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AIBU or is it my husband?

(100 Posts)
angryjoanna Tue 21-Nov-17 09:54:51

Please help me with some advice. I have a six month old baby and my husband and I seem to have been at eachother's throats since he was born and have discussed divorce. The latest tiff is turning into a full on family feud. I'm just not sure if it's me or him being unreasonable this time and I'd appreciate the advice of people who don't know either of us.

The latest tiff started at a family lunch at my parents' house a week ago. My uncle, who has never much liked my husband (he has never said so but has always been a bit cold with him), was there and ended up full-on shouting at my husband when they were talking about politics. My husband definitely didn't provoke this - my uncle has a tendency to lose self-control whenever politics comes up and he is also a little racist, which gets my husband's back up understandably.

Anyway, when my uncle shouted at my husband, I didn't intervene (I think I was concerned it would turn into a big argument if I chipped in) and, seeing we were all a bit shocked, my uncle then said sorry very quietly. My husband finished his food, cleaned his plate then went to another room and played chess on his phone for the rest of the afternoon. When we left, my mum called him rude for having gone off in a huff (my husband does have a tendency to go off in a huff). My husband didn't hear that comment from my mum, but I did tell her that it was my uncle who had been rude.

Since this tiff, my husband is insisting on cancelling our plans to spend xmas with my family every year unless my uncle spends xmas elsewhere. He says I'm pathetic and cowardly for not defending him. I've tried to suggest that we can go to his parents (in a different country) this year, and my family next year, but he's insisting that we can never have xmas anywhere where my uncle is, ever and that he doesn't want to spend xmas with his family either - he wants it just to be me, him and our son. As a compromise, I've half-heartedly suggested that me and my son can spend Boxing Day with my parents, uncle, sister etc., and xmas day just the 3 of us, but in reality I'm not OK with this every year and I know for sure that my family are not going to understand this and they will just dislike my husband causing ever more tensions.

Am I right to think that my husband is being childish? Or is it me who is in the wrong in expecting him to spend xmas with the uncle who - husband says - humiliated him?

Thanks.

Grimmfebruary Tue 21-Nov-17 09:57:12

I think you're being a bit unreasonable, id have died of shame if my uncle shouted at my partner like that and would have had no issues telling him to sod off either.

shutitandtidyupgitface Tue 21-Nov-17 09:59:33

I think he's picked a stupid cross to die on since this will just push you further towards divorce and he will then have no say at all as to when the kid spends time with your family.
Has he realised that?

whatkatydidnext1 Tue 21-Nov-17 10:01:15

Hmmmmm if I was you I wouldn’t worry about other Christmas’s just concentrate on this one. It’s hard to say without knowing the full context of the argument but you say your uncle doesn’t like dh ? And dh knows this ? I wouldn’t want to spend Christmas Day where I wasn’t liked. Hard for you I know but is your uncles dislike of your dh justified ?

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney Tue 21-Nov-17 10:01:18

I agree with your husband here. What your uncle did was out of order. It seems he did not apologise to your DH which he could have away from the table, he just apologised to the table at large.
Racism would get my back up too.

You need to start sticking up for your DH not thinking about Divorcing him.

ijustwannadance Tue 21-Nov-17 10:03:15

He was a bit pathetic to sulk afterwards but I wouldn't want to spend every bloody xmas with my inlaws, especially if uncle knobhead is always there.

whatkatydidnext1 Tue 21-Nov-17 10:03:17

Also your dh will be justified in not wanting your ds spending time with a racist. At the moment he’s a baby but they grow up quick.

WorraLiberty Tue 21-Nov-17 10:03:29

Sorry but I wouldn't want to be anywhere near your uncle to be honest. Not just for the shouting, but the racism etc.

Sounds like it's possibly the straw that broke the camel's back for your DH.

shutitandtidyupgitface Tue 21-Nov-17 10:04:36

But none of that means that the dh gets to tell his wife that she can't see her family. You are all justifying controlling behavior of one man because of the racism of another man. The woman does have her own agency and thoughts you know!

WorraLiberty Tue 21-Nov-17 10:05:04

ijustwannadance, it might not have been pathetic sulking.

