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To be annoyed with my sister's view of my life.

(62 Posts)
Jellybellyqueen Mon 13-Nov-17 22:29:40

Dsis is a couple of years younger, went into work from education, whereas I stayed on to get a degree and post grad (and three student loans). This meant I had a better paid career initially, but obv had loans to pay off.

We both gave up work after kids, she has walked into her present job through conversation with a contact, I am unable to find one atm. Despite starting off with school hours shifts, our parents now regularly pick up her kids from school and give them dinner before dropping them home. If I had a job that required the same help they'd be exhausted.

My dh often works away, due to his job we've moved a few times, have always had a house much smaller than dsis, with much bigger mortgage and considerably less equity. Most of our savings went in the last move.

She has at least six plus weekends or hobby breaks a year (by herself), with an extended family holiday and usually another week somewhere else. We go on the extended family hol with them, with a few day trips at weekends with our kids.

Her sil is v well off and will be leaving everything to dsis dc, as will her mil (I don't know why I needed to know this). My kids have the tiny trust fund account we set up for them as babies. Sil regularly gives dsis and kids nice shoes/clothes, masses of presents at xmas etc. I pass down clothes/coats etc to dsis, obv nothing comes my way from anyone.

Im sure theres more, but this is quite long. My issue is that despite us getting on well, dsis (and our parents) seem to have the set view that we are so much better off financially than her, which is just not the case. Her dc do 4 after school activities between them, mine do one each, she complains about the cost, but can't be that hard up if they can afford it.
I know someone will say I'm just jealous - I've always been happy for her good fortune, but it's increasingly grating on me that everyone thinks she's badly done by and has to work so hard, despite the fact that I and dh have worked just as hard (if not harder) and in reality are in the same position. Our children will be substantially worse off than hers in the long run, but she doesn't appear to appreciate this either, still thinks we are much better off and speaks/acts accordingly. I'm not expressing it very well, but it's like reverse snobbery, if thats a thing.

AIBU to be increasingly peeved to be seen as the one who doesn't need any help, while she gets a bunch of sympathy and handouts? What can I do to feel less peeved about it (apart from pull up my big girl pants and ignore)?

[I'm aware neither of us are on the bones of our arse, so are luckier than some. The issue is more the inequality of treatment rather than the value of material goods/finances involved.]

Poshindevon Tue 14-Nov-17 10:41:26

You do sound jealous and you seem to have wasted your education.
If you feel so peeved and misunderstood speak up and say how hou feel

MaidenMotherCrone Tue 14-Nov-17 10:56:17

Dear me, get a grip. All that's missing from your Op are the words 'It's not fair'.

Life's not fair!

You are growing a chip on your shoulder.

Pull those pants up and welcome each day with gratitude for what you do have.

DullAndOld Tue 14-Nov-17 10:59:36

honestly you do sound really jealous of your sister.
If you want to pull someone up on a specific comment, then do so.

MissBax Tue 14-Nov-17 10:59:42

Sorry but it does sound like you're quite bitter about your sisters life. My advice? Just focus on your own journey and ignore any silly comments from family.

livefornaps Tue 14-Nov-17 11:03:37

Just kibosh it. The next time she makes a comment like that, just say "stop that". It will cut her off.

Then try and kill it with kindness. Just try and be as nice to her as possible. She is your sister, one day she will be the only family you have. If she sees that you are not bitter, you are as kind as possible BUT if she says anything suggesting you have it easy you will just say "stop" and nothing more she will probably stop with the attitude.

As for the actual differences in your lives which you think make her life easier than yours - well, it was never going to be possible for both of your fortunes to work out the same. One of you had to be the one "better off".

Isn't education meant to be worth more than just financial recompense in the future, though? It seems silly to begrudge her that.

And as a last resort, if you really can't get over these feelings, ask yourself - would you actually want to BE your sister? Probs not.

Be assertive, be kind, and stop obsessing

Msqueen33 Tue 14-Nov-17 11:03:49

I can understand why you’re upset. I suspect people assume as you’re not working you’re probably well off and doing it through choice.

