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My ex AIBU?

(12 Posts)
fairydusters Fri 17-Nov-17 19:36:39

NC because details quite outing.

So, my ex and I have been broken up for nearly 5 weeks now. He broke things off after a very tumultuous month of arguing and general bad feeling between us. This started because of the involvement of one of his female friends who put strain on us. I forgave something he did, but never fully let it go as the friend was hanging around a lot and reminding me of the said event. She wouldn't keep her distance and it caused arguments.

When we were breaking up he asked me to finish with him as he had been the one that wronged me. I said I didn't want to end it. So he did, telling me he longer wanted to make me sad anymore. In hindsight, something had to give in the relationship - we were both so angry and it was so tense - a complete change to the care-free relationship we had had in the past. He said he needed to work on his own issues (aggression, depression, alcoholism, previous damage from being cheated on by exP months before he met me), and because of the time apart I have focused on improving my own mental health. We have both made progress with these things and to be honest I am glad of the breather.

However, I really do miss him, terribly. I think about him all the time, and even though the initial sadness has lifted, I just feel it wasn't our time to end.

There's a few indications I feel are there that says he kind of regrets the decision:

1. For the last 5 weeks, we have contacted each other everyday - texts, phone calls and meetups. Sometimes this is very light hearted and enjoyable, and other times it's discussion of things he did wrong (and things he tells me he feels guilty about, regrets, he cries, etc). We do argue as well - he has said to me today that this is a massive sign there is still a lot of feeling between us - he said if he didn't care, he would ignore my calls and texts about difficult subjects, Weirdly, he said contact of arguing is better than no contact, and he just likes to hear my voice. He said he would have no trouble ignoring me if he didn't care - in his own words, why would he waste hours from his day trying to resolve the issue? and even now, it's back and forth casually texting !!!

2. I have stayed at his house three times (platonically). We have acted as we always did in this event - watch our shows, cuddle, talk about our lives, where we want to be in a few months time with careers, etc. We slept in the same bed, cuddling and talking until we feel asleep. He has admitted this makes him confused and he spends days missing me after this, that he starts to question why we are apart.

3. He tells me he misses me, that he loves me, that hes in love with me, that he wants me to be happy/okay, that he worries about me, that he wants to give me a hug. He says he feels like he doesn't have a right to say these things, but that he thinks about me all day everyday - that the changes in his life aren't as enjoyable without me there, that he's lonely in other people's company

4. He gets annoyed when people tell him to enjoy being single. He has said in no uncertain terms is he looking for something else, and that the thought of being with someone else never enters his mind. He said he struggles to understand how he'll ever be happy with anyone apart from me because I treated him so well, and I was his perfect woman - he said losing me will be a long-term regret

5. When I tried to initiate no-contact, he didn't stop contacting. In fact, after three days of me not replying to him, and talking to me on the phone, he said it killed him not to be in contact, that he was devastated when he thought I had cut him off. (this would devastate me too). He said he wanted to chat about everyday life with me, that he wanted to know i was okay, that he wanted advice on how to approach situations in his life, etc. Off the back of this, we have arranged to meet for dinner next week.

6. He has made massive changes in his life from direct influence of me. Drinking has been cut dramatically - no going out getting wasted, counselling started, social situations avoided where alcohol will be.

7. He has expressed regret of the way he treated me. He is taking responsibility for his shortcomings - said that he wished he had treated me the way I deserved. Said I deserve so much.

8. Said he would be "devastated, crushed" if he saw me with someone else.

9. He'll do things to catch my attention if I seem to be moving away - things that would obviously annoy your ex. When I pull him up on it he says he only did it so i'd contact him

I suppose i am confused mainly because there's no talk of giving us another go. At the start of the breakup, he said he wouldn't put me through this again, but all talk of this being final has gone out the window. He has said in the last few days that I deserve someone amazing in the future (but obviously not any time soon). He said the reality of life without me is hitting and he misses me every day and lives in regret of how he treated me. But obviously, he's the one who broke it off, does that make it harder to discuss reconciliation?

