) getting quite aggressive with people trying to dish out inheritances so the money/ property couldn't be used to fun their old-age care. If you do discuss with a solicitor having a charge put on your sister's bigger property (which is only fair and not greedy!), check whether this would expose you to having the money clawed back for your parents' care. You may prefer to leave that (potential) demand to her: if she's beig favoured now, it's only right that she should be the one on the hook in return, not you!
I've had a similar situation - and my God it's hurtful.
I don't have any practical advice, except to distance yourself emotionally from it, because no good can come of caring too much. It's hard though, it happened to me in 2010, and I am still not okay with it. I just try to be the 'bigger' person... poo.
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