Aderyn17 Tue 14-Nov-17 11:07:59

I think that if you asked your parents for childcare help, they should give you what they give your sister, even if that means reducing what they do for her, in order to give you the same. If you haven't asked, you can't complain.

I do think that people always see things from their own perspective - maybe she has financial pressures that you don't know about.

It is true though, that you chose to always move for your dh's job, which is always going to be expensive and you chose to sah. I did too and I'm not criticising it, but it does come with cost.

It's hard not to be jealous, but I think you should focus on changing what is wrong with your own life and think less about hers.
That said, if she is complaining sbout nothing, she is your sis and you are allowed to tell her to stfu and stop whinging wink

NeverTwerkNaked Tue 14-Nov-17 11:11:02

Sounds like she is working hard to pay for their activities and big house etc though. You chose to give up work, after all that training. It’s a bit unfair to resent her for the consequences of your decision.

As for potential future inheritance for their children, no one should count on an inheritance as a certainty. Anything could happen.

BridgetvonHammersmark Tue 14-Nov-17 11:14:58

I understand OP that a situation like yours can be incredibly frustrating. I’ve been in a similar situation, at one point I was a single working Mum with 3 children and was never offered an ounce of help, yet my dsis, who’s a stay at home Mum, gets everything she could possibly want, financially and supportively... but you can’t let it get to you, otherwise it will eat you up and make you incredibly bitter. Enjoy what you do have, so many people would give their right arm to have half the life you live. Life’s to short, just concentrate on you and yours.

LadyinCement Tue 14-Nov-17 11:18:24

I understand, OP.

Parents very often ascribe roles to their dcs and they are set for ever. So no matter how wealthy and successful one child may become, it's always "Poor Jane" whereas their sibling gets the comment, "Oh, you're all right," even if you're living in the gutter with one leg hanging off.

I also understand the "great expectations" thing. Everyone else seems to have aged spinster aunt/very successful single uncle. My sole inheritance was (after care home fees, funeral and other costs) - drum roll - £30. That's thirty pounds, not £30K! I have no parents and dh's have lost everything in long-term care home fees.

MrsOverTheRoad Tue 14-Nov-17 11:21:07

God Op....let it go.

You're ruining what you DO have with your jealousy.

I could do as you do and compare my luck to my sister's ....one married a man who owned a house in London which they sold for a massive profit and bought a mansion in wales...the other has never had to work at all thanks to her wealthy husband.

I rent! I don't feel eaten up like you do...move on.

coddiwomple Tue 14-Nov-17 11:29:01

Your OP makes sense, I can completely see where you are coming from.

Don't make yourself a martyr with your parents. It's fine to ask them for the same help, it's ok to say if you are struggling. Maybe they will have to cut down on the help they give your sister to help you at the same level. If you don't ask, they might not realise that you could do with help.

About the financial side from her in-laws, let it go. There's nothing you can do, things change, so ignore it, that's just wasting your energy in jealousy.

Honestly, if you feel bitter about passing down your own things to your sister, then don't. Sell them. You don't have to be the "good guy" and resent every second of it. It's not healthy.

RemainOptimistic Tue 14-Nov-17 11:30:47

Squeaky wheel gets the oil.

I hate this but it's true.

Also agree Lady once roles are set, to be brutally honest no one can usually be bothered to change them.

My brother gets cash handouts all year round while I get given random second hand tat. Eventually I came to the realisation that even a million quid wasn't enough for me to turn my back on my only sibling. It's only money, who gives a shit. What helped me was seeing the money as part of a wider pattern of manipulation in the family. My mum will never be able to admit how unevenly she's treated us. If she admitted that, then she would have to admit she was wrong, and being wrong is worse than death..

Justbookedasummmerholiday Tue 14-Nov-17 11:32:12

Your family is self sufficient. Dsis is being provided for in every way, childcare +money. Would rather be your family tbh.

