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To tell my dad to leave

(20 Posts)
Ladymadness Tue 21-Nov-17 10:42:18

Ok this may be a long one so just warning you before hand

Bit of backstory
For the past 4 years we have had my dad living with us due to his and my mum's relationship breaking down. They were both awfully to each other but I couldn't let my dad be on the streets so gave him a room in our house.
He had depression and ended up with an alcohol problem. He was constantly lying to me saying he wasn't going to drink but then end up passed out on the floor or in hospital because of falling and getting hurt. We were at the hospital nearly every week due to this. Dad then lied again saying doctors had told him that he didn't need any medication anymore (he has a heart condition that means he will need meds for the rest of his life so I knew this was a lie) the very next week I had a call from the police because my dad had attempted suicide.
I put my foot down at this point and went to all of his appointments 1 so he could get the help he needed and 2 so he couldn't lie to me.
For the past year his depression got better and was managed by antidepressants yet he still continued to go out drinking I feel as though I have to take care of him constantly and it has made my own anxiety and depression go up.
I have 3 dc one is being assessed for autism and one is being assessed for aspergers so I have allot going on and feel like I am just plodding along.

He was made redundant 5 months ago and isnt even looking at job vacancies he is just living off his redundancy money
So yesterday I was tidying my dad's bedroom (Yeah he doesn't clean or wash properly eather so again that's my job to tidy and remind him to wash) and I found a catalogue with I'll the information for local escourts I know he has been using them as there are notes and other pieces of paper between the pages. I confronted him and all he said was oh sorry I'll put it away !
I told him he needed to throw it in the bin but he ignored me and went to his room
I feel sick to my stomach goodness knows what sort of diseases he has brought into my home and as I have 3 dc and he doesn't shower I am livid. Not only is this a health issue a few of them are known drug addicts and obviously they know he has money. I live in an area where your house would be done over for a tenner so I am also worried about him drawing this to our home .
I want him to leave he has family that can help him such as my nan and uncles who so far have not been bothered and have left everything to me to sort out.

Aibu to tell him to leave ? I just can't for my own family's safety and my mental health see how I can carry on supporting him.

Wow long sorry ladies x

FilthyforFirth Tue 21-Nov-17 10:47:54

Dear god, yes, tell him to leave. You have tried your best but you are not soley responsible for him. Let other family members pick up the slack. Sorry, sounds awful for you.

FannyFifer Tue 21-Nov-17 10:48:43

Put him out.

coconutpie Tue 21-Nov-17 10:53:11

Jesus YANBU. Tell him to leave immediately - you have DC to protect. If he can afford not to work for that length of time then he can pay for a b&b to stay in.

Leilaniii Tue 21-Nov-17 10:58:10

You have been an absolute saint! Now it's someone else's turn to look after him.

AnUtterIdiot Tue 21-Nov-17 11:00:09

Tell him to go. It's not just for you, it's for him. My uncle came to live with my mother after his relationship broke down. It became clear quickly that he had a serious drinking problem. He was filthy - vile breath that you could smell across the room - he was always drunk, he staggered and fell over constantly, he picked at you at best ("it's just a joke!") and was actively unpleasant and verbally aggressive at worst. He left the gas hob on constantly, he broke things, he collapsed in a stupour in the loo with his pants down blocking the door and my mother's carer had to pick him up and clean his mess up. He had a keyworker for addiction but was able to cut out drink for a few days before he saw
the keyworker so the keyworker didn't know
how bad he was. In the end we realised that by letting him live in the house we were doing nothing to help him - we were letting him hide from the problem because in his head he was a man living with his family who just liked a drink.

I can tell you now that by the end of his time at my mum's I would have made him go even if he had had nowhere to go, because he was aggressive and dangerous and had no intention of changing. Remember: your dad is making choices here. Being an alcoholic is an illness and it is hard, but he is still making choices and the choices he is making are bad for you and bad for your children. As long as he lives with you he will believe that he can continue to behave like this. He has to want to stop and he doesn't because as long as you let him stay he has no reason to.

