Credit card Statements and OH

[elfish1980]

Opinions wanted please!

I am a SAHM so at the moment I'm not earning. Me and my OH are both happy with this, it was a mutual decision for me to give up work. All of the money he earns is joint/family money and we each have savings accounts in both our own names and jointly. Our house is also owned 50/50.

Each month, his wages go into our joint account and all bills/savings are paid from there. We then each have a set amount we receive each into our own accounts that we can spend as we wish. We've no debts, and are in a steady financial position.

We each put all of our household spending (fuel, groceries etc) on our individual credit cards (for points/cashback) then pay the bills in full each month from the joint account. I've always had online statements - even before I was a SAHM - that I go through each month and pay, and I send OH an email with a detailed breakdown of the joint bill. I don't mind doing this as it makes sense to keep a check on how much we're spending in supermarkets etc

Just recently he's been saying he wants to see and go through my statements. I've said no because there are things (mainly Xmas gifts for him) that I don't want him to see but I've explained why and said come January if he really wants to see them, he can but I don't understand why he needs to as I give him a breakdown anyway.

He's basically said he doesn't think the breakdowns are accurate and he wants to see for himself. I don't have a huge problem with this after Xmas really but AIBU to feel a bit miffed? I don't have anything to hide but I do feel like I should be able to have some degree of privacy on what I spend my own money on if I want it. I don't know, I just feel like demanding to inspect someone else's credit card transactions is a bit off. Is it just me?

[MiraiDevant]

Sit down and talk again about money.
He shouldn't need to see your statements at all but it is not unreasonable that you jointly discuss how the joint money is spent. You should both go through all your statements together - unless you agree each to have a separate private fixed amount of money to do as you please with.

If money is a bit tight or he has noticed the real pressure of losing an income - it often impacts more than you think it will - then maybe time for a rethink on the way the money is handled . That is what I would suggest.

I would hate seeing money disappear and not know where it had gone. I would also hate having my spending questioned - so between you you need to talk this through.

[hatters]

Sounds really off! He basically says you are lying or making regular mistakes with the breakdown.

Is he expecting to see all your statements now, or is this just a check? Either way, it sounds like you are more open than you need to be already!

Is he disputing how much of 'your' spending money and how much is 'joint' has gone through the credit cards?

Can you double check it yourself and reassure him that it's accurate? If that's not enough, the lack of trust would concern me.

[IslingtonLou]

So is he insinuating that you’re lying about the balance total or that you’re spending much more than usual?

I don’t get how the breakdown can’t be accurate if the money is directly going to your credit card, it’s not like you’re secretly pocketing it. Or does he think you’re lying about what you have said you spent money on? Like you said £400 grocery shopping and he thinks it’s £200 groceries and £200 on something else?

I think this is his way of saying that you’re spending too much for him and he’s trying to check up on you

[PaintingByNumbers]

Is he sharing his with you as well? My first thought would be that he is spending on things and projecting onto you, but I am suspicious that way. Agree with poster above, you need a full and frank discussion about this. Perhaps a separate disposable income amount is needed for each of you, that is a no questions asked spend account?

[elfish1980]

We each have a set amount each month into individual accounts to spend as we wish he's not interested in what I spend that on. It is joint money. He's saying he doesn't think the breakdowns I give him for the joint expenditure (groceries/fuel/clothes and stuff for DS) on my credit card are right (they are!) and he wants to see from himself.

[elfish1980]

He doesn't actively show me his credit card statements but he prints them off and files them (I never have, it's all done online) and they are available to me if I wanted to look at them. I've never bothered - the only time he actually says 'don't look' is around my birthday etc.

[Biker47]

I think unless you're both taking out equal ammounts each month to spend how you wish, (including xmas presents), then there should be transparency. And surely you could just print out statements and black out where the money has been spent and he won't know what the presents are until xmas? You've already said you're happy for him to see them in January, so it's only really the fact that there's presents on them stopping you.

[Justbookedasummmerholiday]

I would be tell him if he doesn't trust your spending then you are happy to hand the running of the house over to him. Point him in the direction of the shops.

[ScreamingValenta]

It seems a bit strange that you've bought gifts for him using a card which is then paid off from your joint household account, rather than using the monthly amount you say you receive into your personal account to spend as you wish. Given that it's part of your joint finances, I think it's reasonable for you to go through them together (after Christmas if needs be) - perhaps in future you could keep your gift spending completely separate from the household stuff, so this problem wouldn't arise.

[IslingtonLou]

Okay so he specifically wants the credit card statement which is just used for household expenditure. I would just show it as it’s not your personal debit card. The fuel, groceries etc can easily be proven with the statement.

