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DH Wifework Xmas gift Buying FFS, sorry AIBU

(87 Posts)
SJC2 Mon 20-Nov-17 15:19:06

I have NC for this as am fairly sure the very pleasant woman involved in a MNer and I don't want to upset anyone. But I do want advice/telling to get a grip.

DH is a good dad and husband but a terrible friend. He has abandoned all his mates in the 24 years I've known him. He is popular as he is sporty, very able (making things, DIY, brilliant with kids, big exciting projects etc) he is funny, witty, a good cook, generous etc. Occasionally a miserable bastard but mostly just cba with any communication - won't answer phone/texts/emails etc. no social media. Months go by and he won't speak to his parents, he never instigates contact with anyone. There are deeper reasons for this (MH issues) but not relevant here. He is NC with his family (other than parents) and has dropped everyone else over the years.

The AIBU is regarding his Goddaughter (GD) who is the child of his school friend. His friend is a high flyer and very wealthy, we are not. Made a big deal of choosing DH as a GP. I was concerned that DH would not fulfill his role (we're also atheist) and attempted to speak to his friend about it but was brushed off. As I predicted DH did not maintain a relationship with GD. I have chosen and sent gifts because although I reject all other wife work, I like the children, it is an honour to be asked and it is not a big deal. Last Xmas, DH friend called me in a rage on 21st December ranting and screaming that DH had not returned his calls and that the gifts sent were pointless as it was obviously me buying them for her. He was really angry. I didn't say much but he repeatedly shouted that I had to 'make him fucking well phone me' and there was the implication that I was in someway to blame for Dh not being in contact 'I know you're very busy with your business but he needs to see his friends' etc. I said very little and was quite stunned.

I told DH about the call and he sat with his head in his hands for a few minutes then apologised for the call, and left the room. About a week after Xmas I got a text message from friends wife apologising for not sending anything for our DC for Xmas (I didn't expect anything) and received a £20 amazon voucher by email.

Over the weekend I broached the subject with DH and he said he didn't want to discuss it. It is GD's birthday and Xmas in next month and I feel extremely uncomfortable about ignoring it.

AIBU to ask DH to make a decision either:

1) we tell them he cannot manage being GF but we would like to see them when possible (limited as we live 300 miles apart have no spare room and work 6 days a week)
2) we tell them we are sorry for all the poor communication and he then sets a phone alarm and actually phones/does gifts etc
3) we decide due to the anger displayed on phone we do not maintain contact but tell them this and end confusion/frustration

Or is it his relationship to manage as poorly as he wishes and I should get my nose out? AIBU to care?

I would prefer it if DH had friends and a social life but he has made it clear that he doesn't want this at all. Sorry this is so long.

SJC2 Mon 20-Nov-17 15:21:41

sorry for the very long boring post blush

Nikephorus Mon 20-Nov-17 15:23:42

I'd say it's his relationship to manage, YANBU to care, and the friend is a thoughtless bastard for his attitude towards you.

ArchchancellorsHat Mon 20-Nov-17 15:24:06

At the very least he needs to speak to the man about the aggressive call and tell him that he was well out of order and not to contact you again. The rest I'd say is his problem to deal with

Furgggggg12 Mon 20-Nov-17 15:25:50

His friend is a git. Wtf.

Don't do anything. DH's mess to fix.

SJC2 Mon 20-Nov-17 15:28:22

Thanks for kind replies. You are right but I lacked confidence to leave it and feel bad for the girl. The mum is a full time mum who also acts as social secretary to high flying man so I don't think they have any understanding of our situation.

Oddish Mon 20-Nov-17 15:29:32

I think the time for him to be a good godparent has passed. If he wants the relationship to drift just leave them all to it.

peachgreen Mon 20-Nov-17 15:29:35

Regardless of your DH's bad behaviour up to this point (really not on expecting you to maintain this relationship for him and fulfill that role), if anyone shouted at me that way DH would no longer be his friend out of principle. How vile.

sonjadog Mon 20-Nov-17 15:31:52

I would leave it to him and if you get an angry phone call from them again, tell them to call your DH and talk to him, and then hang up. Either he will get his act together or he won´t. You did warn the parents in advance.

happypoobum Mon 20-Nov-17 15:39:54

Leave it and don't answer the phone if he calls again.

This really isn't your problem.

