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To think DH is perfectly capable of being responsible for childcare.

(54 Posts)
JosephineBucket Tue 14-Nov-17 15:07:10

Firstly can I say this is absolutely not coming from DH - he is totally on board with our plan and his position is that he is a dad and it's what he needs to do.

I've been a SAHM for the majority of the past 13 years and when I have worked it's been around DH's shifts. We've never paid for childcare so when I started looking at nurseries for when i do my teacher training next year I almost cried when i found out we'd be looking at over £1000 a month. DH suggested we try to get DD into his employers on-site nursery - the places are like gold dust as it's heavily subsidised as well as very good but if we could secure a place it would more than halve the childcare bill. It would mean that he would do all pickups and dropoffs which coincide with the start and end of his shifts and be when I'm in college or on placement.

I told DM about the nursery and her first question was how would I drop DD off then get to college 10 miles away? Er, I wouldn't! She then wanted to know if DH minded/would be able to do it because men always expect the woman to do it. I did say he was happy and perfectly capable but was inwardly shaking my head . It might be different if I was constantly bitching that he doesn't pull his weight but I don't because he does! He's booked a day's holiday so I can get school experience and she's offered herself to be back up in case he can't cope with what I do every day!

And she's not the only person who's reacted like this so I was wondering if I really am expecting too much of him or just enough?

CbeebiesAddict Tue 14-Nov-17 15:08:44

You really aren't expecting too much. DH picks DS up from nursery each day (I do drop offs) and we alternate taking leave when DS is sick.

MoodyOne Tue 14-Nov-17 15:09:42

I don’t know .... my DH took 3 months maternity and was perfectly fine so I think he can manage drop off and pick up 😂

HipToBeSquare Tue 14-Nov-17 15:12:24

If you've been a sahm for 13 years how old are your dc? And I'm going to assume they are across an age range so of course your dh can cope!

scurryfunge Tue 14-Nov-17 15:12:28

I picked a nursery that was opposite dh's workplace. I never did any drop offs or pick ups.

JosephineBucket Tue 14-Nov-17 15:12:33

In case it's relevant DD is 17 months old and breastfed first thing and at night but otherwise drinks from a cup.

timeisnotaline Tue 14-Nov-17 15:13:38

We do the same as CBeebies - split the pick up and drop off. He's perfectly capable ...

JosephineBucket Tue 14-Nov-17 15:14:37

Oldest is 13 so yes quite an age gap. DD was a wonderful surprise....

SnugglySnerd Tue 14-Nov-17 15:14:38

Loads of dads do the drop off at DD's nursery. Including dh much of the time. YANBU.

WorkingBling Tue 14-Nov-17 15:20:44

There's often this view, but I think it's really changing. At DS' school, there are lots of dads doing drop off and pick up. Even more noticeably, while DH was usually the only man at baby groups or wondering around town with a baby when DS was tiny, we have both noticed that is no longer the case even just 6 years later. I know the research coming out about the enhanced paternity leave not being taken up by men suggests that men aren't or can't do it, but our experience doesn't bear that out at all. Change is happening, but slowly.

For some people, it's just too much of a shift. They still see the men as having the "important" jobs and the ones where you daren't ask to get off work a bit early or on time. It's ridiculous and more and more families (and employers) are realising this. But the default is still the assumption that the woman's job has to give when there are childcare issues at stake.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou Tue 14-Nov-17 15:21:16

We have loads of dad who do the drops offs and or pick ups at my school. Your MIL is being strange!

Reppin Tue 14-Nov-17 15:31:45

I have always put DH's mobile number as primary contact number throughout school, starting at nursery. I am not sure if he knows this, but he has always been contacted first and I only get called if they can't reach him. I don't think this is at all unusual, he is their equal parent and I am incredibly lazy so don't want to be disturbed.

bananamonkey Tue 14-Nov-17 15:33:04

She's being weird! Our nursery is only 10 minutes from home but 15 minutes walk from DH's work vs. >1 hour drive from mine, plus I work longer hours so it's a no-brainer than he does more of the nursery runs. Have to say it's an even split among the parents I see at drop-off/pick-up.

drspouse Tue 14-Nov-17 15:36:58

My DC goes to a workplace nursery, about 1/3 of the parents dropping off are dads who work on site, 1/3 mums ditto, and the rest are wives of lazy sods who can't dirty their hands with childcare but do work on site. I've seen some arrive separately at work while their wife is dropping off at nursery. Boils my blood.

Vanannabananna Tue 14-Nov-17 15:41:41

DH does all drop offs and pick ups for DS nursery. It's near to his work.

Mummyoflittledragon Tue 14-Nov-17 15:45:37

drspouse
That’s mad for the mothers not working onsite to drop off unless they’re incredibly local and their dc struggle with separating from their parents.

Surely it is totally normal and makes sense for your dh to do it Josephine. Why would you go all the way over there even if you had time? Teacher training is pretty intense. My friend is doing it this year after years of working/parenting and not studying so any support you can get, the better. I hope you get on well.

AdmiralSirArchibald Tue 14-Nov-17 15:50:28

My OH is about to embark on 16 weeks parental leave when I return to work after baby number 2 so I think he ought to be able to work out some picking up and dropping off. It's at least half Dads at DD1's school.

CatkinToadflax Tue 14-Nov-17 15:54:48

That nursery sounds like the perfect solution for you OP - hope you manage to get a place there.

My DF has always been very much of the mindset that “the women look after the children”. He genuinely didn’t believe that DH changed our boys’ nappies and did some of the night feeds when they were tiny. He also finds it baffling that DH and I share the cooking, housework and childcare. An outdated generational thing perhaps?!

outabout Tue 14-Nov-17 15:57:33

I managed to do 'drop off' and 'collection' for the best part of 9 years, I had to frightfully brave though as there were loads of nasty mother type women lurking who might have attacked me.

Whatsername17 Tue 14-Nov-17 15:57:36

Your mum is a dinosaur. So is my mil and my dad, who both think that my decision to return to work and dh's decision to take 3 months shared leave is odd. His decision to go back part time is just wrong, apparently.

RedSkyAtNight Tue 14-Nov-17 15:59:23

I think this is a fairly typical sexist (and possibly generational) attitude tbh. My mother gushes about what a wonderful father my brother is because he took his DD to nursery 3 days a week (his workplace nursery, so no sense for SIL to do it). Apparently my taking DC to nursery is not worthy of any note at all.

KickAssAngel Tue 14-Nov-17 16:04:11

DH always did drop off for nursery & school. I did pick up. It meant he often did breakfast/getting her dressed and doing her hair.

We were lucky that we could tailor our start/end times to do this and it worked v well.

DH's penis didn't fall off as a result.

TinyTear Tue 14-Nov-17 16:07:45

my DH does all drop offs and I do all pick ups, lots of dads at both drop off and pick up, your mum needs to give him more credit

diddl Tue 14-Nov-17 16:08:34

So he basically needs to take his daughter to work with him??

Why would it even occur to your mum that you would do it when he's going there anyway?

KickAssAngel Tue 14-Nov-17 16:12:43

Although there was the time when DH was away so I was taking DD, and just went into autopilot and carried on to work instead of turning off to nursery. Luckily I realised after a couple of miles that I had an extra passenger.

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