Who is B U here? I honestly don't know which way is up any more.

[NoOneLikesBlueQualityStreet]

I have a 10 year old DS with my ex and a 2 year old and a 5 year old with my DH. DH and I have been together 7 years.

We live 20 mins from my ex and are supposed to share care 50/50, but in the whole time we've been split, he's never had DS the full number of nights he's supposed to have him. Maybe I can count on both hands the amount of months he's had DS and not cancelled at least one night.

Unfortunately my ex has form for cancelling contact with DS very last minute. Sometimes this has been a legitimate reason to do with work, but the majority of the time it's been to do with a new partner or just going out on the piss. He's had about three different 'serious' partners in the time we've been split - all of whom he's introduced to DS. He goes on frequent holidays (4 last year!) but has never once taken DS away with him in 8 years. In contrast, we have never been on holiday and NOT taken DS with us.

DH is fab with DS. Because DS spends most of his time here, we are like a tight family unit. DH works from home so does the nursery and childminder pick ups and drop offs for our two and I do the school run for DS, which is closer to where his dad lives, because it's on my way to work.

The only fly in the ointment is that DH and I keep having the same argument about how crap my ex is with always cancelling contact last minute and pissing off to another city where his new girlfriend lives on weekends he's supposed to have DS.

Because I work an hour's commute away and DH works at home, I rely a lot on DH to pick up DS from school and DH is starting to get annoyed because it's often on days that aren't our scheduled days with DS, which means he has to make a 45 min/hour round trip to do DS's school run most days.

I see it as DH helping me out, which is what partners and families should do. But DH sees it as me helping my ex out and then passing the 'favour' onto him to do for my ex.

I don't see what I can do. I can't force my ex to see DS. If DH doesn't step in and help then I'm forced to ask my ex MIL which I don't want to do.

AIBU or is DH? (I already know my ex is BU!)

[Sirzy]

I am with your DH.

You either need to get the contact agreement changed to one that works or your ex needs to be the one to make arrangements for his days if he can’t do it.

The 50/50 obviously isn’t working.

Does your 10 year old not go to the same school as the 5 year old?

[hevonbu]

Well, you can't change your ex in any way, or his habits. It's understandable to be angry, but it is also quite pointless because the only three people hurt by this is you, your DH and your son (who might think it's his fault). Things are what they are. I think your husband could be more accommodating in my opinion, but it's to go too far to say he's unreasonable. If your ex had been for example deceased your DH would have had to pick up your son every day, perhaps.

[newdaylight]

Hmm. I don't think either of you are really BU as such. Can see both your points. For me as a step dad he should treat him as his own. However how about approaching ex to say can we reduce your days if this amount is too much and then we'll be able to plan around when we have ds more.

Can he not take the bus though?

[nokidshere]

Dh is BU because life happens when you are a family and you just have to get on with dealing with it. It's not your sons fault that his dad is flakey and your dh moaning about it won't make anything change, although it might upset your son if he is within hearing of his gripes.

[MissionItsPossible]

I don't think he is BU although I wouldn't agree with him that you are doing your ex a favour. I personally don't think three partners in over at least 7 years is shocking either

[Stompythedinosaur]

I actually think your dh has a point. What happens if you tell your ex that your dh is no longer willing to help and he will have to arrange childcare if he cannot have your ds?

Obviously stepping in in an emergency is a different thing and your dh absolutely should do this as part of a family.

[NoOneLikesBlueQualityStreet]

What happens if you tell your ex that your dh is no longer willing to help and he will have to arrange childcare if he cannot have your ds?

But in that scenario I'd much rather DS was just at home with us instead of at ex MIL's or at a mate's house or something.

[NoOneLikesBlueQualityStreet]

I personally don't think three partners in over at least 7 years is shocking either

I didn't mean that it's shocking. Just that he seems to prioritise time with each one over time with DS.

[nokidshere]

Obviously stepping in in an emergency is a different thing and your dh absolutely should do this as part of a family.

'Helping out' in an emergency is not being part of a family.

[Keepingupwiththejonesys]

Your ex should sort out DS being picked up on his days. Shouldn't be left to you or your dh and you need to make this clear to ex.

