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Help me write a text to my DS? (Christmas Related)

(193 Posts)
BecauseIDontPlanItsaNo Tue 21-Nov-17 22:02:43

DS is 24, and has a 2 year old DD with his wife. DS has just enquired about our plans for Christmas, and as it's over a month away I don't have any. I haven't even started my Christmas shopping yet.

He said that as I haven't got plans sorted yet and I can't say when I will have a solid plan as my DH (DS's dad) is in and out of hospital for various bits of treatment for an ongoing condition he has, DS has said that I can expect to see them sometime in January but he can't give me an exact date as "it's over a month away" (yes I see the irony of him saying that back to me). I already have no idea what to get GD as her other grandmother (DSs wifes mum) starts shopping in June and DS says his wife has bought all her presents, so they've got her everything she wants/needs. DS says his wifes work colleague gives her clothes throughout the year in the next size up for GD as the WCs DD is a bit older than GD so they pass down huge bags of clothes.

So can you help me write a text to DS saying that just because I don't plan my Christmas in June I should still be able to get presents for and see my GD. I see her every other week apart from when either my DH is ill or when GD (who also has a few extra needs, not exactly sure what but they're not serious from what I can tell) is in hospital/ill.

What should I say? And how can I do it without upsetting DSs wife and/or her mum?

Whisky2014 Tue 21-Nov-17 22:07:01

Well not by saying "just because I don't buy presents in June" for a start!
Why not just say oh that's a shame I was hoping to see you nearer Xmas"? Or something.

And I would just buy your granddaughter something or out money towards a fund for her.

tampinfuminragin Tue 21-Nov-17 22:07:14

Don’t mention the other one planning Christmas in June, it’s passive aggressive.

Mention that you’re looking for ideas for gifts because she has so much. You can ask if there’s anything that’s been bought that you can add to likes clothes for a doll, pram for doll, etc.

BarbarianMum Tue 21-Nov-17 22:10:23

Don't write a letter, this is the sort of discussion that's better dealt with face to face or not at all.

Tell your ds you look forward to seeing him in January - or offer Dec dates if you are able to.

There is nothing to stop you buying your dgd a Christmas present- choose a nice toy or book, wrap and send. You don't need permission, and if you see her so frequently you must be able to come up with some ideas yourself.

The sort of pa letter you are thinking of sending will end in nothing but disaster.

FlouncyDoves Tue 21-Nov-17 22:10:43

‘Dear DS, that’s a shame. I was hoping to see DGS and you all at some point over Xmas. What are your plans? In terms of presents, if there’s not one thing he needs, would you like me to pick up the tab for a set of classes (music/dance/gym etc) or something similar?’


‘That’s fine’. And then don’t be as available for babysitting etc. He’ll soon see he’s cut his nose off to spite his face.

ParadiseCity Tue 21-Nov-17 22:10:53

You sound like you have a very fragile relationship with him. I would focus on building that not 'it's not fair the other grandma does xyz'.

FlouncyDoves Tue 21-Nov-17 22:11:11

Sorry, meant DGD!

LadyGagarden Tue 21-Nov-17 22:12:39

I think there’s maybe crossed wires here and he thinks perhaps you don’t care about seeing him and the GD. People can be over sensitive about these things especially with a first child. I’d text and say how much you would love to see them all and maybe you could buy GD some tickets for a child friendly show like stick man and offer to take her or to a circus show? At that age she is probably free for things like zoos and national trust but as she gets older you could do that instead of material gifts? Are they taking her to see Santa as you could offer to pay for that or to go along with them? I think he just wants to feel that you’re enthusiastic about his child.

Hellomaryimback Tue 21-Nov-17 22:13:41

Don't text anything

Leave it a day or so then ring him up. He sounds very immature

BecauseIDontPlanItsaNo Tue 21-Nov-17 22:13:44

Relationship is fragile and I have no idea why! They've never stopped me seeing GD but don't make it easy either, I am nice to her.

GD is non verbal so can't tell me what she wants, and will happily play with anything from a wooden spoon and a bowl to a toy kitchen so it doesn't really give me an idea.

TaggieRR Tue 21-Nov-17 22:14:09

Some people like to plan ahead and get organised. I'm sorry about your dh but think you're just going to have to roll with it this year and be more organised next year! Think the offer of paying for an activity sounds a good idea!

