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BU to just reduce the conversation to absolute minimum?

(27 Posts)
HateMondays Mon 20-Nov-17 13:49:49

DH and I have been together for more than 15 years. We both come from different countries, he never learned my language so we always speak in his mother tongue at home. I am fluent in his language and can speak it without any problems.
However, sometimes I find it difficult to find words when we are talking. I might be looking for the best expression and cannot find it. Or I have a migraine going on (which happens rather frequently) and then it's a real struggle for me to find the right word, it's like they are escaping me while I'm talking. He's not very talkative while I like talking a lot.
I am getting tired of his sarcastic comments when it takes me a second or two to find the right word when I'm talking. I am tired of him telling me he hates listening to me being quiet for a short while because I am looking for the right word. I am tired of his attempts at practical jokes when I see something or just read something and just say Oh My God or Jesus to which he answers (constantly) where. It puts me off any further conversation straight away.
I find it extremely humiliating and I told him that. I am tired of telling him that those sarcastic remarks and interruptions don't really help. It got to the point where I actually don't want to talk to him at all and only reduce the conversation to the bare minimum, answers when he asks something or just telling something factual like we need to buy milk. But I don't feel like talking to him about important stuff or confide in him, talk about my feelings because I just find them too valuable to be interrupted. There's nothing I can do about the way I talk. My brain just blocks the word and it needs few seconds to release it.
He knows I have lesions in my brain from a brain inflammation and that I have severe migraines and headaches which cause me to trip over my feet or stutter slightly.
I just don't feel like talking to him anymore. I have fibromyalgia and my anxiety and depressive and suicidal thoughts are a constant companion. I have enough control freak in me to be able to control those but I got to the stage where the next sarcastic remark may tip me over the edge. Sometimes I feel like walking out into the night and just keep walking till I die. I feel like my life has no sense. The only thing that keeps me alive is my sweet loving daughter who is the biggest cuddle monster and has the kindest heart ever. But I feel like she'd be better off without me after the first pain because I don't want to emotionally abuse her by making her feel responsible for my life and well being.
Right now I just don't really want to talk with DH at all. I don't want to be tripped into going away. Especially with Christmas coming, I would never want to do it for my DD. I don't want to sound like I'm passive aggressive to my DH by not wanting to talk to him. It's the fear of being fobbed off and shut down again with a supposedly funny remark that keeps me silent.

HateMondays Mon 20-Nov-17 13:58:13

I'm not a new user and this is genuine. Just changed my name for the thread.

Theworldisfullofidiots Mon 20-Nov-17 13:59:53

What do you get out of the relationship?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Mon 20-Nov-17 14:02:35

He is behaving like a total arsehole, and you deserve much better.

If I were you, I’d be very tempted to bite back at him, when he made fun of a me struggling to find a word - “Well - at least I have made the effort to learn your language - why don’t you learn mine, and then I will mock you for struggling with it!”

Does he have any redeeming features?

TrojansAreSmegheads Mon 20-Nov-17 14:04:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Glumglowworm Mon 20-Nov-17 14:08:08

Even without your medical issues he's being a total dick, with them even more so

It doesn't sound like you're getting much out of this relationship

If you want to stick it out I would make it clear that it's not acceptable for him to be mocking you constantly, that he never bothered to learn your language so he can bloody well put up with you hesitating in his.

HateMondays Mon 20-Nov-17 14:14:31

He actually does have redeeming features and can be nice and attentive, not in a psycho way, it just feels like he sometimes he switches off and gets totally impatient. It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
At least it got me to talk to my DD in my language more because when he starts being an arsehole I talk to her in my language. It pisses him off but I will probably just start answering to him in that too when he continues. When I actually feel like I can. Right now I don't want to talk at all.

Giraffey1 Mon 20-Nov-17 14:16:46

He sounds rather unkind.
And why has he made no effort to learn your language when you have so clearly made an effort to learn his?

HateMondays Mon 20-Nov-17 14:18:46

And why has he made no effort to learn your language when you have so clearly made an effort to learn his?

He genuinely tried. Took courses, tried learning with DD but his vocabulary is still reduced to few phrases.

monkeywithacowface Mon 20-Nov-17 14:19:58

I would talk to him but only in your own language from now on. Might make him appreciate the effort you have gone to over the years.

FizzyGreenWater Mon 20-Nov-17 14:25:27

Yep, your language from now on.

'Sorry I am too tired to work in your language right now, as you can tell, you find it irritating when I have to think of a word so this is probably better for you anyway.'

