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AIBU?

Partner doesn't want another child

25 replies

Missy1983 · 21/11/2017 23:24

Hi everyone.
Please be easy on me, i'm new to posting. I need some advice please as i feel like i'm going mad. So my partner and i have been together about 18 years on and off. He has a little boy (doesn't live with us) and we have a little girl together. From the very early days of our relationship i have made it very clear that i have always wanted children (more than 1) over the last year i have been trying my best to talk about having a 2nd child together. Everytime i have tried to approach the subject he's been negitive, he's got angry about me talking about it and said that i should be happy with what i have and looked for reasons why we can't. Well tonight i have again put my feelings to him about my desire to have another child. He's basically told me that he doesn't want anymore children and that if i forced it and ending up getting pregnant he would probaby leave me. It's completely changed the way i look at him and made me question whether i even want to be with him and even have another child with him. I know alot is said in anger because he struggles to express himself. But i'm left thinking my desire for another child won't go away and it is something i will always want, but how can i stay knowing the way he feels. I've even spoke about leaving after christmas. He thinks i'm being selfish because i'm not getting what i want. But how can i stay when he doesn't want the same things as me and the way he's treated me and the fact he's tried to make me feel i'm in the wrong for wanting another. I feel emotionally drained by the whole situation and it's starting to take it's toll on me. Thanks for listening

OP posts:

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Orangebird69 · 21/11/2017 23:29

Neither of you ABU. You want another child. He doesn't. There's only one solution to that. Split up and find someone that does want another child with you.

I'm in a similar position. Dh and I have one dc. I want another, he doesn't. So we're not having another. It's harsh but it really is that simple.

Rainbowandraindrops67 · 21/11/2017 23:31

Did he say what his reasons were?

Skarossinkplunger · 21/11/2017 23:37

He doesn’t have to have reasons. He doesn’t want another. Simple,

Missy1983 · 21/11/2017 23:43

We have a two bedroomed house in a good area and may have to move if we have another. Money, we can afford more now and are able to give our daughter more.

OP posts:

Linning · 21/11/2017 23:49

There is nothing wrong with wanting another child but there is also nothing wrong with not wanting one. You have a child together though and I think your DD's well-being should prevail over your wish to have another child. If the only reason you want to leave your DH is because he doesn't want a kid and you want one you may want to ask yourself if risking to only see your DD half of the week instead of full time and having to deal with everything that being a single mother involves as well as the impact the divorce may have on her is worth it. If you have more reasons to leave your DH then definitely go ahead but I wouldn't let my hormones or broodiness get the best of me and would try to weight the pros and the cons of leaving if you were.

Good luck whatever you decide!

Missy1983 · 21/11/2017 23:49

I'd never want to force him. If he doesn't want another that's something i'll have to come to terms with or walk away. It's the way he's been about it that hurts the most tbh

OP posts:

Linning · 21/11/2017 23:50

If I were you* sorry!

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/11/2017 00:23

My DH didn't want another and I did. We didn't have another.

What I would be extremely upset about is him thinking you would lie and get pregnant on purpose. That would make me rethink my whole relationship with DH.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 22/11/2017 06:57

It seems most people have gone along with partners who don't want more children. That feeling and regret will never go away. My husband wanted 1. I wanted 2 and then was hit with the urge for a third. We argued but in the end he realised that going from 2 to 3 wouldn't be a big deal. Yes we still laugh about him thinking that. Either way I have 3 amazing children and I now know I'm done. You need to really think how important baby number 2 is. I don't know if I could have stayed with someone who took away my choice so unfairly. But is it worth your dd growing up without her dad??

Only1scoop · 22/11/2017 07:01

If you’ve been together 18 years then surely it’s not unusual his ‘little boy’ from prev relationship? doesn’t live with him?

