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AIBU to be annoyed with manipulative PILs?

(110 Posts)
ginghamstarfish Wed 22-Nov-17 13:09:40

PILs live a 2 hour drive away (horrible dangerous drive especially in bad weather, very rural/hilly on tiny narrow roads). They are fit and active, wealthy, (eg just flew first class on longhaul hols). FIL had a minor day surgery procedure booked for this week, and would not be able to drive himself home after it, and MIL does not drive. No shortage of taxi firms in their town, they have many friends there etc, but they manipulated my DH into taking 2 days off work and acting as an unpaid taxi service. As they know full well, it took only 'oh, don't know what we'll do ...' etc for him to feel he had to offer. Yes, his decision but that's the way he is and we all know it (and shouldn't take advantage of his kind nature). I said he should tell them about Red Cross transport if they don't want to pay for taxis, as I have used for many hospital appointments when I could not drive after recent surgery. This prompted 'why do you hate my parents' etc so I can't say anything about it now without coming across as a cold-hearted evil cow. But I'm annoyed! Visiting someone who's ill, yes of course, that's a different matter entirely, but this is literally just going there as a chauffeur - 2 hours to get there the day before - they insisted he arrive for lunchtime, (and very early hospital appt next morning), 1 hour each way to hospital, back to the house to wait with MIL, 1 hour each way back to hospital to collect FIL, then he will drive 2 hours home tonight in the dark (on the 'death road' as I think of it) as he can't have another day off, and will arrive back completely knackered. I might be coming across here as unsympathetic but it's really bugged me as it seems so selfish and demanding. Perhaps I should ask them to come here and drive me to my next hospital appointment?

Ttbb Wed 22-Nov-17 13:13:49

I would be annoyed too. My husband often gets roped into doing airport collections/drop offs for his mother despite her having two other children who are single. Poor thing ends up tired, grouchy and often is forced to cancel business meetings etc just to get her because it is always decided so last minute. My father in contrast just takes the train unless someone is already goingthat way.

Clandestino Wed 22-Nov-17 13:16:45

After my FILs surgery, my husband took a week off and flew to another country to be there for him. My FIL was fully mobile by the time, just really tired and couldn't drive so he appreciated the help. It wouldn't even cross my mind to be bothered with this - it's DH's father and he loves him.
This is only two days. If there was a story about your DH being constantly at their back and call, it would be another issue but it's a short time.
And instead of criticising your DH for driving on bad roads - how about you suggest him to stay with your PILs for the time? They may be your PILs but they are his parents! I think you are massively BU.

WhatwouldAryado Wed 22-Nov-17 13:20:04

It is acceptable for adult children to care for their parents and want to support them. Are you mad because you want the same support? Or because he's exhausted by being caring?

Hillarious Wed 22-Nov-17 13:22:00

Why doesn't your DH go out for lunch with his DM whilst the procedure is taking place, rather than driving to and from their home? That would save on two hours of driving. Your DH doesn't seem bothered by this time he's spending with his parents, which makes you seem U.

Nicknacky Wed 22-Nov-17 13:24:52

Why do you say they are manipulative? They asked him for help and he was willing to do it.

It wouldn't cross my mind to be so annoyed about it and I'm so glad my husband didn't behave like this when I was looking after my mum.

Justmuddlingalong Wed 22-Nov-17 13:25:12

If your DH is happy to help and support his DParents, why are you getting so wound up about it? It does sound as though you hate your in-laws and I think your DH has every right to pull you up on it.

LemonysSnicket Wed 22-Nov-17 13:25:23

Why cant MIL go to hospital with them and them all wait there to save him the middle trips? X

MadMags Wed 22-Nov-17 13:27:21

Man helps his parents after his dad’s surgery.

Nope, seems perfectly normal to me.

Doublemint Wed 22-Nov-17 13:30:42


Splinterz Wed 22-Nov-17 13:33:03

Wow. Just wow. That you begrudge a child helping an elderly parent.

