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To want my parents to sort this out? Talk to me about this situation please?

(68 Posts)
LaLaLady2 Thu 23-Nov-17 20:09:36

Having not seen my parents for a couple of weeks, (though we speak on the telephone each week, I rang to arrange to call and see them, only to be told 'Sam is here' . I backed off and said it didn't matter and the call ended. We didn't go.

Back story, Sam is my brother. Sam hasn't spoken to me for 17 years since a time just before his wedding. Sam doesn't speak to my sons (his nephews) either. Sam and his wife didn't speak to our parents for 8 years but they are now in touch. If we go to family events Sam and his wife ignore me. If I walk or stand near them and try and speak they walk away.
My parents have chosen to live near to Sam, rather than in the town where I live. My parents walk a fine line needing to keep Sam and his wife onside in case he cuts them off again. Last week was that fine line, I couldn't visit because Sam was there.

Last year I was travelling as usual with my sons to my parents who at the time lived abroad. My brother booked his holiday in the middle of what was normally my holiday with them. I couldn't move my holidays as my boys had a holiday booked with their dad. My dad was very cross and told me I was selfish. I offered to still go and pay to stay near them but that wasn't acceptable I booked a holiday elsewhere with my sons.

Last school holiday my parents had planned to visit us fir the day. The day arrived, no word. I rang to let them know I was popping out for half an hour but would be back before they arrived. They weren't actually visiting me, Sam had called and invited them elsewhere. My mum pretended they hadn't made any arrangements with me. she tried to rearrange but we had other plans. My dad sent a rather rude and stroppy email telling me that he was fed up with me putting my partners family first???

Too much time has gone by for my brother to ever talk to me or my sons but I do think the situation is incredibly stupid.

I just wanted your thoughts. Is this acceptable? Am I being unreasonable to accept it?

Why don’t you talk to Sam? Why are they letting Sam rule the roost or allowing him to walk all over them?
I think you need to tell your parents that they have 2 kids and they need to treat you both equally as you will no longer be playing second fiddle. If they drop you again them just don’t bother with them/make arrangements etc unless they fit in with you

Plainlycrackers Thu 23-Nov-17 20:16:17

What? Why does Sam not have anything to do with you...?

Tinselistacky Thu 23-Nov-17 20:17:19

If it was me I would just stop bothering with any of them. Your dc will soon realise they are second rate and that's awful. And bloody awful for you too.
Save your cash and effort for your own life and family.

Allthebestnamesareused Thu 23-Nov-17 20:17:32

Explain to your parents that pandering to Sam's every wish and whim will lead to you going NC with them and then instead of Sam being NC with them you will be. Their choice?

Plainlycrackers Thu 23-Nov-17 20:18:19

Unless there is a whole huge back story where you did something truly hideous and unforgivable to Sam, you are being treated shabbily by your family...

Soubriquet Thu 23-Nov-17 20:19:02

What happened between you and your brother?

I can kinda relate. Haven't spoken to my sister in months.

LavenderDoll Thu 23-Nov-17 20:20:35

What happened to cause the rift with you and Sam
From what you have said I would walk away from the lot of them

Stompythedinosaur Thu 23-Nov-17 20:20:53

Honestly I think your parents are making their choice, unfair as it is. It will probably their faces in the end.

In your situation I would stop putting in the effort. You could write a letter expressing how their actions seem to be prioritising your brother, but I doubt it will change anything tbh.

Sorry, families can be shit.

Stompythedinosaur Thu 23-Nov-17 20:21:43

*probably blow up in their faces

abbsisspartacus Thu 23-Nov-17 20:23:13

I ended up virtually nc with my entire family because I don't get along with my mom's boyfriend and I argued with my mom and sister we have all just got back in touch and the first thing dm wants to do is get him involved again knowing my son's father won't allow it cutting my kids out again

Maplestaple Thu 23-Nov-17 20:26:22

It doesn't matter why you don't talk to your brother. Your parents are the selfish ones. I wouldn't contact them again.

RubaDubMum89 Thu 23-Nov-17 20:28:15

I also think it may be relevant to know what happened with Sam.

If it's not something truly awful I'd suggest one of two things:

1) bite the bullet, call or go to see Sam and see if you can't sort all this foolishness out for the sake of your familys.