BackInTheRoom · 22/11/2017 07:06

Tbh the very fact your relationship is on and off doesn't sound this stable enough to bring another child in to the mix? How come you've been together 18 years but he has a young DS? Most strange? However I do understand every relationship is different. Might it be a case of you not getting your own way? Might it be a case of 'if he really loves me he'd have another child with me?

BackInTheRoom · 22/11/2017 07:10

IMO, if you love him you'll understand his desire not to have another child. He might think that he, in some way, isn't reliable enough to father another child? He might be very realistic and think we'll I've got two kids, we'd have to move, my partner will need help etc and he might think do you know what, it might send me over the edge, coupled with your on/off relationship?

speakout · 22/11/2017 07:10

It seems most people have gone along with partners who don't want more children.

Of course. That's how it should be.

Needadvicetoleave · 22/11/2017 07:12

You have to decide whether your desire for another baby is greater than your desire to stay with him.

It's a decision my DH had to make, we planned two children, had one and I decided that was enough, there was no way on earth I was having another child ever. DH is absolutely gutted. He has the choice to put up or get out. So he's decided to put up, but I'm aware he may decide differently in the future as I know he still hoping I'll change my mind (I won't).

BlondeB83 · 22/11/2017 07:12

Neither of you are being unreasonable but you would be unreasonable to pursue this further when he has made his feelings very clear.

If having another child is an absolute must for you then you will have to leave him.

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 22/11/2017 07:14

Married, how would he have been taking away your choice unfairly? Ultimately he changed his mind but that doesn’t mean he was being unfair to you before that.

LoniceraJaponica · 22/11/2017 07:15

“I don't know if I could have stayed with someone who took away my choice so unfairly”

It would have taken your husband’s choice away unfairly if you had gone ahead with another without having his agreement Marriedwithchildren5

sailorcherries · 22/11/2017 07:21

Neither of you are being unreasonable. He has two children and is done, you have one and are not done. You cannot force him to want more and if it means so much to you the only option is to leave, however if that is the only reason for leaving I'd think hard.

Also if you have been together 18 years on and off either his 'little boy' isn't so little or he had a child in between while on and off with you and he is aware of how hard it can be being a separated parent.

However I do think yabu to bring it up over and over. You know his thoughts and feelings and shpuld respect that.

Appuskidu · 22/11/2017 07:22

How has he got a little boy with someone else if you’ve been together 18 years?

Your desire to have a child can’t trump his not to-he already has two children to support.

zippey · 22/11/2017 07:23

if you haven't married after 18 years and are on and off, maybe there is a problem with commitment?

If you really want another child, you should find someone who does.

deepestdarkestperu · 22/11/2017 07:38

I wouldn’t want to bring another child into an on-off relationship, during which he clearly slept with someone else and got her pregnant.

Are you annoyed that he had another child with someone else and won’t have another with you as a result or that?

YellowMakesMeSmile · 22/11/2017 07:39

He's not taking away her choice, she has other options.

If you love someone you don't force them into having a child they don't want. It's not like talking then round to your preferred taste in decor etc.

It's also unfair on the child or do the mothers wants and demands over ride that?

He likely said what he did as he's obviously been letting you know for the past year it's not what he wants but you keep raising it.

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TheNaze73 · 22/11/2017 07:46

In nearly all situations, it’s the person who wants to change the status quo, who needs to make the big decision & I think you know what yours is. Neither of you are BU

BabsGangoush · 22/11/2017 07:57

There's always a thread on here with someone wanting one more and their partner not. You are not alone, but unfortunately one of you is going to have to relent.

Why does he think you would go behind his back?

Maybe he is concerned your house isn't big enough for another, and can't afford to move due to maintainance for the little boy?

Marriedwithchildren5 · 22/11/2017 08:36

I wouldn't have gone and gotten pregnant without his agreement. I just wouldn't have accepted anything but a full discussion and him taking my feelings into account as I had respected his decision not to have anymore for 3 years after dc2. I believe I would always have regretted not having dc3 but I'd never regret having her.

I do agree. He needs to be on board. But there should be room for talks etc.

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