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To think most mothers treat their sons and daughters differently.

(93 Posts)
ManicUnicorn Mon 20-Nov-17 15:55:10

From my own personal experience this seems to be the case, certainly with regards to my DM. She only has two children DB and myself, and whilst materially she's always treated us exactly the same, she totally idolises DB in a way she doesn't seem to with me. She boasts about him to anyone who will listen, about what a great person he is, how he is funny, how brilliant he is at his job, how he is a great cook, a brilliant driver, how talented he is etc the list is endless. She might boast about me when I'm not around, but I highly doubt it. The best she can muster about me is that I am the 'clever one' because I got good GCSE's and went to Uni. Any criticism of him, even jokingly from DF and myself is shot down. The sun shines out of him in her eyes.

Going back to when we were teens, and we went on nights out she would drop everything to go and pick him and mates up at all hours of the night where as I always had to find my own way home. I remember pulling her up on it once and her excuse was that lads would get into fights when they had a drink late at night so she wanted to make sure he got home safely. But women are far more at risk late at night, are they not?

There is so much more I could write, but it would be an essay if I did. She still makes him a packed lunch for work ffs! He's 30 and lives with his girlfriend in his own house! DB and I actually get along really well, and I don't blame him for any of this, but it's upsetting and from talking to other women a very common theme!

Why is this?

Piratesandpants Mon 20-Nov-17 15:57:07

I’m sorry to hear that she treats you differently. That must be hard. But it’s a big jump to say that it’s because of sex, and that other people do the same. You’re not looking at s good sample size. It could be to do with personalities etc.

shutitandtidyupgitface Mon 20-Nov-17 15:59:18

I treat all of my children differently, because they are individuals. It has nothing to do with their sex though.

Don't generalise your personal situation to everyone else.

stripedcardigan Mon 20-Nov-17 15:59:48

Quite the generalisation! It isn't something I would do; I try quite hard to make things equal with my DC.

Splinterz Mon 20-Nov-17 16:01:06

Interesting - I'd tell you my older brother was my mothers blue eyed darling, he'll tell you I was the spoiled brat who got everything (parents careers were well established by then so more affluent).

It's all about perception. Every sibling feels hard done by in comparison to the others. My DC are broadly treated equally, but bitterly complain the other one gets everything!

BarbarianMum Mon 20-Nov-17 16:01:54

Quite a few parents seem to have a golden child thing going. A few months on here though will show you its not based on the sex of the children - lots of stories about one daughter favoured above another, ditto sons, daughters and their children being favoured over sons and their families etc etc

Sorry it's happened to you flowers.

MustRememberTheLInFingerling Mon 20-Nov-17 16:03:06

I think most mothers treat their children differently regardless of their sex - they are individuals so have different needs/personalities.

That said, I have come across a handful of mothers who treat their children (grandchildren) differently because of sex (including my grandmother) but my experience is that these are the exception.

Bumbumtaloo Mon 20-Nov-17 16:03:26

I was just going to say I don’t necessarily to do with the sex of the children. My MIL treats DH and his brother completely differently. DH has always been fiercely independent and BIL has always been the stereo typical mummy’s boy. And as such she ‘mothers’ BIL despite him being mid 30’s and married.

JacquelineChan Mon 20-Nov-17 16:03:53

hmmm i think my mum treats us differently but probably as pp said , its because we are different people . no better or no worse just differently.

however , my brother does lots of housework/ cooking / childcare and my mum says about dsil '' she's so lucky, she doesn't know how lucky she is !''
I do all the housework/ laundry/ most childcare but my mum doesn't say that dp is lucky !!

Bumbumtaloo Mon 20-Nov-17 16:04:01


AngelsSins Mon 20-Nov-17 16:05:43

I think a lot of fathers do the same, so unfair to single out mothers, but yes, my mum does far more for my waste of space brother and always makes excuses for his horrific behaviour. I think this might be because he's the only one of us to have kids (3 by 3 different mothers but only pays for 1 and sees 2 of them) and she's keen to have a relationship with them.

What annoys me is that my sister and I want nothing to do with him. He's been vile to us and not apologised, so my mum moans at me and my sister to brush it under the carpet and forgive him, but won't encourage him to apologise for his behaviour towards us. When we refuse, she will trick us into popping over when he is there. Drives me insane that she wants us to be just as much of a doormat with him as she is.

Grimmfebruary Mon 20-Nov-17 16:06:21

My mother treats my brother completely differently to my sister and I. Yes he's still a teenager, and it's not as extreme as your mothers behaviour, but he is so used to being waited on hand and foot our 76 year old nana still 'looks after' him when my mum is at work...