No contact is definitely not going to happen, and I know that's the best solution to get over someone, but neither of us are budging on that.

AIBU to think that we might be able to give it another go?

toolonglurking Fri 17-Nov-17 19:41:18

You've posted about this before haven't you? I recall most posters suggesting you move on, if that was you.

I'd suggest you move on. You either have a future together or you don't, make a decision, but it doesn't sound like there is/was much happiness involved.

VeganIan Fri 17-Nov-17 19:42:50

AIBU to think that we might be able to give it another go?

When did you actually break up - you're still speaking to him and sleeping with him more than I do to my actual husband - how does that differ from when you were "together"?

I think he's stringing you along with all the angst/star crossed lovers shite. If he cared, he'd bugger off. "Not letting you" go NC is daft and not his decision. How much calmer would you feel without all of that ^ ? How much nicer would it be to find someone who didn't treat you like that?

HandbagCrazy Fri 17-Nov-17 19:48:28

What do you want from all of this? Because your post is all about him - his thoughts, his opinions, his feelings, what he wants. If this is a reflection of the relationship you had, there doesn't seem to be a lot of room for you.
I don't think you're ever going to know if this is the right relationship without an actual, no contact, breather. How can you work through your feelings with him wittering away about how much he misses you and is sorry?

From an outside perspective, he sounds either immature or quite manipulative (or both). From wanting you to finish with him (so he can be the 'wronged' party) to how can't live without you (when you finally attempted nc), he clearly expects you to hang on his every word, waiting for him to want you, while making no commitment of any kind.

I'm sorry but I would prepare yourself for finding out he is seeing the 'friend' or someone new, and for him to act as though you should be fine with it because he's already told you that the relationship isn't working.

GreenTulips Fri 17-Nov-17 19:49:46

Well it's all about h isn't it?

How he feels, how he thinks you should feel, what he wants, what he thinks you want

I don't think you have any clue who you are or what you want

Bit I do know this isn't the relationship for you - it's far too suffocating and he needs to need you.... and you probably like being needed

fairydusters Fri 17-Nov-17 20:16:13

Haven't posted before about exP.

We broke up about 6 weeks ago now? Together just over a year.

I want the relationship with him, but feel like i'm in no position as the person being dumped to ask this.

I do agree with HandbagCrazy - he seems to thrive off the notion that we are tortured by troubles, but are ultimately soulmates.

Hard to let someone go when you love them, but it's obvious from reading your replies that he probably sees this as a game/power trip.

Marriedwithchildren5 Fri 17-Nov-17 20:24:08

Yes. Power trip. He could easily say let's give it another go. He is stomach churning in so many ways. Go find a bloke who wants you!!

SonicBoomBoom Fri 17-Nov-17 20:25:17

9. He'll do things to catch my attention if I seem to be moving away - things that would obviously annoy your ex. When I pull him up on it he says he only did it so i'd contact him

Really? What sort of things?

Also, has he said anything about this 'friend' that he wanted to keep as both an ego boost and gun held to your head?

WhatwouldAryado Fri 17-Nov-17 20:31:07

You need to stop seeing him. Give yourself two weeks no contact for your own sanity. This is just him enjoying keeping you on a long line.

Dozer Fri 17-Nov-17 20:35:27

Cut all contact permanently and move on: only heartache if you don't.

TheZeppo Fri 17-Nov-17 20:36:27

He didn't want to be the bad guy, so tried to get you to finish it. You didn't. If he hadn't wanted it to end, you could have worked through it from there.

He is keeping you dangling. It's hard to hear and harder to accept. Been there.

It hurts, but the best thing you can do for you is walk away. Delete everything. N/C. If you still want him 6 months later, take it from there. But this? He's basically strutting around like the cock of the north knowing he can do what he likes, whilst you're questioning everything.

justilou1 Fri 17-Nov-17 22:55:23

Tell him you're happy and see what he does.

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