Gemini69 Mon 20-Nov-17 15:40:30

I was really really confused by your Title tbh grin

wheresTheSunroof Mon 20-Nov-17 15:41:07

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Flouncer1 Mon 20-Nov-17 15:42:08

Leave it and ignore any contact from his friend. Both of them are out of order to involve you.

Shoxfordian Mon 20-Nov-17 15:42:48

Let him manage the contact with them and don't involve yourself

GoingRogue Mon 20-Nov-17 15:43:14

Not your problem, and after that phone call/rant I would take a huge step back. How old is the Granddaughter?

Jaxhog Mon 20-Nov-17 15:47:03

I'd say it's his relationship to manage, YANBU to care, and the friend is a thoughtless bastard for his attitude towards you.
Couldn't have put it better myself.

tiptopteepe Mon 20-Nov-17 15:49:43

I can understand why you are upset because its sad for the child but I think its true that actually its his relationship to neglect as he chooses.
The father should not have rang and shouted at you that was horrendous behaviour. I think even though its sad for the child you need to just take a step back from the whole thing and let him sort it or not sort it. Obviously your attempts to help are not appreciated by the family. If people can blame you they always will because you are the woman. The only way you can stop this is to accept no responsibility at all and not engage with any of them over it.
Both your partner and the GDs father are grown men who should be able to sort out things between themselves. Its lazy and selfish that they are all turning to you to make things better.

Jasminedes Mon 20-Nov-17 15:49:52

One of my godfathers never sent me presents, its really no big deal. I know he has no malice or bad intent, its just that life gets in the way. Its really not an important relationship to a child - yes you can have that as a godparent, but you can also have it without. You warned everyone, it turned out how you thought, no surprises. Just step back and if asked say you don't appreciate being shouted at for your kindness and trouble. The other guys wife also clearly thinks her husband was being unreasonable.

Jasminedes Mon 20-Nov-17 15:50:29

Also, how odd to phone and rant about thoughtful presents being sent? Who does that.

monkeywithacowface Mon 20-Nov-17 15:54:16

I would step right back out of it. How dare his friend phone and shout at you!?

DownTownAbbey Mon 20-Nov-17 15:56:26

Does DH's gobby friend have reason to think you yank DH's chains? Not because you actually do, but because DH uses you as his default excuse maybe? Either way he doesn't have any right to demand contact and presents.

kath6144 Mon 20-Nov-17 15:59:21

What a nasty man, ringing like that. Being GF is surely not just about buying gifts?

My DH has no mental health issues but is not a social person, most of our friends are people I have met over the years and their partners. He has never done social media.

He is still good friends with his best school friend, and Gf to his son, they both Godparents to our eldest. Opposite situation here, we have better jobs and more money. Dont see them much, they live where he grew up and we get back there once a year at most (but always see them when there). They dont come to us as have caring duties.

They always send something, albeit sometimes a little late for birthdays, and we are always grateful for whatever is received, the kids send thank yous etc.

I handle birthday/xmas for their son, as I am more organised and have more time, and always bear in mind that we are buying for 1, they for 2 (they always buy for our youngest as well).

We would never dream of making a call like that, and if I received one I would probably never speak to the person again. Why is a present pointless if bought by spouse?

Do they think your DH should do more as a GF? Neither the friends above, and our youngest's GP, are religious, they were picked for the friendship we have with them. They all are interested in our children but any more, including presents, is an extra.

I think I would be going with point 3 but make your DH send the email or whatever.

SJC2 Mon 20-Nov-17 16:00:54

Thanks for the replies, appreciate your perspective.

Answers to questions:

The GD is now 4.
I think the wife is embarrassed at her H's behaviour but she is very much the 'perfect mother' and I'm sure exasperated by DH ignoring her daughter.
It was a weird call. I was in a field when I answered and couldn't hear properly which I think frustrated him so I went to the car and then he started really yelling at me and making horrible accusations. He sounded like he'd been drinking and I wondered if it was a post-xmas do meltdown.

shutitandtidyupgitface Mon 20-Nov-17 16:04:38

The friend is an absolute cock. You don't make phone calls like that, for any reason.

Being a godparent is not something you opt in and out of, but considering they chose an antisocial athiest they obviously weren't takig it seriously in the slightest, so why should anyone else?

GoingRogue Mon 20-Nov-17 16:05:03

I know it's a bit of a cop out, but is sticking £20 in a card each Christmas and birthday an option? They still feel like he's making an effort to stay in touch, but it's minimum effort.

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