So you paid for his xmas presents with your credit card and that’s the main thing you don’t want him to see? Could you scan/take a photo of your statement and scribble out the names of anything identifying for the presents, then email it to him?

Or am I missing something here?

[NapQueen]

Why waste time with a break down

Just pribt them feom online and file with his.

[Ginfiend]

instead of giving you a suggestion that he doesn't trust you, is there any reason why he is suddenly taking an interest? Is he secure in his job? About to come in financial difficulty? gambling?

I'm not suggesting that he is, but rather than looking at why he might not trust you, maybe look at why he wants to know

[Badhairday1001]

I think as his are printed and available to you it is not unreasonable for him to want to have a look at yours. Like you said he only wants to see the joint expenditure not your private spending which seems fair enough. He might be looking to make savings or just get a better picture himself of where joint money is being spent. It would be totally unreasonable for him to want to look at your private spending but he hasn't done that.

[ThePinkPanter]

Is it maybe higher than expected because he would assume his presents would be coming out of your personal spends instead of necessities?

[elfish1980]

My private spending goes on that card too - I make two payments each month, one from the joint account to cover joint expenses and one from my own account to cover anything that is mine (nothing exciting, it's usually haircuts, clothes, make up etc) to pay the bill in full. I always do a breakdown so that I know what is joint and what is mine, and then drop him an email with the joint details. It's always the same within about £30-50 each month.

Again I don't have anything to hide and after Xmas he can see them. It's just the principle of it that's annoying me, I've told him it makes me feel like he doesn't trust me.

I might just change the way I spend joint money and use the joint account directly. Then he can see exactly where the joint money is going whenever he wants and I'll keep my credit card for my own spending. We only use the credit card for everything because we get points and cash back anyway.

We're not in financial difficulty and he's definitely not a gambler! Obviously being on one income we watch what we spend but we're doing fine.

[elfish1980]

His presents do come out of my personal spends, i put them on the cc then clear that bit of the bill from my own account.

[YellowMakesMeSmile]

Just use your personal spends for his Christmas presents and give him the statements. At the end of the day he is paying for it all so has a right to see the finances.

It sounds like the insecurity of being the only earner has kicked in and he's being precautions over money which is understandable.

[JohnHunter]

I like MiraiDevan's approach of sitting down to look through the family finances together. He might well be feeling the pressure of meeting the family expenses even if - ideally - this pressure should be shared.

[TeenTimesTwo]

We used to have 3 CCs, One for me, one for DH, and one in my name but DH as a co-holder. The joint one we used for household, and the individual ones for personal spends. Would that help longer term?

[LondonGirl83]

I would just have two credit cards- one for joint expenses which he has full access to and one for your personal use.

If he wants to double check the budget I wouldn't be insulted. We all make mistakes and he might just want to double check if something seems off. If he is insinuating you are intentionally fiddling the figures you have a bigger problem in your marriage regarding trust.

Only you know which one it is

[ThePinkPanter]

I would just show him with the presents scored out then. If he doesn't regularly do the groceries, I bet he wildly underestimates how expensive it is to feed a family.

[kath6144]

It sounds totally controlling and that he really doesnt trust you, which is not good for a marriage. Why doesn't he believe your breakdowns are correct? That seems the basic question to ask him, ie why does he think you are lying about the breakdowns?

Maybe as someone else said he is projecting his problems on you?

The only resolution would be for you to have two credit cards, one for personal spending, one for the household stuff, but really, why should you? It comes down to trust!

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

It sounds like he does gift spending as well on his cc

[lunabear1]

DH and I have the joint account that the mortgage, bills, food, phone bills etc come out of, a joint savings and a joint CC with a 6k limit for holidays and emergencies. We then each have our own single accounts with savings accounts. So very similar to what you do! I would say maybe get rid of the individual credit cards and have a joint one and use your monthly money for your treats? or just get the food and things for you LO from the joint account?

It does sound funny but when we've had a lower income/more outgoings through one way or another my dh gets a bit panicky thinking we're broke and wanting to know everything about the accounts (which i manage) usually a full breakdown, reminding him he's being daft and looking at ways to save money (that never end up in place) usually sorts it out!

[IslingtonLou]

It’s annoying that he isn’t taking your word for it but just show him. Who cares if you have personal payments on it too if that is not part of the emailed breakdown. Especially as you intend to show him it in January anyway

He gives you access to his statements, and just wants to clarify the expenditures. Which is fine in a partnership, being clear about finances is important.