[Mxyzptlk]

at ex MIL's or at a mate's house or something.
Or still at school wondering what's going on?

Your DH is helping DS, who is now part of his family, not doing a favour for your ex.
What does DH think should be done, in the absence of a sense of responsibility in your ex?

[NoOneLikesBlueQualityStreet]

He says ex should sort childcare with ex MIL.

[SweetEnough]

I agree with you, it's not your ex he's helping. He's helping you deal with problems your ex causes, which unfortunately most step parents sign up for.

Unless your ex has an epiphany and stops cancelling seeing his son it will always be a problem, but you have no control over that.

I'd put it to your dh that by being there for him, means at least your son has a man in his life who will always be there to help him when you can't.

[Ameliablue]

he has to make a 45 min/hour round trip to do DS's school run most days.

This is quite a lot, is there any way to change things that aren't going to be dependent on your ex.

[Leeds2]

Is your 5 year old not at the same school as the 10 year old?

Could the 10 year old not move to a school closer to home? It must be some way away if it is an hour long round trip. Although I appreciate that is easier said than done! If he is in Year 6, would your DH be more amenable to thinking he only has to do this for this school year, then DS will be making his own way to senior school?

[Sirzy]

Does your 5 year old go to the same school as the 10 year old?

[ParadiseCity]

Neither of you are bu imo. Could you ever rearrange your work to collect DS? I think it'd feel fairer if you and DH split the inconvenience. School is an hour from you but on your journey and a 45 min round trip for him? So there's not that much in it to say it makes sense for it to always be DH that's disrupted.

In the long term... high school is approaching. Hang on in there !!!

[NoOneLikesBlueQualityStreet]

Does your 5 year old go to the same school as the 10 year old?

No. Long, irrelevant story, but in short: no. And no possibility of moving schools either. At least not til secondary.

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

I don't understand. You've got two school age children, haven't you? Don't they go to the same school?

[melj1213]

I'm with your DH - you are voluntelling him to pick up your DS because your Ex has dropped the rope and you are busy. Fine as a one off but working from home =/= can drop everything for an hour to pick up a child and it's becoming expectation that your Ex's failures are becoming your DHs problems.

You are seeing your DH as flexible childcare, but he isn't a SAHD, he's working from home. I can imagine that if he's in the middle of something and expecting to be able to crack on with a project it can be frustrating to get a call to say that he has to go and pick up DSS because his dad has flaked again and he is expected to pick up the slack.

Childcare when during your Ex's time is his problem to fix - I have 50/50 custody of DD with my Ex, he's not flaky with his time with her but if he has a clash or can't have her for whatever reason then it is on him to find someone to pick DD up from school etc ... we have a pretty good relationship so if he was really desperate and I wasn't busy then I'd happily pick DD up but if I was busy there's no way I'd then pass the buck on to my OH and then be annoyed if he wasn't entirely happy to do so, especially at short notice and was becoming more frequent.

[BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried]

I agree with your DH, your ex has been doing it for so long because you are making it so easy for him to do. He cancels because he knows you or your DH will pick up the slack. If you made it difficult for your ex to cancel by being unavailable then he would have to sort out childcare himself and he might rethink his plans. You are enabling his shitty behaviour. Stop doing it. Next time he cancels, reply with “you’ll have to arrange childcare for DS as it’s your contact time and DH and I have commitments we can’t break.” Keep repeating the same message. Stay firm. Do not cave when he whinges and piles on the guilt because he is only doing it to manipulate you.

[Helpmeltb]

I agree with your dh. If it's your ex's night to pick ds up, then it's up to your ex to make alternative arrangements.

[Sirzy]

So your dh is having to do extea School runs because your ex won’t stand up to his responsibilities and by you just plugging the gap he never will will he?

Is it a court ordered 50/50 split?

[LivininaBox]

If your ex can't pick up your son as planned I'd suggest he should pay for a taxi to take him to yours. Your DH is presumably taking time out of work to make this journey - how can he expected to do that on a semi regular basis? A 20 min taxi ride can't be that expensive?

[Orangesox]

Is there an after school club that DS could go to which would mean pick up would coincide with your return home? Not ideal with the cost, but for the short time DS is still at primary it could be a solution