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Mum and Brother blame me for his drinking

(78 Posts)
AJ65 Mon 20-Nov-17 14:05:38

It's a long story, but my brother and I have not always got on. This causes my Mum pain, for which I am sorry, but don't know how to heal.

Recently he suggested we go out together in London, where I live, despite him living in the country with my Mum. I assumed we'd go to a matinee and grab a bite to eat before he went back to home in the evening, but he booked a hostel and pre-booked cinema tickets without my knowledge.

I was ill, but hoping to get better in time to go out last Friday. I spoke to our Mum on the Thursday and mentioned I was not well and later that day emailled him with apologies to say I couldn't make it after all.

On Saturday I got an email from my Mum saying he'd just arrived home from London looking sad and was rather drunk (for the first time in 6 months) as I'd cancelled. She'd been out from very early on the Friday so this was the first she'd heard about it.

I thought it over and emailled them both with further apologies early Saturday afternoon and haven't heard anything from either of them since.

Am I being unreasonable to expect a response? I apologised for cancelling, but take no responsibility for his decision to come into London and have a bender. Should I?

araiwa Mon 20-Nov-17 14:12:40

I would imagine your mum was more concerned about the sadness than the drinking.

For them, Cancelling the day before because you were ill sounds like a cop out regardless of what was wrong with you. It is easy to see how your mum sees your bro making an effort and you cancelling last minute and who she would blame

DeadGood Mon 20-Nov-17 14:14:25

Emailing to cancel an event like that is pretty poor form. You should have called.

Sirzy Mon 20-Nov-17 14:15:26

Although you can’t be held responsible for his drink surely you could have st least phoned him to apologise/rearrange not just send an email?

If he has gone out of his way to book things I can see why he wasn’t impressed. Could you not have at least met him for a little while?

KimmySchmidt1 Mon 20-Nov-17 14:15:59

I think it sounds like its you that is unkind to your brother, and him who takes it badly. i think you did the wrong thing in cancelling - you could at least have said I'm ill but come round to mine for a bit. what you did was incredibly hostile and mean, knowing he had booked tickets etc.

You are being manipulative and cruel to him, and we can all see through it, so I am sure they can. Did you even offer to rearrange when you cancelled?

You've been an arsehole over an event that was supposed to be a reconciliation. I think you need to do a massive amount to make it up to them.

AJ65 Mon 20-Nov-17 14:16:27

We mostly communicate by text/email unless physically in the same place. All the arrangements were made by email.

Fruitcorner123 Mon 20-Nov-17 14:17:59

But you spoke to your mum and emailed him.

araiwa Mon 20-Nov-17 14:20:44

A quick simple phone call could have avoided this whole thing with you looking like the bad guy

Fruitcorner123 Mon 20-Nov-17 14:22:00

Also your OP title says mum and brother blame me but you havent even spoken to your brother so how do you know that he blames you? You are annoyed with him for something he hasn't even said when he has every right to be annoyed with you.

AJ65 Mon 20-Nov-17 14:22:25

KimmySchmidt1 - as I said there's a lot of history. Including that it's difficult to invite him to mine except for family occasions because he and my husband don't get on and the last time my husband came to pick me up at my Mum's, my brother disappeared rather than speak to him.

Plus I said clearly that I did NOT know he had booked tickets. He never mentioned it and I honestly didn't think a hostel booking would be hard to cancel, especially on a Friday night.

AJ65 Mon 20-Nov-17 14:23:26

Fruitcorner123 - yes, I speak with my Mum on the phone, but barely ever with my brother. They live in the same house; she might've mentioned I wasn't well, if she'd remembered.

Sirzy Mon 20-Nov-17 14:23:36

But you did know he was going out of his way to travel to you and you still couldn’t even be arsed to pick up the phone to apologise!

araiwa Mon 20-Nov-17 14:27:56

Just admit you were wrong, apologise (not by fucking email- in person preferably or phone call at minimum) and as part of the apology make new plans to meet you both agree to

AJ65 Mon 20-Nov-17 14:28:14

Yes, Sirzy, I emailled him the evening before he was due to get a train up to London. I know he spends a lot of time on the internet, so that seemed reasonable.

Sirzy Mon 20-Nov-17 14:29:20

Did you get a reply to the email? If not then you should have backed it up with a call.

But tbh it sounds like you don’t like him anyway and no matter what he will be to blame!

Fruitcorner123 Mon 20-Nov-17 14:29:24

Was the arrangement with your mum and brother or just you and your brother? If just you and your brother then you should have spoken to him directly. You cant just assume your mum mentioned it.

I feel sorry for him but nundersand therea a back story. It sounds like he is trying to build bridges and if you were ill it sounds like they dont believe you.

Why dont you rearrange it and out some effort into planning it yourself lf you want a matinee and a meal book it.

AJ65 Mon 20-Nov-17 14:29:54

You know what, he could have called me to make the arrangments for what was supposed to be a 'birthday treat' for me!

SilverSpot Mon 20-Nov-17 14:30:47

But ride cancelling the day before without much warning.

Basically sounds like you don't like him!

araiwa Mon 20-Nov-17 14:31:53

Every poster has said yabu

Why post on aibu if youre not prepared to be wrong?

AJ65 Mon 20-Nov-17 14:32:05

Sirzy - I had an email back from him in the morning, long before he was due to catch the train, and I emailled him back to say again how sorry I was to cancel. I really was feeling dreadful with a hacking cough and today's the first day I've felt almost like myself again.

Fruitcorner123 Mon 20-Nov-17 14:32:56

But the email had worked for making arrangements. The problem is that if you cancel at fairly short notice you need to be sure the person has got the message in time and that would require a phone call. Its also more genuine which is why they probably doubt how ill you were.

It's like the fact that you can ask someone out over an email but its never good to dump them over an email. Its cowardly.

You havent shared the back story though which may explain a lot of the resentment you clearly have for your DBro

araiwa Mon 20-Nov-17 14:33:23

A cough??

Thats poor

HSMMaCM Mon 20-Nov-17 14:33:27

It's too late to make up for not calling him and inviting him to your house, or to reschedule.

How about calling to arrange a time when you can visit him? To make up for it.

Of course he was sad that his reconciliation attempt failed.

In future always call if it's a last minute change of plans.

AJ65 Mon 20-Nov-17 14:33:30

araiwi - surely the whole point of AIBU is to check whether or not you're being unreasonable. Clearly a lot of people here think I am being unreasonable, but that's a risk when you ask strangers about a complicated situation.

bibliomania Mon 20-Nov-17 14:33:40

He arranged a birthday treat for you, you cancelled at the last minute by email, and now you're acting all wounded and looking for sympathy? Your title is designed to make you look like the victim of unfair blaming.

You definitely owe him a massive apology.

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