To be weirded out by his past

[Corkscrewbetty]

So... my boyfriend has had a lot of sexual partners. Hundreds. He used to be into swinging and sex clubs. I found (old) adverts advertising his 'services to women' and videos of him online (broke me to watch, but I did it anyway - several times!). He was very active in this 'sphere'. He assures me that those days are over and that he hasn't done anything like that since 2012. But, I keep thinking that if he was used to swapping partners and having wild sex and orgies and all the rest of it, how is he going to be satisfied with just me? I've become quite obsessed with it... trying to find old traces of what he was up to online, looking at the London swingers clubs online and just getting very down about it all. We've been together for two years, but I still can't shake it. We don't live together. I keep wondering what he's up to all the time in the city. I think I'm maybe being very naive. I'd like to believe him when he says it's over, but am I being stupid? He's a loving, caring man, but I worry that I'll bore him in bed and that he will just find it so easy to go elsewhere. It really is unhealthy that I can't shake this feeling. I've had so many discussions with him about it and I daren't bring it up again. I'm quite traditional. There's no way I could swap partners or ever go to one of these sex clubs. I know he hasn't asked me, but how can I trust him? The feeling of jealousy about his past is quite overpowering and I don't know what to do about it. I feel crappy about myself when I compare myself to the type of pornstar women he's been with in the past. They all seem to be mega hot women with toned figures and handcuffs and whips. They film themselves and put it out there for the whole world to see. My past is so far removed from any of that. I've always been one man-one woman. I don't think I'm going to get over it. Has anyone got any advice on how I can stop being so unreasonable! Or am I being reasonable to be weirded out by it all?

[Shoxfordian]

You need to either decide it's his past and move on or break up with him if you can't cope

Does he do anything to make you distrust him or is it just his past?

Everyone has a past

[TheQueenOfWands]

He's probably bored shitless of fancy, PVC, fun for all sex and is desperate to snuggle up with someone nice and normal.

I too had an active sexual past. It gets dull. Honestly.

I now have a nice, boring, geeky man. Couldn't be happier.

[Corkscrewbetty]

He doesn't do anything to make me mistrust him. Well, we live apart from each other, so I don't really know. He is caring and romantic and clearly in love with me. I know he watches porn, but I'm not so bothered about that because I really believe that all men do. It's just that it's all so far removed from what he gets from me. And I don't really know if people's sexual preferences change. Maybe they do! I feel like I've lost a lot of confidence in myself because of it. I have had partners in the past and never think about them, so it could well be the same for him. The past is the past, but I am having difficulty with it and wish I could find a way to stop obsessing.

[PeiPeiPing]

I couldn't be with him, sorry OP.

[SloeSloeQuickQuickGin]

Why is it an issue after two years?

[Ttbb]

How old was he when this happened and how old is he now? Most young men have very active sex lives in lodon. The ones I know have a lot of casual (gorgeous) partners and many of them experiment (whether it's their own idea or one of their many partners). My husband has (by what he has confessed at least) a very interesting sex life when he was a young man. But then he got older and got bored. We met, he decided I was what he wanted and the rest is history (all of it is history). He seems perfectly satisfied, I have no doubts about him at all. I wouldn't be too worried if your man has shown that he is committed to you (but do both get tested for STDs just in case-from my experience a multitude of sexual partners doesn't mean that you are bound to be carrying something but of course it does pose a risk).

[AnnabellaH]

Kink gets exhausting OP. Once it's jaded then it's over and done with. Most don't surpass a few years in that lifestyle because it gets dull as. Also if he was that prolific I probably saw his family jewels before you did sorry.

Seriously though, trust him. If he says he's over it then he is.

[totoromama]

My dh slept with hundreds of people. But he was 38 when we got married.
I don't think it's the amount it's the sex club aspect. It's an alt lifestyle and you need to see if you can get past it.

[ToastyFingers]

I had a wild past, honestly I wouldn't want to go back ever. Unless you have reason to believe he's lying then I wouldn't worry.

[Skarossinkplunger]

To be honest I couldn’t be with anyone who was so judgy about my past.

I don’t think you’re ever going to trust him. You’re never going to be happy and I think you should split up.

[marciagetscreamed]

Has he done anything to make you suddenly suspicious?

