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To not notice I was being excluded!

(526 Posts)
Mrbluethecatt Wed 15-Nov-17 16:59:37

I work with 4 other women all of which are at least 10 years older and have worked together for a long time. Initially when I started 6 months ago I was invited to go out for lunch or coffee. This then petered out. I wasn't that bothered as we have little in common and have different ideas and opinions.

I have noticed that they often go out for lunch and coffee, met up at weekends etc and often discuss these occasions at work. I do join in if they are talking about work or TV like bake off so I don't just ignore them.

I've been getting growlers and looks over the last few weeks which I have been ignoring. This has escalated to tuts and huffs if I speak to them. I asked one of them if there was a problem, she said there wasn't.

I've had a email this afternoon from my manager wanting all of us to meet tomorrow to discuss what's being going on over the last 6 months. My response was what do you mean? What has been going on? My manager then forwarded me an email he received from one of the women essentially saying that I have been distant and haven't been actively sociable with them. Haven't invited them to my home, to meet my family etc. So on the back of this they have been excluding me from their activities and Facebook group. They are upset I haven't noticed and have therefore caused an atmosphere at work.hmm

Aibu to....well I don't know. What do I do now?

Swizzlesticks23 Wed 15-Nov-17 17:02:46


It's not school they cannot report you for not wanting to be their friend.

I would just say sorry I prefer to get on with my work I don't like friendships to influence my work.

How bizzare.

WhyamIBoredathome Wed 15-Nov-17 17:03:12

Good grief. Are they 6 year olds? It's not compulsory to socialise outside of work!

Swizzlesticks23 Wed 15-Nov-17 17:03:25

Is this a long term career job or a gap filler.

Do you like it there ?

DullAndOld Wed 15-Nov-17 17:03:50

That sounds bizarre. You are supposed to invite them to your home?
Have never heard of anything like that.
Is the manager part of their clique?

Clandestino Wed 15-Nov-17 17:04:51

Shamelessly bookmarking it. This just sounds hilarious. Like a creche.

momo142 Wed 15-Nov-17 17:04:52

That is completely absurd. They are your work colleagues! You don't have to socialise with them!

QueenofallIsee Wed 15-Nov-17 17:05:35

That is lunacy! Your manager is surely not going along with this? They admit trying to exclude and intimidate you at work but think that is a failing on your part that you did not respond?


MummySparkle Wed 15-Nov-17 17:06:30

Eh?? I don't think I've ever invited a work colleague to my home! Why would you?!

Is your manager reasonable or likely to side with them. And what sort of job do you do?

IJoinedJustToPostThis Wed 15-Nov-17 17:07:00

Start looking for another job? You shouldn't have to, but your colleagues have unreasonable expectations, and they're unlikely to change.

They've shot themselves in the foot, though, by admitting to deliberately excluding you confused shock hmm

ICanNeverThinkOfAGoodUsrname Wed 15-Nov-17 17:07:01

What??!!! This is absolute madness.

They're colleagues, there is nothing in your contract to say you have to invite them in to your life. They need a talking to about their behaviour, not you.

AllTheWittyNamesAreGone Wed 15-Nov-17 17:08:01

What the fuck?
Surely the manager will tell them to stop being knobs and move on

Laiste Wed 15-Nov-17 17:08:02

All the above !

Plus - how can they say that you not noticing you've been dropped from FB ect. has caused the bad atmosphere? That's not logical! Surely you not noticing would means you've carried on being normal confused

They're idiots.

gunsandbanjos Wed 15-Nov-17 17:08:23

How utterly bizarre!!
I can’t imagine asking my colleagues over to meet my family, and I think they’d think I was a bloody weirdo if I did!

CoughLaughFart Wed 15-Nov-17 17:08:53

This is ridiculous. No job comes with an obligation to invite colleagues to your home. Of course people can be friends with work colleagues, but it isn’t an obligation. As for them complaining you haven’t noticed them deliberately excluding you... well, I don’t even know how to start with that.

Unless your manager is living on another planet, the only reason he is calling this meeting is to tell them they can’t let personal feelings get in the way of work. Your only response needs to be is that if there’s a problem with your work, you will of course address it, but your socialite is your own business.

LurkingQuietly Wed 15-Nov-17 17:08:55

Oh god, OP, if half of the people I’m thinking of weren’t retired I’d swear I knew precisely where you worked! I was the HR Manager who had to deal with this exact scenario (minus the FB page) - for what it’s worth, my approach was to be fairy blunt. I think you need to remain faintly bemused throughout this meeting - they can’t make you be friends with them and like a PP says, you just like to get on with your work. Utterly ridiculous! Good luck.

MomToWedThorFriday Wed 15-Nov-17 17:09:21

So, they’ve excluded you, you didn’t even notice because you give no fucks and they’re complaining... wtf?! grin

Nomoretears56 Wed 15-Nov-17 17:10:15

I don't socialise with my work colleagues, I'm perfectly pleasant to them when I'm at work but I wouldn't want to to meet them for coffee, go for a drink or a meal etc. I choose my own friends and why in God's name is it anything to do with anyone else who you see or don't see after work, you're paid to do a job not to be someone's best friend..... Totally ridiculous

jay55 Wed 15-Nov-17 17:11:32

They’ve created the bad atmosphere being rude when you join in conversation.

I’ve never invited a colleague Home either.

Laiste Wed 15-Nov-17 17:12:10

Is it more sinister? A culture clash thing? Either way. Are they using this to try to get shot of you because you're not 'one of them'?

Whocansay Wed 15-Nov-17 17:12:18

Have you managed to stop laughing?!?!?!

How utterly ridiculous! There is nothing to do. You explain that you don't want to socialise with them. The end.

Is this a big company with an HR department you can take this to if necessary?

TonicAndTonic Wed 15-Nov-17 17:13:55

Haven't invited them to my home, to meet my family etc.

WTAF - is this a thing?? confused

(shameless placemark)

AlternativeTentacle Wed 15-Nov-17 17:14:02

So they complained because you didn't notice they were trying to ostracise you? I mean that is fucked up! Talk about attention seeking.

mousemoose Wed 15-Nov-17 17:14:20

So to be clear, they’ve complained about you because they feel you didn’t react dramatically enough to their deliberate and targeted campaign of ostracism of you? grin

AlternativeTentacle Wed 15-Nov-17 17:14:23

And ostracising you is a form of bullying.

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