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AIBU to expect my family to donate/help

(42 Posts)

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namechangefriday Sat 18-Nov-17 01:12:35

I am totally prepared to be told IABU but I suspect I'm not..

I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer in October 16. You probably know there is no stage 5. No family history, no increased 'risks' and no reason for me to ever worry I'd be the one to get it .. I'm over all those things now but obviously it's been a devastating year.

From the outset my mother said 'breast cancer is easy to get over' and pretty much refused to discuss it. Offered no support other than a few bits of childcare that to be honest was more trouble than it was worth.
Not known for her ability to be a decent person I was not surprised at her inability to actually reach out to me. I'm the youngest of 3, she was a single parent at a time when single parents didn't get the support they do now. She was bored of being a parent by the time I needed her. My childhood was pretty uneventful other than she ignored me frequently if she felt I'd done wrong. Often I wasn't sure what I had done and would endure days of living in a house being blanked until she got over it.
I have 2 older , half brothers from her marriage that failed before I came along.
Not one person in my family has been any support to me during this year of hell. I too am a single parent of 3. I love my children, I would never treat them the way I was treated as a child.

It became apparent early on that the NHS options for me are only palliative and that was a horrific realisation.
I started researching other overseas options and I found a clinic that has great results, I have managed to cash in insurances and pensions to enable me to have 3 rounds of treatment there. I need many more. I need more money than I have got.
I have a funding page, a great team of fundraising friends and my ex is doing what he can to help me. My family have been nowhere to be seen since February time when I realised I wasn't getting any support so I just took a step back
Fast forward to now. They know I'm fundraising, they have not offered to help. Between them they could easily afford to help me but apparently there is no 'f-ing money tree' for me.
I'm so hurt that they will just let me die. If it was them I would've done anything to help.

AIBU to hate that my only chance of survival is to beg strangers and to be bitter that my own family have yet again proven themselves to be just arseholes. I understand I can't make them help me but this is literally life or death.
I just am so tired of worrying how I'm going to find the money when I know they could help.

Fed up and scared. Anyone got any fundraising ideas or winning lottery numbers?
Thanks for allowing me to get this off my chest ☹️

Emily7708 Sat 18-Nov-17 01:28:43

So sorry to read this. It’s always surprising to discover who is actually there for you when it matters. I really hope you are able to find a way to get your treatment.

Sorry I don’t have any fundraising ideas but could I please ask you to join the FB sites Cancerucan and Arnica - Parents Support and post your diagnosis/prognosis on there. You will receive a huge amount of help and suggestions.

ReanimatedSGB Sat 18-Nov-17 01:47:38

I am sorry to hear you are in this situation. FWIW I suggest you cut or at least very much limit contact with your family - they have demonstrated very clearly that they are not sympathetic and not going to help, and it is therefore not worth wasting any more energy on them. It might even feel like a relief to put an end to hoping that they will show you some kindness if you could just work out how to make them understand...

The health care staff treating you now should be able to give you information about support groups etc - MacMillan are very good. Best wishes.

bayseyan Sat 18-Nov-17 02:16:10

I am so sorry. Can I please have your fundraiser link? PM it to me if you do not want to post it. I can’t afford much, but would like to make a donation.

DogMa1 Sat 18-Nov-17 02:55:49

You are being very, very reasonable. Sometimes life is so unfair and I'm sorry that you are having to go through this. You deserve better than this. Your family will never be what you would like them to be and the fault is theirs, nothing you can do or say will make them better people. . Sometimes it's better to step back and avoid the constant hurt and disappointment. flowers

Twinkleheth Sat 18-Nov-17 03:50:23

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. 5 years ago I started fundraising for my son’s specialist college - how much is each treatment? I organised ladies nights, sponsored cycles, family fun days etc etc etc. Basically every second I was thinking how xyz could raise funds. Less than a year into the fundraising my son passed away very suddenly in his sleep - I donated the money we had raised to different worthy causes and still fundraise today. It does help me feeling as though I’m doing it in my son’s name. Please feel free to pm me if I can help I will.

Cookiesandcake Sat 18-Nov-17 06:24:43

Oh I'm so sorry, your family should be helping you, that's what families do. I'm sorry I can't donate, I literally have no spare cash or I would, but know you have my support

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Sat 18-Nov-17 07:04:53

I'm so sorry your family are such shits. Stay away from them they are not worth your time. I would very much like a link to your fundraising page, if possible please.

namechangefriday Sat 18-Nov-17 07:31:23

Thank you all for the replies. I wasn't fishing for donations, I'm sorry if it comes across that way. I'm simply gobsmacked that my own family who could easily afford to give me the money for a round of treatment each have chosen to look the other way

You truly see what people are really made of in this situation.
Once I was the busy daughter/sister who made time for everyone and often hosted them all for bdays and Xmas etc. This year they've not even sent my children bday cards or acknowledged they might be struggling.
I have amazing friends but this whole situation has just made me feel very lonely.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Sat 18-Nov-17 07:42:52

You do not come across as fishing for donations at all! Hope we didnt make you feel like that. People read about what you're going through and want help.

People who aren't twats like your family.

Chickenagain Sat 18-Nov-17 07:49:25

I’m so sorry, your family sound absolutely awful. I hope they get a big kick from Karma’s donkey.
In the meantime, good luck with the fundraising - try & get a local paper to pick it up (organise an unusual event etc).
How you have the energy to do all this with three kids too is amazing and inspiring and I hope it turns out well.
What part of the country are you in OP?

ToniMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 18-Nov-17 09:41:39

We're awed daily by the astonishing support that our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns – but we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster (emotionally or financially) than they can afford to spare.

MyTimingIsOff Sat 18-Nov-17 09:46:40

Some people are wary of donating for treatment abroad promising miracle cures, could this be the situation here?

ReturnOfTheMackYesItIs Sat 18-Nov-17 09:53:01

Didn't a friend of yours post about this a few weeks ago and it was deleted?

Saying her friend needed treatment abroad and her family could afford it but were refusing to pay for it?

MinervaSaidThar Sat 18-Nov-17 10:10:50

Are you sure they even have money? If your mum was a single parent then money must have been tight?

ushuaiamonamour Sat 18-Nov-17 13:33:27

OP, I am so so sorry you're going through this. Your diagnosis must have been a terrifying thing. And if that 'fucking money tree' comment came from your family when you asked for help with treatment, I'm sorrier still because that would have been a cold and callous thing to say. But MyTimingIsOff made a good point and unless I'd seen credible peer-reviewed studies suggesting that this treatment might be effective I wouldn't help you get it either. If there was no such evidence, I'd contribute to your being able to experience anything, however outrageous and maybe even marginally illegal, that might give you a wildly happy experience but not to this, partly to spare you & partly so as not to support people who make money from others' suffering. I'd like to think that that could be the reason for your family's refusal too.

I know you'll have a lot of people here wishing the very best for you, whatever you do. Good luck.

namechangefriday Sat 18-Nov-17 17:55:55

Hi firstly I am not asking you for money and you are all right to be cautious/warned by Mumsnet.
Secondly no this has not been posted by any of my friends. None of my friends know my family or their financial situation. However there are a lot of women in my situation so it doesn't surprise me there's similarities.

As for can they afford it.. my brothers are both child free by choice and live in mortgage free properties worth in excess of £400k and earn a lot of money.
My mum was a full time working single parent. She is retired and living a very comfortable lifestyle. I'm not in need of hundreds of thousands, it's around £3k each for them that would really help.

And I've not been promised a miracle cure by an overseas clinic, I've been offered an extension to my life which the NHS won't fund as they feel it's pointless. I've met women who are 10 plus years out from this very scenario and doing well. Just NHS guidelines state if you present as stage 4 you don't qualify for the drugs in this country. Try explaining that to your 7 year old..

namechangefriday Sat 18-Nov-17 18:06:34

There is evidence it works.. there are many people still alive today: it's nothing fantastic or outrageous, it's just a line of treatment that NICE don't recognise to be administered to stage 4 patients.
I'm stage 4 with a breast tumour and lymph nodes. I'm not riddled and it's not in any major organs. Yet still my NHS onc has given me approx 2 years.
If it were my brother or sister I would do whatever I could to donate.
Its extremely cruel to say you would be dubious unless you've seen reviews to support this and easy to say until you find yourself wondering how much of your very young children's lives you will have left to see and knowing that you dying while they are young will shape their entire lives.
There but for the grace of god go you and my family who can keep their money trees but also will have to understand that when I'm dead my children will not be accessible to them ever again.

AboutAGallonofDietCoke Sat 18-Nov-17 18:24:47

I’ve nothing useful to say, just heartbroken for you. Your ‘family’ are callous bastards. Xxx

VirginMediaAreShite Sat 18-Nov-17 18:43:02

They are bastards. Tory bastards at that, money tree ffs!

Callous is right, waste no more energy on those who are not worthy of it.

Lean on those you can and make sure you have arranged your paperwork and that all those you want to help know the deal. Power of attorney to make sure important decisions do not fall to next of kin.

Be angry, you are allowed and it is healthier than squashing it down, use it but don't let it get in the way of the good stuff. It isn't fair, I'm angry on your behalf and I am a total stranger. I also think you sound like you really have your shit together and I admire you for that. Keep venting here when you need to and don't let the bastards grind you down.

chocolatespiders Sat 18-Nov-17 18:52:07

I feel gutted for you. You must feel awful that your family are not offering to assist you.
I have not spoken to my brother for 5 years but if he needed money I know I would offer.

Fingers tightly crossed you get this treatment.
What kind of fundraising have you done already?

MinorRSole Sat 18-Nov-17 18:59:45

I would sell my soul if it were my dc, even if it was just for an extra 60 seconds with them.
Your family are cruel and I cannot understand their position at all, it’s not normal to react the way they have

myrtleWilson Sun 19-Nov-17 00:03:40

hello namechange - am so sorry to hear of your diagnosis - have you accessed the lovely support available on the lacies thread (under general health/cancer support thread) There are lots of people on there who may be able to give insight into treatment centres etc and if not, just lovely support.

bayseyan Sun 19-Nov-17 00:28:23

OK, if you don’t want donations could I please help by taking a look at the treatment and study information to make sure this actually is suitable for you and that the place offering it is being truthful? Can also help you find other options such as clinical trials you may be able to participate in that will not cost you money. (This is my job, I know what I’m talking about).

Hauntedlobster Sun 19-Nov-17 00:36:37

What is this treatment and is it just breast and localised lymph nodes? If that’s the case they’re being very harsh.

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