To think we are both right and wrong

[melclaire1111]

I'll try and keep this brief...

Hubby and I had a massive argument last night (one of many over recent months) and accused me of failing as a wife.

The back story is we have been together 11 years, married for 4 and up until our child was born relatively happy. There was one minor indiscretion on his part where I caught him sexting another woman a couple of months before we got married but we worked through this.

Since our child was born we seem to have done nothing but argue. Hubby works shifts, a mix of days and nights, while I went back to work full time when our child was 6 months old, they now go to nursery full time. During my maternity we argued a lot, as if I hadn't done something around the house I would be accused of being lazy and not doing anything. This could be after having a bad day with the baby or having been out at baby groups etc, but he still would barely lift a finger round the house.

Going back to work has been a struggle. DC still doesn't sleep through the night at 16 months old, and can be up 2 -3 times a night. I do all the night settling as due to hubby's shifts he is often not there anyway, and he is a really bad sleeper when he is there so it's just easier for me to do them. I'm up at 6am, at work after drop and a 45 minute commute for 8am, not home much before 6pm.

DC has had really bad separation anxiety with me. Although they are fine when dropped at nursery (usually get a kiss and a wave goodbye, the odd grumble on a Monday!) if I leave the room when at home they will cry until I come back, even if hubby is in the room. I try and work round this, and let them come with me in the kitchen or try and get them to settle and watch a bit of TV, but hubby's way of dealing with this is shut the gate and let them scream until I'm done with what needs to be done. This just breaks my heart and I think there must be a better way of dealing with it but we can't seem to find a compromise. I know he is upset that they are a mummy's child but I have tried to say it's a phase that will pass (hopefully!)

We also argue over the housework. I generally do most of it, wash bottles up, do the washing up, the washing, take the bins & recycling out, put clothes away, where as he occasionally cuts the grass and that's about it. Whoever is home first will generally cook dinner, but when it is hubby all he does is moan about how I haven't cooked for him in so long and how he does everything.

So last night we had another argument as I didn't hear something he had said, and then DC caught their head on a table (not hard) so I went to go and check they were ok and comfort them but hubby told me to leave them and if they were hurt they would come to us! We then had a massive row as I didn't hear something else he said, and was called a selfish, horrible person, who is harming out child in the way I act and that he doesn't know why we are together and that I'm a bad wife!

We don't get a lot of time together. I try and make time for him after DC has gone to bed, even if it's just watching a TV show, but apparently I should be jumping on him on every night as that's what all parents do when their children have gone to bed! We have had a few days out together recently and a couple of afternoons to go for a meal and we usually get on fine then, but as soon as it's the 3 of us it feels like it's a war zone.

So not brief at all haha, just wondering if anyone has any advice as I'm really at breaking point!!

[magpiemischief]

It sounds like he is setting standards for you which are impossible to meet. Also that he is constantly picking fault and all you are doing is defending yourself. Yes, you could not defend yourself in arguments but that would involve agreeing to impossible standards. Not really acceptable.

The only thing that might make him appreciate what you do more realistically would be to spend time apart. So he was home alone with no one providing any home comforts. Even better if he had to do childcare too. However you might not want to leave your children with a parent who is so unconcerned over their welfare. Have you anywhere you can go and stay for a week or two?

[Justbookedasummmerholiday]

He is the one who is damaging your ds by denying them seeking you out when they are upset /distressed.
What a dick.

[streetlife70s]

Why are you doing the majority of the housework if you both work full time? I understand the settling bit as you say be a of shifts, but why the rest?

[Soubriquet]

You are wrong....as in he isn't right at all

He sounds very self absorbed

[Theresamayscough]

In a sentence he sounds a cold dismissive misogynistic selfish cheeky fucker op.

I would get the dcs to nursery and both book the day off to have a long long talk about how things need to be going forward and how he needs to step up.

You need to be firm and calm. This is a horrible situation for you and the dcs.

[melclaire1111]

streetlife70s Wed 15-Nov-17 14:08:16
Why are you doing the majority of the housework if you both work full time? I understand the settling bit as you say be a of shifts, but why the rest?

Because I generally always have, and he would rather sit on his phone of an evening than do anything. If I ever ask him to do anything on his days off (which he gets quite a few of being on shift) this is generally ignored as he ends up going out with friends and running out of time.

[TheDodgyEnd]

Not trying to be rude AT ALL here but I’m just wondering why you didn’t talk about, and try to divvy up the tasks either before you had kids or when DC was small. Has it always been accepted that you are to do everything and if so why did you accept it?

We’re household chores split more evenly before you had kids?

Is this new behaviour on his part or has he always been like this?

He sounds like a complete arse frankly and in my brutally honest opinion, you’d be better off and happier not having to deal with his shit.

Again, I’m not trying to be disrespectful in any way.

[TheDodgyEnd]

X post

Think you need to shake him up a little. What an ungrateful tool he is.

