Talk

Advanced search

see parents before they die

(67 Posts)
lakeg Sun 19-Nov-17 15:16:06

Went nc with parents two years back. Years of severe abuse starvation isolation and more

Now everyone i.e. friends and family are pressuring me to resume contact cause they might die.

They have always denied all abuse and nc happened after dm called me a mistake.

i always knew that.

do you think i should resume contact cause apparently i am going to have regrets if i dont

thank you for reading

Justbookedasummmerholiday Sun 19-Nov-17 15:18:48

I am nc with both my dps also. Dm for 5 years, before that 10. And df over 20 years. I have no intention of making contact before they die. Why would I?
And why should you?
Don't let anyone guilt trip you into anything. Sounds like your nc is well justified.

abbsisspartacus Sun 19-Nov-17 15:20:51

I went nc with my mom and my sister just got back in contact with them and yet again she (my mom) has let me down

SilentlyScreamingAgain Sun 19-Nov-17 15:21:59

I didn't speak to my mother in the two years preceding her death. My only regret is that I didn't stop sooner.

FizzyGreenWater Sun 19-Nov-17 15:22:09

Nope.

Your life, your only shot at it. Do it the best you can for you and those who love you.

Don't sacrifice it and spoil it for the sake of those who very much don't.

abbsisspartacus Sun 19-Nov-17 15:22:21

I'm thinking low contact is in order here for me personally would that be something you would want or are you unbothered? Don't do it for other people do what you want it's your life

AuntieStella Sun 19-Nov-17 15:22:39

Do you have a reliable source of information about them?

Is there any reason to think death is imminent?

Because if not, put this out of your mind.

jaseyraex Sun 19-Nov-17 15:23:11

My DH is nc with his parents. I've never met them and it seems I never will. He has no intention of getting in touch with them even if they're on their death bed. I mean, why would you want to see people who put you through so much pain and misery? It's up to you OP, don't give in to the pressure if you're not interested.

kootoo123 Sun 19-Nov-17 15:24:22

Why would you regret it? If they did the things you say then they are not worth their time. Forget them and let them rot guilt free.

If the falling out was for disagreement that spiralled then id agree with your family but neglect and abusers can f off.

Pay them no more mind UNLESS you have something to say to them you haven't already.

deckoff Sun 19-Nov-17 15:26:12

The only problem is that that could take years or decades for them to actually die, and undo the whole mental point of going NC in the meantime.

Have they reached out to you and apologised, acknowledged the problems, begged forgiveness? I'm guessing not. So it's just another form of "flying monkey".

From what I've read, you can definitely have regrets when abusive parents die. You mourn and occasionally idealise "them" but also grieve the parents you never had.

Have you ever had therapy in real life with someone who can talk it over with you? I'd recommend that before anything else. flowers

Nonameyet1 Sun 19-Nov-17 15:27:31

You are an adult, you get to choose if you want to see them. If they die, they die. It may make you feel a sense of relief when they do. Look after your own wellbeing.

Namechangetempissue Sun 19-Nov-17 15:28:29

My DH was NC with his shitfather for over ten years. He decided not to go to the funeral when he died as in his word 'he is a stranger to me, I don't like him, it would be hypocritical of me to pretend I did'.
He doesn't regret it three years on.

pallisers Sun 19-Nov-17 15:30:18

Years of severe abuse starvation isolation and more

Why on earth would you regret it? We are all going to die. It doesn't excuse our bad behaviour.

Tell people you have made your decision for very serious reasons and don't need any discussion now about it. Just don't discuss.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sun 19-Nov-17 15:34:36

People have no bloody right or business pressuring you. How dare they.
You owe your parents nothing.

Capricorn76 Sun 19-Nov-17 15:35:34

Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for not seeing your DPs. I know someone who refused to see her DF on his deathbed and despite various relatives trying to guilt trip her she never regretted it. She remembers him as the man who held a knife to her DMs throat after years of abuse and after that night, her mother took her away and they never agreed to see him again for the 30ish years until his death.