BitOutOfPractice Mon 20-Nov-17 14:26:30

Abusive men are not abusive all the time. They like to play the good cop bad cop routine to keep you on the back foot, doubting yourself.

He sounds horrible. Demeaning and belittling you. Would you tolerate that for your DD? I bet you wouldn't.

I suspect he does this because you clearly being better at talking / communicating / language makes him feel inferior. So he puts you down to make himself feel better. And that s not the action of a man who loves you

MrsOverTheRoad Mon 20-Nov-17 14:26:52

The language issue is a red herring...or, rather, it's not the main issue.

You're irritated with him showing you no care or patience.

poisoningpidgeysinthepark Mon 20-Nov-17 14:31:38

I have a similar issue with my DH. I occasionally put him in a room with my parents, who don't speak his language half as well as I do, and leave him to make conversation with them. Funny how he appreciates me so much more after a couple of hours of that.

Sarahjconnor Mon 20-Nov-17 14:33:06

Hold on, he 'tried' and failed but ridicules you when you are bi lingual? What an utter twat. Is English your language or his because you write very well. I think he's putting you down to cover for his own pathetic inadequacies.

HateMondays Mon 20-Nov-17 14:33:27

You're irritated with him showing you no care or patience.

I am not irritated, you see. I'm not even angry or anything like that. Just tired. Too tired. Just fed up with everything. Just feeling like nothing makes any sense anymore. Like my life has no meaning and sense. I feel almost empty.

RagingFemininist Mon 20-Nov-17 14:46:25

I get you OP. English is my second la gauge, I don’t have any brain issues and I still have issues sometimes finding the words (here for nearly 20 years so it’s not as if I don’t know the words - s they just don’t come. I imagine, it wouod be even harder if it’s a language you are speaking only at home)

I think he is very unkind and I wouod have told him that if he thinks it’s so easy to learn a foreign language whilst your mastery of his is spoor, then he should learn your language and you would all speak it together instead.
He can’t put yu down like this constantly whilst not being able to do the wry thing he is criticising you about.

I appreciate you’ve already told him how hurtful he is and asked to stop.
I’m not sure what else yI u ca;do bar telling him what you said in your OP. That you don’t feel like talking to him anymore and this will sureky destroy yur marriage. Does he really want That?

And btw, please carry on talking your language to your dd. You have no idea what the future will hold for you and it’s very important that she can speak your language just in case you need to go back to your home country.

RagingFemininist Mon 20-Nov-17 14:47:59

MrsOver I’m not sure I understood you there.
Are you saying it’s the OP fault because she has irritated him by not speaking his language well enough???

RagingFemininist Mon 20-Nov-17 14:48:47

Or because she is getting annoyed of being out down constantly because of her SMALL issue with words??

Serin Mon 20-Nov-17 14:49:46

What help are you getting for the Depression, Anxiety and Suicidal Thoughts OP?

CorbynsBumFlannel Mon 20-Nov-17 14:53:14

It sounds as if you are struggling and this is the last straw.
Have you spoken to your gp about how you're feeling?
I would imagine that his snide comments are a result of him feeling ashamed that he couldn't learn a second language bu there's no need for him to take it out on you. I'd tell him that since your 'poor' use of his language irritates him so much it would be better if you speak in your language from now on. Immersion might help him learn and if your dd can manage it I'm sure he will.

HateMondays Mon 20-Nov-17 14:58:41

What help are you getting for the Depression, Anxiety and Suicidal Thoughts

I was on amitriptyline but it made me feel like a zombie and I had to stop it. I react very strongly to medication (I am very petite and the adult doses are seriously bringing me down). I am not talking about those thoughts a lot, to be honest and didn't talk about them with my GP and neither with my neurological consultant. I don't want to get more and more medications which just makes me feel like I'm surrounded by cotton wool.

meercat23 Mon 20-Nov-17 15:00:21

If he couldn't manage to learn your language, and not everyone has that ability, then he has even less justification to mock you if you occasionally stumble when speaking his language.

DiegoMadonna Mon 20-Nov-17 15:06:18

Talk in your language and then when he doesn't know the words to respond, laugh and belittle him for it.

whiskyowl Mon 20-Nov-17 15:15:56

This sounds exhausting. Working in a second language is tiring enough, let alone when you are under this kind of pressure. And he has absolutely no bloody business criticising you when he isn't speaking in your language.

To be honest, when you can't even speak to each other without there being an issue that drives you to depression and suicidal thoughts, there's not really much left in the relationship. I think you might find that your mood and wellbeing improve if you're not having to deal with him being a compete dickhead all the time.

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