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RP and NRP who provides what?

(76 Posts)
sailorcherries Fri 17-Nov-17 15:22:08

My current arrangement for ex to see DS is EOW. Ex was offered time after school once a week but has never bothered his arse (can't do a midweek overnight as he has no way of getting DS to school).

During this time DS spends more time with exMIL (never married but an easier abbreviation).

Ex doesn't ever ask for more time and does the bare minimum in terms of parenting. Pays the csa amount and nothing more. He contributes nothing to school expenses, birthday party etc.

I have always sent DS away with a case full of clothes for the weekend as ex doesn't even buy him clothes, but more and more recently I am becoming annoyed at this lack of care from ex.

The straw that broke the proverbial camels back is to do with this weekend. DS has a party and it is exs weekend. I let him know two weeks ago, and gave him the choice of taking DS and sorting the party stuff or I'd take him and sort it. Ex decided to take him. I checked that he had a present last night (as i knew it was unlikely) to be tols no he doesn't and he doesn't appreciate me asking him to get it as I an 'forcing' this situation on him. I lost my shit, called him lazy and told him not to bother as I'd get it but next time he either sorts the stuff (if his weekend) or DS comes home and I take him. I'm not here to make exs life easier nor am I forcing him to be a parent.

So wibu to be annoyed at this? I know I wbu to lose my shit but I've had enough of his attitude and just snapped.

ElizabethHurleysSafetyPins Sat 18-Nov-17 01:08:58

If he only gets EOW could it be he resents giving up time with his son to run around doing parties etc when it could be spent with his son?

It is very, very little contact time. Hard to build any kind of meaningful relationship on 2 days out of every 2 weeks.

Why can't he have him overnight mid-week? Does he not drive? Could ex-MIL help out by dropping DS to school in the morning if your ex can't? How old is DS?

MakeMisogynyAHateCrime Sat 18-Nov-17 01:30:52

He is actively parenting during this time, so he should be sorting out this kind of thing as and when required.

confusedlittleone Sat 18-Nov-17 07:36:56

If he only gets him eow then he probably resents not actually having him for one of them?

Collaborate Sat 18-Nov-17 07:55:29

To answer the question in the thread title, it's up to your ex to get the present, as it's related to something that the child is doing during contact time. If he takes him to the zoo you wouldn't expect to have to pay for that.

However you can't force him to take him to the party, or do the decent thing.

abbsisspartacus Sat 18-Nov-17 08:25:22

So your child goes eow and spends more time with his nanny? What an asshat I understand why you lost your shit

Angrybird123 Sat 18-Nov-17 08:47:12

Not sure I understand the first response - the OP has made it fairly clear that he doesnt want or seek more time with his son so I think it's not that he resents 'missing out' but that he resents the idea that an external event that he can't control might make him do some actual parenting. I think when the RP has 99.9% of the parenting it is v v annoying that the NRP cant step.up properly on the tiny bit they DO have - it's all about THEM and what they want not what the child wants.OP YANBU but i recommend for your own sanity that you leave him to it in future. Send him a pic of the invite and then leave it 100% up to him and don't chase it up. Any questions regarding the event simply say 'it's dad's weekend' it's up to him. ' I've leant that anything else just descends into accusations of controlling things.

sailorcherries Sat 18-Nov-17 09:55:30

Thanks everyone. Ex is hardly missing out on precious time he is being a parent. My son was invited to a party, which he wanted to attend. His dad should take him, my son shouldn't miss out because ex can't be bothered.

DS has missed out on a fair few events because ex didn't want to take him. It upset my son which is why I said ex can take him or I will and then take DS back to ex.

As for not having him over night during the week ex doesn't drive, exMIL works at 9am in the city centre and due to traffic it would take ex over an hour of using public transport/taxis. Ex also can't be bothered getting up early and parenting.
DS is also off on Monday this week coming but ex never even bothered to ask about seeing him.

Crowdo Sat 18-Nov-17 09:59:06

The other stuff aside, yes you are unreasonable to nag him about buying a present for another child. And again, to snap at him when he asks you to butt out.

When he's parenting, you're not parenting. You only interfere when it is something serious.

Angrybird123 Sat 18-Nov-17 10:08:19

Basically you have to let him be shit and let your son miss out on stuff until your son is old enough to vote with his feet..which he will. It's infuriating and heartbreaking but allowed unfortunately

sailorcherries Sat 18-Nov-17 10:15:23

Crowdo I hardly nagged. I asked once about taking him to the party and once about a present. It was not continuous and I only got annoyed when he implied itvwas my job to provide DS with everything and I'm forcing him to do this. When in actual fact exMIL will be the one who takes DS as it's a morning party and ex doesn't 'do' mornings.

DS is seven. I cannot have him continually miss out because ex is a knob.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds Sat 18-Nov-17 10:25:59

Crowdo, are you mad? OP cannot let her child turn up to someone's party without a present. Ex might not give a shit about offending the people his child goes to school with, but the child will be embarrassed and so will OP. She actually sees these people all the time.

YellowMakesMeSmile Sat 18-Nov-17 10:28:01

Well you were forcing him to do it. What happens on his contact time should be down to dad not you to dictate. Presumably, he doesn't dictate or nag you when he's wiyh you?

You obviously thought he was good parent material when making the huge decision to have a child with him so let him parent his way.

