To want to stay home a bit longer..

[crazycatlady5]

Aibu?

I’ve been on maternity since December. I’m due to start working again in January but I’m absolutely dreading it. It’s not like the normal anxieties, I actually really want to be able to look after her at home for longer than her one year of life.

My husband earns a pretty decent salary, not talking triple figures but pretty good. After all his outgoings (rent etc) he is still left around £3/3.5k to play with each month.

We have always split bills and everything down the middle even though I earned half what he did. I never made a fuss about this as I am not a money grabber. Having said that, since I’ve been on maternity, he’s given me around £400 a month as extras.

I really want to approach the subject of staying at home with or daughter but for some reason it sits uncomfortably with me as I have always earned my own money and have never wanted to be a ‘kept woman’ - but my friend rightfully pointed out today, it’s different now. We are married and have a family, we are a team. I am actually quite jealous of those couples of have joint accounts as that is out of the question for us (his parents told him at a young age never to get a joint account with anyone )

Aibu to want to stay off work for a while longer and ask to be looked after?!

Ps. It may sound like he is incredibly tight, he isn’t, he pays for dinners out and gifts and lots of lovely things and has also been entirely responsible for building up a chunk of savings for a mortgage (that we don’t have yet)

[crazycatlady5]

Bump!

[Sparklesdontshine]

Our circumstances sound very similar! I would also like to stop working, but no advice unfortunately

[Stretchoutandwait]

I don't think I would ever risk being financially dependent on a man who wasn't willing to have a joint account. Far too many depressing threads on here about women with no access to money other than what their partner is prepared to give them.

[limon]

Mybhonest answer is that you need to discuss this as a couple . You have no more.right to stay home than he does.

It's not unreasonable to want to but it woyod be unreasobable to expect to.

Btw if you have over £3k a.month left after outgoings as a couple you are very, very wealthy indeed.

[crazycatlady5]

@Stretchoutandwait I worry about that being asked so many questions about why I need x amount more when I got x amount last week. So stressful!

[buzzbuzzbumblebee]

Even when I was working (I got £200 less than DH), he still paid for all of the bills. The only thing I paid for was food.

I left my job last June and it was a dip in income, but we managed to get through it!

If he’s getting that much money left to play with, then I don’t see why he wouldn’t be okay with you not working.

Would it be possible to cut down your hours if you still want to earn your own money? Then you could pay for a childminder for a a couple of days a week.

My SIL is a senior social worker, she dropped down to 3 days a week and pays for a childminder for the days she’s at work.

[buzzbuzzbumblebee]

Me and DH have our own accounts where money goes into (he has his wages and I have child benefit). But then we have a joint account which has the spending money in.

Would he be open to doing that?

[MummySparkle]

Yanbu

[expatinscotland]

'We have always split bills and everything down the middle even though I earned half what he did. I never made a fuss about this as I am not a money grabber. Having said that, since I’ve been on maternity, he’s given me around £400 a month as extras.'

WTAF? What kind of person does this with his/her spouse? I wouldn't quit work at all if I were married to such a person. But stay in FT employment and say we will be putting all money in one pot, pay bills and everyone gets equal spends.

[Stretchoutandwait]

If he has £3K+ left after all outgoings then he must have a very high salary (more than enough to support a SAHM). However it sounds like he considers it his money and not family money, which rings alarm bells for me.

[crazycatlady5]

@limon I would agree that he is very comfortable, I on the other hand would always have about £450 to play with in a month for all food etc.

But he ALWAYS seems to worry about money worrying about paying £20 off his credit card ASAP and never going into his overdraft. He seems to have a really irrational fear of being out of a job even though his job is solid and he has two other careers to fall back on. I should really be grateful that he is so careful and wary!

[YellowMakesMeSmile]

It sounds like if he wanted to quit and stay home he'd have no option and you wouldn't support him so asking him to do the same seems wrong.

It's also vital to keep your own financial independence, his mother was wise to guide him finance wise and we should be telling girls to rely on themselves and not a man.

Would he be open to you dropping a few hours each so that you both got more time with your little one rather than you getting it all and him having to work to cover that?

[bridgetreilly]

You need to have a proper conversation with him. Explain about being a family and a team. Say that you've been thinking about staying home longer and that you would like to do that but that it needs to be a whole family decision, and you would need to agree in advance how you would ALL work out the financial implications of that. If he's nervous of a joint account, maybe you agree an amount (or a percentage of his take home salary?) that automatically gets transferred to you each month so that you don't have to keep asking. You'll be contributing to the family in a non-financial way, obviously.

[dramallamakarma]

Would you consider part time? That’s if you worked full time before.

[LaurieFairyCake]

Surely he’s going to be paying out in proportion to his salary ie. vast majority of paying for the childcare if you go back ?

[Happydoingitjusttheonce]

Mumsnet has convinced me that unless a woman was independently financially secure before having kids, she should never give up work to stay at home with the kids. If woman chose to they need to accept the trade off

[Escapepeas]

I think you should be extremely cautious about giving up your financial independence. I see so many women on here who do that and then end up in difficulties.

Also, it sounds like your DH might not be that happy about being the sole source of income. I’m sure it would be lovely to not work, but there are a lot of ramifications for you and for you both as a couple to give up work.

[baritonehome]

financially it's sounds like a doddle but he is financially controlling. To 'give' you £400 monthly in mat leave. jeez.

I would not even consider making myself financially dependent from him let alone do it.

who will pay for childcare when you return to work?

[Chewbecca]

Is returning part time an option?

It was a while ago now for me but I found I didn't want to return after a year. Managed to agree a 2 day week which I kept up until full time school. Now with teens I work 70% & am so glad I returned and kept my continuity of service, even though I found it hard for a week or two.

[crazycatlady5]

Is returning part time an option?

Yes that was the plan, so maybe I’ll just go ahead with that. Working two days a week though with the job I do wouldn’t make sense as most of that would go on commuting (I have just moved out of london
Thanks for your input

[Parisa78]

I'm sorry OP because you sound lovely, but I find this very shocking. How can you be married with a child and not have shared finances?

Surely if you trust someone enough to make a child with them, you can trust them with your bank account?

You are not flatmates - you are married. You are a family!

Of course YANBU to want to stay home with your baby a bit longer. You can afford it. He needs to step up and support his family like a normal husband and father.

Do not accept this business of being given an allowance like a child. You are his wife fgs! You can't carry on like this.

If he has some kind of neurosis over money then he needs psychological help because this is NOT normal.

[hoppityhophop]

I think if you want to do it and have the finances to do so then go for it. I know the norm these days is to go back to work and be working mum etc etc but I am old fashioned in that I want to be at home with my kids. I feel that’s what I was meant to be doing with my life. It goes by so quickly that if I’m working I’ll miss out on stupid every day things and it’ll be gone

[Ijustlovefood]

Have the chat with your dh. I definitely recommend staying at home for longer if you can and want to. You are a team and you are not a 'kept woman'.

[SittingAround1]

I strongly recommend you go back part time. Keep your foot in the door of your career. You might not always want or be able to stay at home so it's good to have options.

[Ijustlovefood]

Hoppityhop I feel the same as you.