I too have had a rather lively sexual past and am now happily married to a man who, by my previous standards, is very ‘vanilla’.

Never been happier.

[Crunchymum]

Why is it an issue now OP?

[BraveDancing]

I had a disreputable youth - worked in exotic dancing, v promiscuous in my own time, lots of partners of assorted genders.

Now I'm married to a gorgeous wonderful person, we have our lovely DD, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I sometimes think maybe people who have done it all are more, rather than less, likely to be faithful because we really know the grass is not greener. I couldn't imagine even looking at someone else now.

[kalinkafoxtrot45]

It's his past and I think you either have to get over it or break up. Having said that, I'd find it off putting too.

[Corkscrewbetty]

I don't mean to be judgy. I know I sound like I am. I've always been pretty open-minded and think consenting adults should all just do what they want. I've not been a prude all my life and have probably had more than the average in terms of number of partners. He was in his twenties when he did it. He's 37 now. If my brother or mates were doing it, I wouldn't care (I wouldn't want to know the details, but I wouldn't care). It's not the acts themselves that bother me, it's whether he can leave it in his past or whether it was so exciting that he'll want to go back to it at some point. I don't really judge him for it either. He says he was a bit crap at picking up girls/ asking them out etc. and that this was the easiest route for him. It's all insecurity on my part. I don't think he did anything wrong - I just hope he doesn't still hanker after that lifestyle. It's more jealousy than judgement, I think.

[Corkscrewbetty]

It's not suddenly an issue... I didn't find out about it for the first year or so and I've been like this on and off for a while. I think I'm over it... and then it all creeps back :-(

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Not all men watch porn by the way, they really don't.

[AnnabellaH]

Can vouch all men do not watch porn also. More women do than grown men actually.

[tiptopteepe]

late thirties is sort of the age where you start to think long term though isnt it? People dont just want a thrill forever. You would end up very very lonely and jaded if you just persued that your whole life.
Its understandable that he would now start to rate a more meaninful relationship highly even if in the past he has put casual thrill first.
I think that unless you have any real reason to distrust him now you should try and get over this jealousy. Theres nothing to be jealous of. Clearly he could get laid whenever he wanted so why on earth would he stay with you if thats the kind of thing he wanted now? You say you feel that he loves you and so that is probably true. Love is FAR FAR more important to most people than transitory sexual experiences. And it makes even the most vanilla of sexual encounters actually amazing.
Stop researching his history it will drive you apart.

[Sabsy1]

My partner was into swinging throughout his twenties. His life was all about sex. He finished with that phase of his life nearly 10 years before we met. It doesn't bother me at all. And when i went through stages of not wanting sex (pregnancy, pnd) i really didnt worry about his high sex drive or his past. But i completely trust him and never had a reason not to. So, i suppose it depends on your current relationship, not his past.

[Aeroflotgirl]

He would have to have an STI/AIDS test before I woukd sleep with him. Then go from there.

[JanetStWalker]

I've been pretty much in your shoes and unfortunately I couldn't get past it and ended the relationship. It's ok not to be 'cool' with that world.

Good luck

[JanetStWalker]

Can vouch all men do not watch porn also. More women do than grown men actually.

Interesting, do you have a source for that?

[Talith]

I've gone through wild phases and it's bloody exhausting after a while, and emotionally it can leave you empty. I'd expect that he's just ready to move on and have a more fulfilling relationship (unless you're given cause to mistrust him).

If you can't reconcile with the jealousy of his past then that's a harder nut to crack (so to speak). My current partner is steady and calm and we're quietly monogamous - it's a blessed relief to all the shenanigans. No way would I swap him for all that again.

[Babycham1979]

I have had a life that sounds a lot like your DP's. That doesn't define who I am, and doesn't mean I'm any less loving of trustworthy as a person.

I'm not surprised by the responses saying they couldn't get past that but - as always - I think of the reaction if the sexes were reversed. He'd be accused of slut-shaming, misogyny, controlling behaviour, sexism and infantilisation.

The problem really us yours. If you can't get past it, then fine. But where do you draw the line? Five partners? Fifteen? Fifty? It sounds like an issue that you may never get past, unless you find the fabled forty year old virgin. Ending this particular relationship wont resolve your insecurities.