Splinterz Tue 21-Nov-17 11:00:59

Unless hes brining the escorts to your house its none of your business who he's shagging is it?

Other than that, no, call social services, get him assessed as a vulnerable adult (alcohol abuse) and make it their problem to put him in a homeless hostel

Ladymadness Tue 21-Nov-17 11:03:34

Thank you ladies I have honestly been so torn. I get that I'm not his mom so can't tell him what to do but at the same time I need to keep my dc safe. I don't want them growing up thinking this is normal like I did (mom is an alcoholic ) I love dad to bits but I can't look after him anymore it's too much.

MrsExpo Tue 21-Nov-17 11:07:13

Give him a short deadline to go, and stick to it. Help him pack if necessary. Make sure other family members know that will be no longer living at your house as from <date>.

However, I agree with Splinterz ... him seeing escorts is a different issue.

PoppyJ1 Tue 21-Nov-17 11:24:35

I think him seeing escorts IS a problem. If he gets caught curb crawling or visiting an illegal brothel and gets arrested, the police will have to come to your home. Especially if he has a car registered to your address.

ReanimatedSGB Tue 21-Nov-17 11:26:25

It's not possible to help someone who doesn't want to be helped. You have done your best, but now you need to think of your DC and yourself. As pp have said, contact SS and tell him he has to leave. While you are housing him, it will be harder for him to access support because he has a roof over his head...

Squeegle Tue 21-Nov-17 11:28:17

Yes, your first duty is to your DCs. You can’t save him single handedly unfortunately, he has to play his part too. I’m sorry you are going through this it must be very hard. But you have to stand up for those who can’t do it for themselves and that’s your kids flowers

justilou1 Tue 21-Nov-17 11:29:30

FOUR YEARS? He has been with you for FOUR YEARS!!! You are not supposed to be the parent. He is his own adult - or not. You need to be there for your family and NOT feel guilty. He clearly has no intention of moving on with his life. This push might be just what he needs!

AnUtterIdiot Tue 21-Nov-17 11:33:41

It's not really. If OP disapproves of him using prostitutes she doesn't have enough to let him live with her.

kateandme Tue 21-Nov-17 11:46:46

its very difficult I don't believe.or want to believe never to leave someone in mental health need.but there are lines that are crossed.when said person might put your family at risk and they themselves step into such moraly wrong behaviours then you have to think again and cant be flamed for doing so hun.
there is so much shit you have to put up with when someone has a mental health problems.they become sometimes completely different people.but in yrou gut you know they are there just very very poorly.and they don't perform such things as ur dad has stepped into.they are often the most sensitive people out there.so you can suffer the shit because they are sick and that is what brings the shit ill times.
not all mental health suffers use escorts. this is him. and to put your family in jeopardy that a line he doesn't cross.ever.
mental health in the family can push you to the edg eof your sanity.oh god and passed it.it take special families to fight on.they have to see and do things others wouldn't dream of going through.nor fathom. but you do.something in your heart tell you too,makes it possible. you still see ur little girl or the true person maybe.i don't no but something allows a demon fight to carry on battling. but if you have reached a point you can see through to your dad and hes being a idiot alongside it then you will know.youl no in your gut

expatmigrant Tue 21-Nov-17 12:05:46

Too right...ask him to leave. I'd give him one weeks notice and then have his bags packed ready waiting by the front door if he has made no effort to find somewhere. If he can afford escorts, he can also afford a hotel.
Put you DC first

Ladymadness Tue 21-Nov-17 12:15:43

I'm going to have a chat with dp and sort a plan out because I have no idea how to broach the subject with dad. Dp isn't leet on asking him to leave but he is a people pleaser and a procrastinator. I just need him to back me up and be there.

Ladymadness Tue 21-Nov-17 12:16:26

Keen not leet

Squeegle Tue 21-Nov-17 12:45:50

The effect on you and what that will do to your dcs should be enough . Read out what you said to us about your life. Anyway if he is a procrastinator he can just let you get on with it.

TemptressofWaikiki Tue 21-Nov-17 13:14:20

Troublesome houseguests are like fish, they start stinking your house out after a few days... I'd turf him out. Yesterday!

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