2) Don't bother getting back in touch with your parents, wait for them to contact you or arrange plans with you. If they do the latter, then cancel due to Sam, explain how you feel and go NC.

toolonglurking Thu 23-Nov-17 20:28:27

That's a pretty shocking state of affairs OP, I agree with PP that you might be best to withdraw from your family. Not necessarily forever, but for a while, give them a chance to miss you. Hopefully they will realise the situation is ridiculous.
I say that assuming there isn't some massive drip feed about some awful reason why Sam cut you off!

theEagleIsLost Thu 23-Nov-17 20:30:14

I'd go LC - let them ring you and make no plans and be vauge when they mention any as they don't seem to be keeping one they are making just leading to disappointment.

See if anything changes with them in the future.

5foot5 Thu 23-Nov-17 20:31:44

My dad sent a rather rude and stroppy email telling me that he was fed up with me putting my partners family first???

Err - isn't that exactly what your DPs are doing to you? Putting Sam and his family first?

LifeLaundry Thu 23-Nov-17 20:35:26

We have had a similar thing where my brother lost contact with my parents for quite a few years (because he wanted his share of his future inheritence, when mum and dad were only in their 50s). Since hes back in touch (because he wanted something) they will bend over backwards for him. Hes still not talking to me, and I still think hes a twat.

Schlimbesserung Thu 23-Nov-17 20:41:18

I can sympathise, but sadly I can't offer much hope.
My sister and I haven't spoken in years. She did something really unforgiveable to me and I really don't trust her to be near my children. My parents have used this as an excuse for excluding me from any kind of family activity. I am simply not invited and usually not even told about events. It is perfectly clear that they side with her, despite her being thoroughly unpleasant to them as well as to me.
If I confronted them about it, they would feel like I was attacking them and probably get defensive and possibly hysterical (my mother has definite form for this). What they wouldn't do is change. They might feel obliged to paint me as even more of a villain and cut me off completely (not a great loss, to be fair). But my sister, who has never done a single nice thing for me in her entire life, would once again be the victim.
It is what it is. If you can't deal with it, then stay away. That sounds harsh, but you will tie yourself in knots trying to make some sort of happy ending. Your parents are getting something out of this since and whatever it is, you can't change it.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes Thu 23-Nov-17 20:44:24

The reason Sam is nc with you and your family must be relevant here OP.

But otherwise, your DP are being unreasonable in this, obviously, although are probably desperate to keep the 'peace' so to speak, and it's easier to let you down than Sam.

billybagpuss Thu 23-Nov-17 20:47:48

The events you've mentioned are pretty unfair but they seem to be over a long period of time, how often do you see/speak to them usually and are things usually awkward, or is it usually ok?

If its always a bit off I would wait a while before getting in touch again, not necessarily NC but give them time to get in touch with us (I'm not convinced my parents are aware you can dial out on a phone as well as receiving calls) if they mention your iciness towards them maybe point out how you feel that they prioritise Sam over your family.

frumpety Thu 23-Nov-17 20:47:53

So what crime did you commit just before your brothers wedding ?

DancingHouse Thu 23-Nov-17 20:49:23

Why do your parents have to sort this out? Presumably you and your brother are adults. Sort it out yourselves.

Mamabear4180 Thu 23-Nov-17 20:52:18

There must be so many other issues here we don't know about.

On the surface of it YANBU but I have no idea how this odd situation came about?

Gemini69 Thu 23-Nov-17 20:59:26

I don't care about the back ground information OP... your Parents are just HIDEOUS......

that is all flowers

SomeBananasAreStillGreen Thu 23-Nov-17 20:59:39

My sister hasn't spoken to me in 9 years. In the early days, I cried so much about it, and couldn't understand what I had done wrong. I went to counselling at church, and after much soul searching, those highly trained and professional counsellors told me the problem was with my sister, not me. I still don't fully believe that, but I take comfort from the fact that they said it.

My sister tells crazy lies about me to the rest of the family. I don't know she has done this until they mention things in casual conversation. It's weird stuff, that they think she would have no reason for making up. If she is angry with someone, and feels like telling them a few home truths, she says that I have expressed these opinions, but that she disagreed with me. ..

She is killingly nice to me at family gatherings, but blanks me on the street when there are no witnesses. It hurts, and I have stopped going to those gatherings because I can't explain her bizarre behaviour to my children as they get older.

What I am trying to say is that many of us have a "Sam" in our family. It hurts, and it's hard to know what to do. I don't know if I've handled it right, but I do know that my children have friends and a community that are important to them, even if their family is not ideal.

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