Jjacobb Mon 20-Nov-17 16:06:56

My mum had two boys and two girls. We are all in our 50s now. She has always favoured the boys. Even now they both still live at home and she’s in her 80s and does everything for them. She does favour one of them over the other though,, she always has. All through my childhood I remember him being the golden child. She is even leaving her house solely to him. If she needs shopping picking up she will ring me to do it rather than ask them. I gave up being annoyed about it years ago. It is what it is.

Twofishfingers Mon 20-Nov-17 16:09:27

I have two sons, and I have to admit that I am a lot more protective of one of them. And probably boastful.

By contrast, I have two older sisters and my eldest sister can do no wrong.

I do know where you come from in terms of brother/sister, but it's more of a child situation. And it can be caused by anything. My oldest sister was very sick as a baby and my mother became overprotective of her compared to the other siblings. And I am protective of DS2 because he is super sensitive, a loner and a bit of a geek. DS1 is an extrovert, popular, strong minded and independent.

Justbookedasummmerholiday Mon 20-Nov-17 16:09:42

A friend of mine who became my sil told me similar stories about her 3x db getting special treatment as you have described.
As I became closer to my bil he confided in me that their dm had in fact beaten the boys with a poker and locked them in a cupboard as youngsters and she was trying to redeem herself in their adulthood.
My sil never knew as she was 'a good girl' likely in bed when it went on.
She had 2 x ds but was actually terrified to have a dd in case she treated her with apparent neglect also.
So wish I could have told her the truth but it want my place.
Maybe op your dm is so confident in you she feels you don't need 'special treatment'.
I have dd's and ds's and whilst relationships are different neither is preferential.

treaclesoda Mon 20-Nov-17 16:10:21

I see my MIL like this with my husband. She idolises him and does nothing but criticise his sister. I feel quite sorry for my SIL even though I have some difficulty with her myself, as she hasn't always treated me kindly.

However, my husband doesn't lap it up and lord it over his sister the way a lot of siblings do (and I do believe it's a sibling thing, rather than a boy girl thing). He finds it quite annoying.

Montsti Mon 20-Nov-17 16:11:21

I've got 4 children (8 years and younger) and only one (the eldest) is a boy...I'm definitely more over protective of him and do more admin type things for him than I would if the girls were his age...but that could be because the girls (5 & 3 - not sure about the newborn!) seem more capable of some things (my girls have been dressing themselves since they were 2.5...whereas he has only been doing so since he almost might be that he's the oldest or a boy or just him...I'm not doesn't mean he's my favourite but it's just different with him...

Montsti Mon 20-Nov-17 16:12:16

Fwiw dh disciplines DS and not my 3 dds....he is so soft on them and much harder on DS....maybe age, maybe gender or maybe personalities...

Awwlookatmybabyspider Mon 20-Nov-17 16:15:18

I never understand why parents brag.
Let's be honest no one gives a shit.
That your db is a great cook and brilliant at his job. People have their own children achievements to celebrate.
TBH I think your mum is one of those, I'd cross the road to avoid her or pretend I was sending text

ManicUnicorn Mon 20-Nov-17 16:16:05

It could just be my perception if things, and I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself lately but in all honesty even DF comments on how DB can do 'no wrong' in her eyes. She'll say things like 'oh, Manic is the academic one but DS is so much more practical'. Like a back handed compliment.

DM is an odd woman in general, but that's another thread.

TroubleinDaFamily Mon 20-Nov-17 16:18:56

My sisters and I have vaginas.

My brother has balls......

Golden balls.


ManicUnicorn Mon 20-Nov-17 16:21:47

Interestingly DM always jokes about me being the one who'll push her wheelchair around in her dotage. Not DB. Funny that.

Apileofballyhoo Mon 20-Nov-17 16:23:32

My DM was a lot softer and more protective of my DBs, while DSis and I were expected to get on with things. DM had/has issues regarding her mother though and I think she thinks men are somehow better than women whilst simultaneously being less capable and more vulnerable.

PollyPerky Mon 20-Nov-17 16:25:38

I think there are differences sometimes when parents get older OP. My DCs are your age but my parents are in their 90s. I work p/t and my brother f/t. But he has no children or partner. I sometimes feel my parents underestimate my busy life because I 'only' work p/t but I also do the lion's share of housekeeping in my own home, and run a business.
Generally I find that daughters are expected to give more of their time to their parents as they age, whereas sons are always said to be 'busy'. I've heard this a lot.

PollyPerky Mon 20-Nov-17 16:27:32

I find it a bit odd that your mum has this attitude when she is perhaps in her 50s. I can just about see it with older parents when the women stayed at home and did the bulk of the caring for their children and elderly parents, but things have changed a lot.

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