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To expect DH to do more now I'm working?

(46 Posts)
beingabanana1 Thu 23-Nov-17 16:25:39

I've been a SAHM to DC age 7 and 5 until recently when I managed to find a job fairly locally with hors that fit in with DC (9am -2:30pm). I do this Mon to Fri. I drop off DC before work and am finished in time to pick them up. Before this I expected to do all housework and DH came home to a meal, everything done etc. I was completely happy with this and in fairness so was he and he didn't particularly want me to get a job - no pressure at all from him. Now I am working I still do Everything I did before house and DC wise as well. I feel pretty frazzled. When I mention this to DH he either says I don't have to work (is reduce my hours which is not an option), or some comment about now I know how he feels. I'm starting to feel pretty irritated with him but don't want to become one of those couples who competes with who does the most. He starts work at 8 until 5.

Sausagerollers Thu 23-Nov-17 16:28:57

Do you get a lunch break or do you work through?

Have you sat down with him and divided up a list of tasks? He may like the way that it was, but times have changed and he needs to change as well. Tell him what you want him to do going forward and stick to that.

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 23-Nov-17 16:29:04

PT can be the best of both worlds or the worse, depending on the job and your partner.

I think you probably do need to look at how much time both of you get child- and work-free. And hire a cleaner!

beingabanana1 Thu 23-Nov-17 16:30:47

No lunch break - just straight through.

GreenTulips Thu 23-Nov-17 16:33:27

says I don't have to work

He's dismissing something that is important to you - tell him you DO HAVE to work so you have your own career and money

Then tell him you staying at home enabled him to work and advance HIS career and now you need the same support

Then list the jobs

Daily - cooking washing up baths ready for next day
Weekly bins shopping bathrooms etc
Monthly could be going to the tip clearing out X rooms garden clearing etc

Then say - what would you prefer to take on?

grannytomine Thu 23-Nov-17 16:35:29

I would definitely get some help, cleaner would be good but my lifesaver was having someone to do the ironing, someone doing both would be great. Now I'm retired I still have someone to do the garden.

MartysHere Thu 23-Nov-17 16:36:49

Of course he needs to pull his weight now.

whatsthecomingoverthehill Thu 23-Nov-17 16:36:55

He had it made didn't he. And he's objecting now that his easy life is being threatened. Of course you are not being unreasonable to expect that he takes some responsibility for domestic work.

Sausagerollers Thu 23-Nov-17 16:37:00

In hours then your PT job + commute + school run is probably very similar to his (FT job + commute) minus lunch break.

Don't let him write your job off so easily. You're working very similar hours, so the work you do in the home should also be very similar.

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin Thu 23-Nov-17 16:39:08

How many hours does your DH work, 9-5 ? with a commute?

You're doing 5.5 hours a day. In gods name, how the hell does it take longer than 2.5 hours to run a house?

Im sorry but, until equal working (& commuting) hours are achieved, the person doing the lesser hours picks up the slack.

I simply wouldnt tolerate coming in after 8 or more hours with a commute, to find my partner on the sofa, flicking through Take-A-Break, glass of wine in hand announcing "your turn to cook and bath the babes"

Hotpinkangel19 Thu 23-Nov-17 16:47:12

I work 9-3 every day, have 3 children and am 8 months pregnant, my day consists of school run-work-school run-home-cleaning/cooking/washing/bathing etc. My husband works long hours so I see this as being equal.

MessyBun247 Thu 23-Nov-17 16:47:50

Sloe hmm

MartysHere Thu 23-Nov-17 16:59:21

Sloe - thats ridiculous. OP just means he contributes a bit. Not equal to her.

AdoraBell Thu 23-Nov-17 17:01:50

Completely agree with GreenTulips

flumpybear Thu 23-Nov-17 17:06:08

No it should be shared - I suspect you get home first so get dinner sorted out and everything else should be shared

Get a cleaner if you can afford it so there’s a good clean every week then everything else is top up or sorting washing and general family things

KimmySchmidt1 Thu 23-Nov-17 17:10:29

I am not the right person to ask because I am very insistent my husband takes responsibility for his children, and I would never dream of doing housework. We have a cleaner and we share the meals depending on who feels like it or else we sort ourselves out.

