DD's friend stealing from her - WWYD?

[iwouldgoouttonight]

DD's best friend keeps taking things from DD when she comes round to play. They're both 8. It's not every time and it's always something small like a Shopkin or a teddy bear's T-shirt. Her friend's mum knows she has done it in the past as she's found DD's things hidden in her daughter's room and given them back to us. But she hasn't really disciplined her about it, and she sneaks the things out so she doesn't have to confront her daughter about it.

We're good friends with them and they've been through a horrendous time (the death of DD's friend's father and both grandparents in a short space of time) and they're both still dealing with it all. So I've been quite laid back about it as the stealing is possibly a result of everything she's dealing with and I don't want to kick up a fuss and make my friend feel even worse. She has to deal with all her daughter's emotions all by herself, often spending night after night lying with her while she sobs herself to sleep about her dad. So I completely understand she doesn't feel able to deal with yet another thing.

However, DD has noticed another couple of things missing since her friend came round. We have no proof it was her and they could just be lost in the house (although we have looked everywhere we can think of). I don't want to accuse her friend of taking them in case she hasn't (she'll probably deny it anyway). But DD is feeling sad about it. She just said 'she'd supposed to be my best friend, why would she take my stuff?' Now whenever we can't find something DD automatically assumes her friend took it. But she doesn't want to confront her and upset her.

Not quite sure what to do. I definitely don't want to lose their friendship.

[Pickleypickles]

I guess let your daughter make the decision on whether she wants to be friends with the girl but that doesbt mean you cant be friends with the mum still who sounds like a decent person in need of some support. In terms of the stealing if you dont want to raise it as an issue juat mention to the mum that some things have gone missing and could she check whether they are at hers.

[fleurjasmine]

Could the friend be jealous of your DD?

[iwouldgoouttonight]

I guess she could be jealous, DD still has her dad and all her grandparents. She has less than her friend in terms of material things but I guess that's not much compensation when you're grieving. DD loves her, they're properly best friends, so she would rather let it lie. But it's bothering me more I think. I'd bought some nice silver thread and glitter for us to make decorations with and left it on the side. Now I can't find it anywhere and DD said that's just the kind of sparkly thing her friend would like. So now I have to go out and buy more and we can't make decorations today. But I know that is nothing compared to what they're going through.

[fleurjasmine]

It's good you aren't being too harsh. The little girl has been through a lot, but that doesn't mean you have to allow yourselves to be sitting ducks for the artful dodger!

Not sure what to suggest really other than trying to lock valuables (not just in monetary terms) away - I know you shouldn't have to.

[cees]

You don't need to be harsh but you do need to tell the other mum. It will keep happening and resentment will build plus you need to set an example and show your own child its wrong to steal. You are letting this kid treat your daughter like crap, so put a stop to it. You just have a word with her mum and start from there.

[Candlelight234]

I wouldn't like this grieving or not, it's stealing.
I would ask the mother matter of fact is the glittery thread at your house? The other mother should be dealing with it and for their sakes the sooner it's nipped in the bud the better, or else the stealing may progress into higher value stuff or from shops.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Oh this is sad. I did this a few times when I was young (about the same age), OP. It wasn't about the person whom I was stealing from, it was about 'getting a bit of their life' because mine was really sad and bad a the time. I had a fixation with soap, of all things, and used to pinch that. We had soap at home but it wasn't the nice smelling stuff and I craved that so badly.

I think what you could do, if you like this little girl, is to get her on her own and just say to her, "You're welcome here whenever you want, we love having you. I know that you've been taking some of DDs things and it's making her sad because you're her friend. What do you need? If we have it, you can have it if it's spare to give you".

You absolutely MUST talk to her mum about this because it's not something that your daughter is going to keep putting up with and the next thing will be that she doesn't want to see this particularly girl anymore... and that could be devastating for this child.

Also, your daughter needs to see that you're in her corner and that you will back her up and get this stopped before it goes too far.

But I truly believe this girl is trying to re-create bits of your daughter's life for herself, with some tangible 'souvenirs' and it can't go on but please engage with the child's mum and let her know that it has to stop.

Now, I buy very much beautiful soap. I'm still fixated with it and the sky's the limit. I have cupboards full of it that nobody's allowed to touch.

Poor little kid...and your poor DD.

[Notevilstepmother]

I think if your dd is old enough to ask the question, she is old enough to think about the answers.

I would say to her;

Do you think x is taking things for a reason?

Do you think maybe x is very sad about her daddy and her grandparents and maybe she took the sparkly thread to try to feel better?

Do you think it will make her feel better really?

Do you think she deliberately made you sad?

It’s naughty of her to take things, do you think I should tell her off?

What would you do if you were the mummy?

I think, as you said, compared to what she is going through it’s not that big a deal.

Letting your daughter think about it might help support the friendship.

I would mention it to her mum, simply because I’d want to know if it was my child, but I’d also make it clear that you are not saying it to cause trouble.

[fleurjasmine]

You explained that really well, Lying

[Maplestaple]

For me the issue would be about teaching your daughter that stealing is not ok no matter what is going on in your life.

You must speak to the girls Mum.

[iwouldgoouttonight]

Thanks all. Lying that's really helpful to see from another perspective, sorry you went through a shitty time in childhood too. I will speak to her mum, in a non accusing way. I'd want to know if DD was stealing.

[Justgivemesomepeace]

A little girl that lived over the road used to steal dd's things when she came over. They were 6 or 7. The parents weren't often there, she had about 3 older siblings in their teens who tended to look after her so there was no point going to try and talk to the parents. I didn't want to stop her coming over because I felt sorry for her. I used to be really open with the little girl and say ' you can come in and play, but don't be pinching anything'. Then on the way out I'd say ' have you taken anything, are you sure? ' and check there was nothing up her sleeves. Occasionally I'd find a lid lipstick or something tucked away up there. She used to come in to get warm because I don't think they has much money for gas etc. She didn't seem offended and no one came and complained.