You are that DIL I hope I never get

ThisMorningWentBadly Wed 22-Nov-17 13:36:11

YABU. I think

I frequently do to my parents (3hr drive) to drive my father to hospital. My mum drives but doesn’t particularly like driving my father. I go to make their lives easier. Why wouldn’t I?

Novemberblues Wed 22-Nov-17 13:36:32

I think it may just be the moral support they want android the taxi is read herring. Any op carries risk and it imagine Mil wants her son there with her.

OstentatiousWanking Wed 22-Nov-17 13:37:02


Breadwithgarlicon Wed 22-Nov-17 13:37:33

It sounds pretty OK to me too though I would also worry about the 'death road' (probably best to find another name for it).

I don't like manipulation either - maybe try to see it as him being there for them during a difficult time. It's nice that he is.

CherryChasingDotMuncher Wed 22-Nov-17 13:40:27

Massive eye roll at people assuming the parents are elderly. They could be in their early 50s.

I agree with Ttbb, YANBU, it sounds like they’re just being tight fisted about taxis. Are they usually tight?

Katyb1310 Wed 22-Nov-17 13:43:34

Yabu. I don't see anything at all wrong with helping out parents - they put enough time into doing things for us so there comes a time when we can give a little back.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 22-Nov-17 13:44:29

It doesn't really matter what you think OP, these are his parents and if he wants to do this for them then just butt out.

If we were reading a post from a man saying that his wife wanted to do what is in your OP and he carried on like you are he would be slammed.

This isn't your business. You don't want to be supportive? Fine - let your husband deal with his parents. I'm not surprised if he thinks less of you either, I would too.

whiskyowl Wed 22-Nov-17 13:45:33

Oh God, I feel your pain.

PIL insisted I travelled down to see them three days after gynae surgery, because "It's Christmas and we'll be so disappointed if we don't see you". Like a fool I agreed, cue 5 hours in the car and being left on my own on Christmas day in a cold house with no food while they all went out. But if they have even the most minor of surgeries, the entire family has to dance attendance. It's absolutely fucking ridiculous.

I do NOT understand why the older generation cannot get a cab, but instead expect family to act as a taxi service. You pick up the phone, you speak to someone, and a car arrives. What is hard about that? It's what I've had to do over and over again.

ifyoucantstandtheheat Wed 22-Nov-17 13:46:08

How are they manipulative?

Your DH clearly wants to help and why shouldn't he?


LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 22-Nov-17 13:47:26

They're not expecting anything from the OP though, are they? She doesn't need to go, doesn't need to do anything for them. Why does OP think she can control her husband and have powers of veto over what he does and doesn't do? Urgh.

Stopyourhavering Wed 22-Nov-17 13:48:29

YABU...I'm glad you're not my dd, I hope that when I'm elderly and infirm that my dcs will not find it a burden or chore to care for me or help out if the need arises, just as I'd be happy to help if they needed help with childcare

Floellabumbags Wed 22-Nov-17 13:50:23

You really don't like your in-laws do you?

Ceto Wed 22-Nov-17 13:51:50

I think people are, as usual, wilfully failing to see the point here. Firstly, they're assuming the PILs are elderly, whereas the reality may well be that they are only in their 50s or 60s and perfectly able to sort out their own transport. Indeed, they must be if they've just been on holiday.

Also, I suspect that this time off either comes out of OP's husband's annual leave, which leaves him with less time with the family or to help with family emergencies/go to school appointments etc, or it's unpaid, in which case it impacts on their finances. It may also affect his work if he takes two days off and is very tired and of limited use on his first day back. Most parents of grown-ups that I know would be reluctant to impose or to assume that their children can take time off work easily to ferry them about when they have easy alternatives available.

Cacofonix Wed 22-Nov-17 13:52:56

Yes I think the resounding problem here is that you really don't like them.

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