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To not let it go...?

(7 Posts)
TheDayOfReckoning Thu 23-Nov-17 14:17:06

I’ve name changed here and I’m sorry but it’s a long one...

My mother was emotionally manipulative and extremely controlling growing up.
I actually stop short of saying she was abusive because I’m not certain that this was done consciously to harm but rather from a disturbed upbringing herself and her own thoughts being twisted.

I basically grew up believing I wasn’t worth the same as other people, a severe lack of self worth and such low confidence that I don’t know how I got by in general life sometimes.

Earlier this year she said some things that were very controlling and manipulative in the heat of an argument and I can’t un-hear what she said.

We haven’t really spoken since.

I had been ready to write her out of my life completely but every now and then I get a bit of a sadness about not seeing my mum.

I feel very angry still and every time I look at my life and lack of career and mental instability (I have low level depression, currently being treated) that is on a base level down to my upbringing, I just hate her all over again.

I want to move on but I feel like she should be held accountable for what’s happened but I know she won’t accept responsibility - her automatic response to any negativity is aggressively defensive.

I don’t know what to do.
I feel like this is holding me back from moving forwards.
AIBU to not just move on and if so then I don’t know how to do that. Any advice?

KatieHaslam22 Thu 23-Nov-17 14:44:32

She needs to address her issues, as you have done and receive the relevant therapeutic input.
Maybe family therapy could help too?

Easier said than done I know!

Hope you manage to sort this out flowers

Schlimbesserung Thu 23-Nov-17 15:02:24

Sometimes you just have to accept that your parent isn't going to be able to give you what you need. There is never going to be a fairytale ending here as much as I want to tell you that there could be. I beat myself up for years about a very similar issue, so I know how damaging it can be.
I think it's a total waste of time to try to make your mother see what she has done and what you need from her now. If she had it in her to see how you felt, she would probably never have behaved this way in the first place. It took me a long time to get here, but once I reached a sort of acceptance that my mother is not like me and does not have what I need from her, I found a huge sense of peace.
Now I see it as a sort of allergy- like how I love flowers and the thought of them makes me happy, but the reality of me being near them is that I get very ill and I remember why I'm supposed to stay away from them. I don't blame the flowers, it's just that they aren't good for me.

PinkHeart5914 Thu 23-Nov-17 15:08:48

Thing is your mother is how she is, she won’t change and she’s not likely to ever take responsibility for the way she treated you. Some people are just nasty arseholes and they always will be!

Maybe talking to someone would help you? Then maybe you would get to a point where you say It happened, it was horrible but it’s also in the past and I need to move forward with my life and not let this define me.

I just worry that by not moving on you are depriving yourself of a good life

💐

LadyDeLaFuente Thu 23-Nov-17 15:17:21

I could have written this about my mum. I am able to have a relationship with her because I've been in therapy for many years and have been able to forgive her for the awful childhood she gave me and the hurt she still causes me sometimes. How have I been able to move on?

1. By realising that she's always done her best. Unfortunately, her best was crap and her lack of love has affected me my whole life. But she just wasn't able to do any better!
2. By realising that when people are like that, they are probably suffering more than anyone. Saying mean things and falling out with people isn't fun and she's projecting outwards all the hurt and anger she feels inside.
3. By not letting her sharp tongue affect me (this is hard). Her mean comments say more about her than me. I mean, what type of mother gets off on hurting their child? A mentally ill one!

As Schlimbesserung said, she will not change and she will probably never accept how much she has hurt you. Going NC will always hurt (I'm NC with my dad) and there will always be a part of you wondering if they have changed, wishing they were in your life. It's like grief and can take years to come to terms with. On the other hand, having her in your life will mean that you have to change your perspective from "why is she being such a bitch and hurting me?" to "poor woman. How hurt and angry she must be inside to be so awful to her own family".

Both stances are bloody hard, I know! Good luck, OP.

scattercushion Thu 23-Nov-17 15:24:59

What I've found helps is remembering that in your heart you have an idealised view of what a mother should be and there is a constant jockeying for position between this hope and the harsh reality of what your mother is actually like. When you accept that your mother will never become that idealised mother (which is painful, as it's letting go of a childlike optimism) then it is easier to accept your own situation. A lot of the heat dissipates from it.

TheDayOfReckoning Thu 23-Nov-17 15:53:29

@LadyDeLaFuente your post really helps me a lot! I’ve never thought to look at it from that point of view. Thank-you!
And thanks to everyone else who has taken time to post a reply too!

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