CakesRUs Tue 14-Nov-17 11:32:29

Hmmm I kind of get you. A family member of mine spends money on all kinds of crap and is frequently broke to my DM, we don’t fritter it and save and we’re the wealthy ones according to DM. No difference wage wise.

SecretSmellies Tue 14-Nov-17 11:34:13

Honestly she could be really envious of you - she works and needs to rely on family for childcare, and you are a SAH.

Your language does scream jealousy. She 'walked into'a job because of who she knows etc.

It's classic 'grass is greener' stuff.

I have a friend who seemed to have everything. And she wasn't afraid to advertise her holidays, her family help, he new cars etc et etc allover facebook. I finally realised I needed to unpick what was making me jealous .... mainly the free time she seemed to have with her kids and the holidays. SoI started making the changes I needed to make....my envy was pointing out what was missing in my own life if that makes sense.

I would make a list of everything about your life that you love. Then make a list of the things you may want to change. The start thinking about how they can change. Use your dissatisfaction as a guide to help you identify what it is that's missing.

Wishfulmakeupping Tue 14-Nov-17 11:35:31

I get it op I've gone down the same road me and Dh get by ok but are not rich my dsis has barely worked since she was 18 but her now Dh is very wealthy so they go on fantastic holidays, she has the best of everything and childcare on tap but the road I took has given me 2 beautiful children and lovely husband- money really isn't everything and everything we do have we worked hard for so I take pride in that.

GwenStaceyRocks Tue 14-Nov-17 11:36:33

Even in close families, you wouldn't necessarily know if she was struggling. Obviously your family will think that you are a sah through choice and hence don't need to work whereas your DSIS does. I think it's easy to see where the perceptions come from especially since you say your DSIS went straight to work from school. In families where this happens, I think there's little sympathy for waiting for the 'correct' job to come along and more an attitude that 'of course if you wanted to work then you would'.
You're wasting energy being annoyed about any of this. Your DSIS would act differently in your situation. You'd act differently in your DSIS' situation. Get on with living your own life rather than resenting her's.
even walking into a job through a contact demands ability and networking

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Tue 14-Nov-17 11:40:56

As much as I totally agree with Lady's post about set roles within the family, you seem to have accepted yours as the downtrodden, can't catch a break, saddled with bad luck sister. You need to change your perspective of yourself.

You have a post-grad - amazing.
You have moved around the country a lot - well, yes obviously doing that over the past 10 years will mean you perhaps haven't ridden out the housing price issue in the same way as someone who has stayed put, but you've got to move around and have all these great experiences.
Your parents are exhausted - well good for you for not putting further pressure on them.

Although one thing that really grinds my gears as someone whose job is all about contacts and making the most of opportunities - she didn't 'walk into a job'. Someone thought an opportunity would work for her, no doubt after a significant amount of energy, networking, etc and she has no doubt worked hard to convince them of the rightness of their decision.

People 'walk into' interviews, not jobs.

KarriPotter Tue 14-Nov-17 11:43:30

I never really got why people spend a fortune on higher education to just become a sahm.
I know there will be genuine cases of ‘I didn’t see it coming’ but generally speaking, women know if they want kids from fairly early ages.

KarriPotter Tue 14-Nov-17 11:44:52

*and if being a working parent is something they want, obviously.
I’m a working mother, before you all start on me.

coddiwomple Tue 14-Nov-17 11:46:13

People 'walk into' interviews, not jobs.

I wish that was true!

AnnabellaH Tue 14-Nov-17 11:46:27

What did you do with your education OP? Why are you not using it?

RhiWrites Tue 14-Nov-17 11:50:51

So what are people actually saying? If it’s “poor sis, she’s not as well off as you” you could challenge that.

Or you could tell your mum and sis that you’re worried about not for being a job and can they keep an eye out. If that’s true. I’m not clear from your post if you are looking or not.

But I don’t see why you think childcare from your parents should be evenly provided since you don’t work and your sister does.

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