It might've been him keeping out of the way, so as not to cause any further arguments/bad feeling in front of the rest of the family.

whatkatydidnext1 Tue 21-Nov-17 10:05:33

Also anyone can take offence to racism but was it particularly aimed at dh ?

SilverSpot Tue 21-Nov-17 10:07:09

I'm with your DH on this one, sorry. It is unacceptable to tolerate being shouted at by another adult.

Ttbb Tue 21-Nov-17 10:08:37

He's not being unreasonable. Your uncle sounds like a real dick. Why should Christmas get ruined every time you there because of him?

Lottie509 Tue 21-Nov-17 10:09:58

Me personally I would have stuck up for my husband, and I would understand if he didnt want christmas there.
You say your uncle has never like him, Would you like it if the roles were reversed and he didnt defend you and expected you to spend christmas with them.

PinkyBlunder Tue 21-Nov-17 10:10:02

Thread be no way I’d be spending Christmas with my husbands family if they treated me the same way your family treated your husband on that occasion. If what happened at dinner has been deemed acceptable I’d like to know how many other times they’ve made him feel like crap because I bet it’s a fair few!

PinkyBlunder Tue 21-Nov-17 10:10:35

That’s ‘there’d be no way’ obviously!

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney Tue 21-Nov-17 10:11:02

If DH is from another country , depending on the context it may well have been directed at him.
The racism is key here to know where the line in the sand is . A " little bit racist" could be anything from Daily Maid reader to outright Psid up National Front member. More info on that from OP needed I think.

FilthyforFirth Tue 21-Nov-17 10:12:10

Another one who thinks you are probably being a bit U. You should have said something when your uncle was being racist - was it aimed directly at DH? Christmas is super important to me and I would also put ny foot down about spending it with a racist..

angryjoanna Tue 21-Nov-17 10:12:46

I suspect my Uncle dislikes him from what he's heard from my mum (they are very close). My husband has been very rude to my mum in the past - not unprovoked, but his reactions have always seemed very exaggerated to me e.g. shouting and not speaking to her.

whatkatydidnext1 Tue 21-Nov-17 10:13:00

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney
Agree totally.
Also if it’s directed at her dh it’s also directed st their child too.
An Alf Garnet type character is springing to mind.

Topseyt Tue 21-Nov-17 10:13:16

Based solely on your OP, I have a lot of sympathy with your husband. Your uncle sounds like a racist bigot and was extremely rude. I would never choose to spend time in his company again either.

I suspect your husband went off to the other room to end the conflict, as it is so often the only way to handle such bigots. If so then that was the right thing to do.

Stick up for your husband.

What the hell would be wrong with spending Christmas with just your husband and child? Millions of us have done so for years.

angryjoanna Tue 21-Nov-17 10:13:34

Thanks everyone for your messages. I think I need to grow some ovaries and stick up for people.

EdmundCleverClogs Tue 21-Nov-17 10:13:51

So your racist uncle starts an argument with your husband, and you neither tell your uncle to stop being offensive or back up your husband? No wonder he needed a ‘time out’ from (what sounds like) you awfully behaved family! If that was my family, I would have walked out, not be planning yet another Christmas with them. Another point he’s not being unreasonable over - though Boxing Day is a different matter. Aren’t you at least a bit sympathetic to his view? You family sounds awful, I’d not want to spend Christmas with them either - stress, booze, long day, god knows how volatile your charming uncle will get by the end.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin Tue 21-Nov-17 10:14:04

Your uncle is a dickhead and a bully. "Loses self control" is basically code for being an aggressive arsehole. Your husband didn't "go off in a huff" he walked away from the argument and behaved like a grown up. I don't think he was rude- he sounds remarkably self controlled when actually he must have been not only upset at being shouted at like that by your racist uncle but hurt that you didn't care enough to make a stand yourself.

To sum up, I dont think your husband is unreasonable at all. I wouldn't want to spend Christmas with your family either.

greeeen Tue 21-Nov-17 10:14:27

Your DH is 100% right. There is no way I would be going anywhere near a Christmas with a racist who has trouble controlling their temper.

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