Did you discuss jobs before DC and he said he would help more but hasn’t or did you always know everything would be left to you?

[Slowtrain2dawn]

Things were ok until you had a child because in his world he comes first. I’m not sure you will be able to change that ( and you shouldn’t have to!) You are doing everything and working, how dare he treat you like this?! He is totally in the wrong, and his behaviour and attitude is designed to grind you down until you prioritise him above your self and child.

[streetlife70s]

In that case my lovely I agree with PP that YABU to think you are both wrong. He is wrong end of. He clearly sees domestic work as beneath him. You deserve much much better than that

[melclaire1111]

I've generally always done the housework, we were quite young when we moved in together (although I'm slightly older) so I didn't want him to feel like he was missing out on his youth so I have just generally done everything. We never really discussed it when we had DC, as the original plan was for me to go back to work part time so I would probably have picked up most of it, however it made financial sense for me to go back full time.

There are a lot of other issues he has as well. He hates it when DC asks to be picked up, and has a massive moan if I stop what I am doing to pick them up or give them a cuddle. DC walks very well but sometimes gets tired so asks to be picked up but I'm in the wrong if I do this as according to hubby.

He also moans that I never go out and see friends, which I don't very often, but when I try to explain that most of my friends have children and also work by the end of the day we are all exhausted, and at weekends they all generally have family time as they don't have husbands who works shifts or in the case of mine goes to football every weekend (has a season ticket to a local team and goes to most away days!) I have no problem not going out that much as I love spending time with DC, but he thinks it's a massive issue.

[Sausagerollers]

You've yet to mention any redeeming features of your H; does he have any?

[TheDodgyEnd]

It sounds like he really dislikes your DC...

And they will pick up on it, too

[WhatwouldAryado]

He is a dick. "What everyone does" is ducking bullshit. What is important is the feelings of the two of you. Tell him to get a grip and stop comparing you to his fantasy 1950's wife. It's time he pulled up his big boy pants and tried joining you in an adult relationship.

[SomewhatIdiosyncratic]

Sod you failing as a wife, he's failing as an equal partner in marriage and as a father.

[Sooooooooooooooooooooo]

He sounds like a twat.

[jay55]

So you do all the night wakings, all the housework and work full time and all he does is complain, bitch and moan that you’re not doing more for him?

What does he do to contribute to family life? To your relationship? What’s the point?

[Ilovelampandchair]

Is there anything that makes it worth your while staying with him?

He sounds like a noose around your neck.

[ButchyRestingFace]

I've generally always done the housework, we were quite young when we moved in together (although I'm slightly older) so I didn't want him to feel like he was missing out on his youth so I have just generally done everything

How much is "slightly"?

Not that it really matters either way, his age isn't a good reason for all the chores to be offloaded onto you.

[melclaire1111]

He does have some redeeming features. When he's not trying to be what I think is cold and unsympathetic to DC he is a good dad and DC does adore him. But DC knows that they will get more attention from me rather than hubby as he spends all his time on his phone where as I don't have my phone out in the evening.

I do sometimes wonder if he is depressed. He hates his job, but every time I encourage him to look for something new he simply states he won't get the money he gets here working shifts. He doesn't sleep well as the nights shift pattern have messed his body clock up, and again when I try and encourage him to come off nights he moans about not having the money. I have said that I would rather be poor and struggle than have him miserable and unhappy!

I have asked him to come off nights on numerous occasions but I think he likes having that as an excuse to then stay in bed all day. He will finish a night shift at 6am, go to bed and stay there literally until he picks DC up from nursery about 5pm, spend sometime with DC and then go back to bed when I get in 6pm until he goes to work at 9pm.

[melclaire1111]

How much is "slightly"?

I'm 33, he is 29, so not that much in it.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

He's a good dad when he's not being a bad dad. Ok.

You had a baby.

That means you are now the owner of all menial tasks and are responsible for all things house and child. You are now his mother as well as your child's. At least that is clearly the situation in his mind, hence the attitude when you don't mother him with dinner or don't do all the menial shit for him.

[DianaPrincessOfThemyscira]

He sounds like a complete bag of shit and my advice would be get a divorce so he can find a perfect wife .

I hear there’s load round Stepford way.

[Sooooooooooooooooooooo]

My dh is also 4 years younger, I have never done everything because of it. It’s 4 years, the way you are talking it sounds like 20! He’s taken advantage and you haven’t helped yourself. 4 years doesn’t even register.

[cardeyscat]

Hi OP,
This behaviour is very familiar to me. It seems like he is jealous of your DC. It sounds like you need regular date nights together to see if there is still something salvageable there. If there is, then maybe try couples counselling to help communication. You are both tired and constantly adjusting to being parents. It’s really hard. Me and my DP are going through similar problems. The hardest thing is that we both had defences up so high, there was no chance of softening and working as a team. (I recommend counselling but the best decision we made was to stop therapy and go out instead). Good luck!