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AIBU?

best mate ditching me when I needed them the most.

31 replies

roomsonfire · 21/11/2017 12:45

OK I have name changed for obvious reasons.

My DC went missing, police called, later found, all is well and all that.

called the people my DC knows and the one person who is my best mate for years. Over a decade .

long story short best mate who doesn't work, 'no sorry cant help today' I could understand if they were at work but it was a 'sorry can't help' no let me know whats going on, no questions about what I'd done, keep me in the loop etc just very cold, quick to get me off the phone.

AIBU to be pissed the one person who I thought I could rely on was so fucking flippant my DC was missing?

fwiw I have been there when he's had lots of other big things going on inc a relative in court for quite serious stuff.

I am aware the situ has probably clouded things but other friends were out looking etc doing what they could to help.

OP posts:

Report

Hissy · 21/11/2017 12:49

Well, now you know.

YANBU to be pissed off.

Your friend isn't your friend.

Cut them out of your life and focus on those people who do give a shit about you

Notreallyarsed · 21/11/2017 12:50

I’m glad your DC was found safe first of all.

No, YANBU at all. I’ve found this year that people say they’ll be there but when it actually matters very few will. It’s hurtful and shit.

Splinterz · 21/11/2017 12:52

You dont knowwhat is going on in their life - hence the brevity of the reply - always wait for full facts before passing judgement. Could be their crisis was bigger than yours at the time.

upperlimit · 21/11/2017 12:53

Crisis bigger than a missing child? Unless the DC is an adult who went AWOL for a day, what could have been more pressing?

roomsonfire · 21/11/2017 12:55

DC is 10. DC and best mate get on brilliantly and I was concerned DC would have tried to go to best mates house.

sorry for not putting this info in the OP.

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roomsonfire · 21/11/2017 12:58

Thanks. I do worry when under stressful circumstance that we can all behave irrationally. I was concerned I may be.

thanks notreally

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upperlimit · 21/11/2017 12:59

No. That would be a total deal breaker for me and I'm fairly tolerant of poor behaviour a lot of the time.

ADayGivingMeHope · 21/11/2017 13:01

Glad your dc is ok!

This is not a friend...! Unforgivable.

Splinterz · 21/11/2017 13:03

Crisis bigger than a missing child? Unless the DC is an adult who went AWOL for a day, what could have been more pressing?

I dunno, her P or ex standing there with a knife or a knuckle duster? Dead parent? brick through the window by the local drug dealer? No idea.

roomsonfire · 21/11/2017 13:05

I feel it is for me too. I went into a couple of shops DC frequents, were friendly with them if that makes sense and left my details there and they were more than happy to help keep and eye out.! I probably shouldn't compare to that. but I'm just so furious strangers have done more than someone I consider more like a brother.

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upperlimit · 21/11/2017 13:08

Yeah, I guess I was remiss in thinking of all terribly possibilities and the potential of clashing crises, like a soap opera Christmas special.

PenelopeStoppit · 21/11/2017 13:13

Glad your child is okay. When I read this I wondered two things: do you have a lot of issues in your life so your friend didn't take it seriously because they have become used to numerous problems? I also wondered if your friend was okay? If it is out of the ordinary send a text or call and say you are just checking they are alright because you were concerned about them when they weren't able to help you as usually they would rush to when it is serious. If there was nothing happening and they just simply couldn't be bothered I would distance myself.

PiffleandWiffle · 21/11/2017 13:16

It depends how old your child is, the circumstances of them going "missing" etc.

If it's a stroppy 15 year old that's flounced out after a blazing row & isn't answering their phone then that's totally different to a 5 year old that wandered off in the park/shopping centre & hasn't been seen since....

Also, were they even in your town at the time??

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 21/11/2017 13:25

It's times like these when you get to see how good some friends actually are. Fair weather friends can be more fun but are not exactly dependable.

At least you know now. I'm sorry they let you down.