Your son is old enough to ask to go places himself on contact time.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds Sat 18-Nov-17 10:39:18

She hardly held a gun to his head. She is expecting him to take his own child to an activity and fund it like all other parents have to do.
No one likes spending their money on presents for other people's children or time at kids parties, but we do it because it is part of the parenting job.
OP even gave him the option of not doing it.
I can't believe how little he does and that some of you think OP is unreasonable for even expecting that!
As much as she chose to have a baby with him, he chose to have one too and there is no way on earth that he is pulling his weight.

MayhemMaggie Sat 18-Nov-17 10:40:05

Why are you trying to manage the (little) time he has with his son?

My kids sometimes can't do everything they want on 'dads' weekend but they accept that. That's life with separated parents. It's just a party - at that age they are every other week.

You sound quite controlling. Let him parent as he sees fit and back off. Unless there is a child protection issue here, which clearly there is not otherwise he wouldn't have unsupervised contact.

You clearly dislike your ex intently. I am sure your son is well aware of your feelings towards his father.

sailorcherries Sat 18-Nov-17 10:42:25

Yellow for him to ask or enquire about anything he would actually need to contact his child outwith his weekends, which he doesn't.
Similarly DS cannot ask him as ex will not phone him and after lying for months to people and DS about phoning regularly DS no longer wants to phone him as hes 'a liar'

DS was from a very short lived relationship with an emotionally abusive boy when I waa 16, after coming out of a physically and emotionally abusive relationship from the ages of 14-16. It was hardly a good judgement call. I've never thought ex is q good father however I've also recognised my DS has a good relationship with exMIL and he deserves to know her. For the first 3 years of his life ex was very fleeting.

So as it stands if my DS has anything on his contact weekends with ex he shouldn't go because, heaven forbid, ex actually has to parent and do things for the sake of DS and not just as he pleases. Despite that being what real parenting is and not disney parenting.
I also never forced. Ex could say "sorry we have plans" and then that would be it (as he has done multiple times and DS comes home upset as they had no plans and he missed out). I told him then offered to take DS so they were not put out; if he agrees to take him he should provide the present. If he said they couldn't do it then so be it. If they asked me to take him I'd get the present.

sailorcherries Sat 18-Nov-17 10:44:19

I don't manage it.
I told him about the party and offered to take DS as ex doesn't drive and exMIL may have been busy. Had he said he couldn't do it then that's it. As has happened multiple times.
What I object to is him agreeing but expecting me to fund it because he can't be bothered to do that.

SarahH12 Sat 18-Nov-17 10:46:51

I don't understand the other responses. You were more than fair OP. Whenever there is a party, if it falls on DP's weekend his exW will ask if he wants to take their DD or she can take her, which is more than reasonable.

He's not "giving up his little time" as others have said, he's doing (or rather should be doing) something that every parent has to do.

abbsisspartacus Sat 18-Nov-17 10:48:16

Sorry op I'm laughing a bit over here at people calling you controlling 😂 the bloke is a cunt can you ask his mom instead of him

IWannaSeeHowItEnds Sat 18-Nov-17 10:49:40

It's really sad that some of you expect so little from nrp and think this level of 'parenting' is acceptable.
As for not liking him, he doesn't come across as bring remotely likeable - pays absolute minimum, offloads childcare onto his mum, doesn't 'do' mornings so cba to take his own child to a party, doesn't phone his child between contact visits, lies so he doesn't have to do anything. Yep, he's a total peach.

bigchris Sat 18-Nov-17 10:51:21

Agree with Sarah

He sounds like an arse and you are doing what is right for your ds

sailorcherries Sat 18-Nov-17 10:53:52

Similarly if DS is invited to a party from their family on my weekend exMIL will contact me (as ex won't bother his arse).

I either take him over and collect him or exMIL will collect him and take him. She isn't micromanaging my time, she knows DS may want to go and lets me know about it.
This is the exact same.

MayhemMaggie Sat 18-Nov-17 10:54:20

Maybe you need to accept he is shit parent material. Emotionally abusive 'boy'? What kind of dad did you THINK he was going to be?

Did you think fatherhood was suddenly going to change him from the above into a well rounded, emotionally intelligent, selfless father?

You had a child with a messed up 'boy'. You are better accepting things are the way they are, he's shit at parenting , he was always going to be shit at parenting, and get on with it.

I speak from experience OP. My firstborn was to a very selfish man (MAN though, 27, so not a child himself) and I knew he wasn't going to morph into the kind of parent I wanted him to be.

I worked full time, advanced my career and raised my son, on my own and his dad flitted in and out of his life over the years. He was shit in every way but if I had let it get to me, or got myself worked up about a bloody kids party it woujd just have made me ill.

DryHeave Sat 18-Nov-17 10:54:50

Re: clothing, I know a separated couple where this was a massive issue. In the end, the arrangement was the children changed into their school uniform (yes even on weekends) for the drop off and pick ups and had entirely separate sets of clothes at each house. A bit sad, but it had to be done that way.

sailorcherries Sat 18-Nov-17 10:55:57

IWanna and that's the tip of it. Yet I still act civilly in front of DS, invite him to DS birthday party that he has with school friends, inform and invite to school activites and so on all the while he ignores the invite or lies and doesn't come. I then make up so elaborate story to DS about how sorry daddy is that he couldn't make it and so on, to shield my still young child from that.

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