BecauseIDontPlanItsaNo Tue 21-Nov-17 22:14:40

GD is scared of anything in a costume so don't think a show/santa is a good idea either.

NoSquirrels Tue 21-Nov-17 22:15:52

Why don't you know what other health needs your GD has?

Buy whatever present you please - the best thing is you can do what you like in the absence of other suggestions!

And ask DS what THEIR plans are in December so that when you know about DH's hospital appointments you can maybe fit in a visit.

(is DH your DS's father?)

Don't be all passive aggressive and angst about the other grandmother and her shopping habits. It won't change anyone's mind, it'll just aggravate and no one will come out if it well.

BarbarianMum Tue 21-Nov-17 22:16:13

No 2 year old tells you what they want, you work it out from what they play with or guess?

What about a tricycle or 3 wheeled scooter? Some books? Play-doh factory? Can you really think of nothing?

LadyGagarden Tue 21-Nov-17 22:17:04

Are you near any theme parks then? Thomas land or CBeebies land spring to mind perfect for that age group. Some soft plays do annual passes which I’m sure her parents would appreciate. Or near us we have a snow dome that does toddler tubing.

BecauseIDontPlanItsaNo Tue 21-Nov-17 22:17:31

DH is DSs father yes.

They don't really talk about GDs conditions, so I'm not really sure what exactly is wrong with her, I know she's non verbal, still in nappies and wears glasses and hearing aids but that's about all I know. Similarly they don't ask about DHs health conditions either.

ohhelpohnoitsa Tue 21-Nov-17 22:18:22

Perhaps he was hoping to firm up plans to see you and his father for Christmas day and he feels a bit snubbed? I did read the part about hospital but perhaps he would have liked to make plans - they can be amended nearer the time. I.e. "are we coming to you mum" "would you fancy coming to us mum' ?

saoirse31 Tue 21-Nov-17 22:20:01

The present for dgd is a non issue, buy her what you'd like without obv buying something massive. The issue is that you're not talking to your Ds and you don't even know what issues your dgd has. Tbh I'd be inviting ds for a coffee and listening to him, as a first and prob sec and third steps...

Isadora2007 Tue 21-Nov-17 22:20:04

If you normally see them every other week then why on Earth are these issues being discussed via text?

Don’t text anything. Talk. Explain that although you didn’t have plans you would happily fit in around theirs as long as his dads health is okay. Explain that you are not rejecting them in any way. Ask if your GD would like swimming lessons or something like that that you could pay for in lieu of a present. Or maybe something for her room (she may be moving into a big bed soon?) or something practical.
These things don’t happen overnight, you need to really self reflect on your relationship with your son and his wife and see why they’re so strained now. And then change it.

Justbookedasummmerholiday Tue 21-Nov-17 22:20:09

Tea set? Buy +wrap and tell ds it's under the tree for when he can call round with dgd.

BabyDreams2018 Tue 21-Nov-17 22:24:47

Are you sure it's your DS is the one texting and not your DIL on your DS's phone? You say the relationship is fragile, could it be because they are bitter you're not more hands on with helping out with your DGD who has additional needs?

Labradoodliedoodoo Tue 21-Nov-17 22:24:50

I think you can just say you’re very keen to catch up over xmas and can they let you know what DG would like gift wise.

NoSquirrels Tue 21-Nov-17 22:24:57

Have you asked directly about GD's issues? You say they "don't talk about it" but I wonder if they feel you don't care enough to ask?

It just seems odd, not to know at all. I asked about DH because I wondered if they feel you are wrapped up in your own life/DH's issues and not concerned at all about them?

I'm just speculating, so apologies if I'm way off the mark.

BecauseIDontPlanItsaNo Tue 21-Nov-17 22:25:30

I do try and speak to my DS and his wife regularly but they're closed off. I'm not sure if it's because the wife is very close to her mum and so they almost feel like they don't need me.

I have asked about GDs conditions but just get told "she'll be ok" and to "treat her how I would any other 2 year old"

Gazelda Tue 21-Nov-17 22:25:56

If I were your DS, I’d be incredibly hurt that you’ve not asked about your GD’s health issues. And I’d take it as an indication that you’re not terribly interested in her. And I’d also take your comments as an indication that you’re not terribly interested in seeing him or her over Christmas.

Having said that, your DS seems to be dis-interested in His father’s health too.

Do you ever all spend time together? Maybe invite them over when your DH is feeling up to it. Have some tea together? Chat and clear the air?

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