MillennialFalcon · 21/11/2017 13:25

YANBU, your friend's complete lack of concern in such a serious situation is upsetting. It's not just that they didn't help in a practical way but that they didn't seem to care or offer any emotional reassurance either. Even if they couldn't physically be there, they could've been more supportive. I would definitely see the friendship differently unless it turned out there were severe extenuating circumstances like they had to rush to the bedside of a dying family member or something.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 21/11/2017 13:26

On the face of it friend seems to have been really unsupportive but given you've actually been friends with them for over ten years and you're surprised by this reaction, I'm another wondering whether you're someone who maybe has regular dramas and so friend possibly thought it was a bit of a storm in a teacup? So for example if your ten year old had form for going off with friends rather than coming home from school that might be worrying for you of course but for others it might be a case of Oh he always turns up.

RatRolyPoly · 21/11/2017 13:26

Yeah yeah, "you don't know what's going on in their life", whatever. Fact is if they are in fact a reasonable person and a good friend and something was going on that clouded their response, they will fully expect you to be pissed off with their dismissing you - they will of course know you wouldn't have known of their "greater troubles". So go ahead, be sorely disappointed in them - I would be! If you get a "sorry I wasn't there for you, I had xyz going on" then fine; you could even ask them about it if you felt so inclined, but usually things are exactly as simple as they seem.

Unless there are any significant details missing, YANBU.

roomsonfire · 21/11/2017 13:30

PiffleandWiffleyes in my town. Small place too. I wasn't expecting all hands on deck but you know... asking how I am would've been a bloody good start. I didn't get that.

PenelopeStoppit

no I dont often call them and ask for help. we tend to do a lot of our frivolous convos via FB or in the flesh hence me calling because it was much more serious. He knows I don't call unless its stupidly important. Ditto he with me.

Defo OK he is the first to tell me if theres and issue and we had previously chatted before breakfast as is typical of our friendship.

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user1495451339 · 21/11/2017 13:38

Sounds like the worst friend ever to be honest! No reason would ever be enough to not help or at least sympathize with you over this unless he had just received had news of his own which it doesn't sound is the case. Some people only like to be the centre of their own drama.

roomsonfire · 21/11/2017 13:40

No never ran off like this before CantSleepClownsWillEatMe

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MuggaTea · 21/11/2017 13:51

Really glad your child is ok.

You don't know if he was being unreasonable as you don't know why he was distracted. Perhaps he was sitting in A+E waiting on a friend/relative....

He should have shown more concern, however he could have had a genuine reason for not being able to help AND for not wanting to tell you why.

A friend texted me an urgent favour whilst I was waiting for an unexpected operation. I apologised to say I wasn't available without explanation. She could well have believed i was selfish.

I would have a calm conversation with him and just explain that you are upset.

VladmirsPoutine · 21/11/2017 13:53

Sometimes it does take something of this magnitude to put things in perspective. A fair weather friend is no friend at all.
Don't pursue it or justify it - just cut your ties.

ADayGivingMeHope · 21/11/2017 15:15

A missing child is not a storm in a teacup! 😡

PenelopeStoppit · 21/11/2017 15:25

And there is no chance of a jealous partner on his side?

If there is no reason then distance yourself and if he asks why tell him you were hurt by his lack of concern when you needed him. Or just tell him that anyway and see what he has to say. You have nothing to lose.

roomsonfire · 21/11/2017 18:06

He got back in touch about an hour ago. A 'sorry i was with someone' nothing more than he had company. When I called I heard a womans voice, didn't think anything of it until he responded later. If it was female relatives. They know me well and would understand massively and would actually come over. His mum and me are close.

No jealous partner.

Actually thinking I was left to deal with this for a date. I know he was dating a woman with kids. which probably makes this even worse doesn't it? Not jumping to conclusions here.

If it was anyone else - contractors, friends whatever I am certain they would understand the situ and he'd have said X is here and still asked if I am OK or even stayed on the phone longer.

Its the 2 messages and complete disregard that has me. I'm actually tired of people doing this to me so I'm walking away If cant rely on people when i really need them I dont want them in my life.

FWIW in any of these scenarios with any friend I would've stopped what I was doing and talked with them and deal with the consequences later even if that meant saying I need 10 and will call you back.

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