My own view is that most men are shockingly lazy and delinquent when it comes to taking responsibility for their own children, and that this has a particularly negative effect on boys.

Quartz2208 Thu 23-Nov-17 17:11:33

Sloe surely the fairest way by your logic is to divide it based on hours. I do 3 days my partner does 5 I do 65% he does 35% its a fair way of dividing up.

100% of the children, 100% of the housework and working 50% of what he does is not fair

Tell him he does not have a clue what you do and maybe if he did he would realise you do a lot more than him

MartysHere Thu 23-Nov-17 17:22:36

Well said Quartz

RedSkyAtNight Thu 23-Nov-17 17:26:58

If he works 8-5, I'll assume 30 minutes commute so he's out of the house from 7.30-5.30 ish?

He leaves too early to be much help in the morning, and tbh you don't have pre-schoolers, presumably your DC get themselves ready and there isn't that much to do in the morning?

You must be home not long after 3 so plenty of time to cook dinner and put a load of washing on. Other than helping with bedtime and perhaps things like listening to read, I'd not really expect DH to do too much? Weekends, I agree you should divide jobs.

I'm thinking that you've had 2 years of both DC being at pre-school/school so have got used to more time to yourself - hence DH's comment.

Appuskidu Thu 23-Nov-17 17:27:16

What hours is he out of the house-is it 8-5 or are those his working hours and he’s eg out 7-6?

I’m out of the house 7.30-5.30/6. DH is out of the house 7-7-I pick up more of the cooking/tidying etc as I’m there more.

What would you like him to do in an ideal world?

YellowMakesMeSmile Thu 23-Nov-17 17:34:27

Agree with Sloe, you are working far less so the bulk of the housework should fall to you. Looking after the chidren is just what parents do and as they are School age no reason they can't amuse themselves whilst you do things round the house.

ReanimatedSGB Thu 23-Nov-17 17:35:25

He needs to do his share. That isn't a matter of him spending the same number of hours on childcare and domestic work as you do - it's about him doing enough of the domestic work for both you and him to have the same amount of child-free, chore-free time.
Far too many men use the excuse that either they work for wages and their female partner doesn't, or she does fewer waged hours for less money, and therefore they are entitled to be waited on and never have to so much as carry a plate through to the kitchen. You are not his servant, or his inferior, but his partner.

MinniesAndMickeysNeedCounting Thu 23-Nov-17 17:35:42

I'm going to be going back to work pt in the new year after being a sahm for years.

Dh job is changing and he'll be working full time hours over 4 days and having to stay away, I'm going to work 2 days.

We've already had a chat about splitting chores, he's going to be working just over double what I will, so we've agreed to split chores like quartz suggested. Basically he'll do the daily stuff like washing, vacuuming, pots, feed the children and toilets on the days he's home. I'll do the daily stuff and do the bigger jobs while he's away.

zeezeek Thu 23-Nov-17 17:40:27

I can’t be doing with this view that the one who stays at home enables the other persons career. It’s totally shit and most of the people I know who spout this nonsense made the decision to stay at home because it gave them the easier life.

You chose to work part time because it suits you. If you worked full time then you’d have a valid argument and he would have to do his share. But you work less hours so should do more in the house. And yes, I understand where he’s coming from with his now you know what it feels like comments. I know lots of main breadwinners, both sexes, who are feeling massively under pressure to keep bringing the money in so their partner can have their easy life.

ProseccoMamam Thu 23-Nov-17 17:44:16

So your own laundry, your own food and sort the kids out. Leave him to sort himself out, until he offers to help with the housework and childcare. You BOTH live in the same house with JOINT RESPONSIBILITY for your SHARED children, he needs to realise that.

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