JosephineBucket Sun 19-Nov-17 15:36:21

I'm NC with a couple of family members due to abuse (thankfully not DPs) and have had to learn accept that there won't be any dramatic death bed reconciliation as they won't acknowledge they did any wrong.

Would you think counselling could be useful in working through your feelings?

Mustang27 Sun 19-Nov-17 15:38:25

No I wouldn’t. Sounds like a similar upbringing to mine. I’d not care one iota if they died tomorrow.

There is nothing in it for you, you owe these people nothing.

I’m sorry you had to endure that flowers

Hoppinggreen Sun 19-Nov-17 15:39:48

I finally went Mc with my father when I found out I was pg - there was no way I was going to expose my child to his shit
When he was ill in hospital my brother asked me to go and see him as he was dying. I refused as firstly I didn't really care me secondly he used to pretend to be dying regularly to try and manipulate me
I didn't go to the funeral either - no regrets at all

StealthNinjaMum Sun 19-Nov-17 15:40:36

It's a slightly different situation but I didn't invite one of my parents to my wedding. The parent not invited found out and was upset. You wouldn't believe how many interfering friends told me I had to invite both parents and I would regret it. Nearly a decade on I still don't. I do still have a sort of relationship with that parent and my wedding has never been brought up.

My point is there are lots of people who have had happy family relationships and they just don't understand why you would ever go low contact or no contact. Ignore them and don't feel bad. You know what your parents have done to you, they weren't there. If you have really thought about it and understand yourself then you should be able to come up with your answer.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 19-Nov-17 15:42:34

If your friends and family are saying this, have they actually been through such awful abuse themselves? Or are they in denial of their abuse?

The only regret I could think of was not cutting those arseholes off sooner. Yes, you may feel incredible guilt and pain when they die because of your feelings toward them. Or you may feel nothing at all if you’ve reconciled with your past although I’m assuming not though as you wouldn’t be posting asking us. But your feelings won’t change whether you see them or not.

The only thing I would consider doing is forgiving them. At a soul level. To have done what they did, they must be very damaged people, who were quite probably abused themselves. Forgiveness for you, to alleviate your pain, not them. And you certainly don’t have to see them to do that. You can send your forgiveness out in the universe. Different people have different viewpoints on the forgiveness front so it’s just a suggestion, not a dictat.

If these people won’t stop, and you decide not to see your parents, please protect yourself from them too. It could easily spill over into insidious abuse.

Butterymuffin Sun 19-Nov-17 15:42:46

No, don't bother yourself with them. And tell people who say you should that they severely abused you and there's no going back from that.

StefMay Sun 19-Nov-17 15:47:50

There's a reason for NC - that reason remain and they are unlikely to have had a personality transplant
I had NC for 9 years, then spoke and got shat on again so NC for 12yrs now - best decision EVER.

Your life to choose who you want in it and "family" is not a legal obligation. No regrets here

mylaptopismylapdog Sun 19-Nov-17 15:49:30

No as Mustang says you owe them nothing and your friends and family should accept that.There is also the risk the people pressuring you are looking to share the burden of dealing with them. How much better is your life now without abuse? Any parent should want a life without abuse for their child yours didn’t. Don’t waver just savour the lack of abuse.

Splinterz Sun 19-Nov-17 15:50:19

You do what you need to do.

If you need to see them, then do so. If you don't need to see them then don't. But, if you don't and you are possibly prone to regrets, then it will be too late to reverse that decision. However you may be comfortable with that decision.

ElephantsandTigers Sun 19-Nov-17 15:50:41

Have you got anything you still need to say to them nd would you get the response you want and deserve back? If so, then I'd think about seeing them but if not, no.

I went NC with my birth mother before it was a thing. It's been 25 years or more since I last saw my mother and a few years since we have had contact albeit via a solicitor. I have lately been thinking about writing to her but dh has pointed out I won't get what I want back. I think he is right so I won't write. Having said that she is mid sixties and I'm aware she could die at any time but also live another 20 years. I am worried I'll be sad if I was to find out she had died but I also know I would feel huge relief as then my children will be safe from her.

I'm sad I'll never get closure with her but it's more I'm sad I never had a mum.

Go with your gut, what feels right for you and don't worry about what other people think.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now